tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20821597571071067312024-03-12T20:38:43.050-05:00Journey of a Soul SearcherMadison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.comBlogger229125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-65603687038554551272018-01-10T21:38:00.000-06:002018-03-15T14:29:36.239-05:00This is why I got engaged. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Note: Not the actual proposal, just a playful reenactment.</span></i></div>
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After the ball dropped on New Year's Eve, my wonderful partner of a year and a half dropped to one knee and asked me to marry him. </div>
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After years of believing I would die alone and no one would ever be as fond of me as I was of them, life handed me a big surprise and an even bigger "I told you so." If only I could go back in time and tell the girl who could never get a date that she would be engaged by the time she was 25 and to enjoy being single and loving herself as long as she could before it happened. If only. </div>
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I wasn't initially going to share this news here, as it is pretty personal and perhaps a step away from the stories and experiences I usually publish, but the other night, I found myself thinking about all the people who have disappointed me and/or so easily left me behind over the past couple of years. And how those people and the pain they caused somehow cease to matter as much when I look at the person who has stood by my side through absolute thick and thin since the moment we said hello. </div>
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In spite of all the ways I've been hurt and left and all the times I expected him to leave too, he never did. And this ring on my finger is his way of telling me he never will..at least not without a hell of a fight. </div>
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I've never had to question our relationship or his feelings for me. He's never given me a reason to feel doubtful or unsafe, even though feeling doubtful and unsafe is in my nature. No matter how many times I pushed him away based on my deeply ingrained belief that all people suck and will let me down sooner or later, he bounced back and cleared away the dark clouds inside my head.<br />
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And through these ups and downs, he taught me something invaluable:<br />
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<b>People WILL stay. </b><br />
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And the only people worth spending a single ounce of energy on are the ones who stay, the ones who stick, the ones who fight.<br />
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So here's to ALL of those people, not just him. Here's to the family members/friends/partners who stay. Here's to the ones who prove people like me wrong.<br />
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This is why I got engaged. This is why I'm staying too. </div>
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<3 Madison </div>
Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-22317297659951098002017-12-05T18:48:00.000-06:002017-12-05T18:48:48.818-06:00Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 16)~ So I haven't been here in three months because I don't know how to be the writer I used to be anymore. I'm not sure where she went. Maybe she grew, changed, questioned, got lost, got influenced by things outside of herself. Maybe my only concerns these days are keeping the lights and water on, my clothes washed, and my significant other happy when I don't even know how to keep <i>myself </i>happy. Maybe it's challenging enough putting one foot in front of the other and facing the reality of potentially starting over with my quest for purpose and individuality. Maybe my needs and priorities have changed. Maybe my whole life has changed (it has) and I don't know how to begin writing about all these new things I'm going through without exploiting myself and the people I care about. Maybe I'm on creative strike because Christina Perri, my hero and inspiration, has quit music to be a mother. Maybe I'm on creative strike because I let my most recent bout of depression knock me on my ass instead of make me stronger and more determined. All I can say is I'm sorry, and please don't hate me. I hate myself enough for all of you.<br />
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~ Relationships are hard. All of them. It takes work to keep people in your life and to know who to let go of and when to let go of them, whether temporarily or permanently. Sometimes you think you don't want someone in your life anymore when that's the last thing you want, and sometimes you think you need to keep someone in your life forever when they're actually the last thing you need. You have to know where your thoughts and behaviors are coming from. You have to recognize the difference between hating other people's flaws and hating your own. You have to get up every morning and try, even after you've failed. Because forgiving yourself is infinitely more important than forgiving other people.<br />
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~ Googling your problems will not make them go away. In fact, it will make them much worse. Step away from the computer, phone or tablet and towards your own personal improvement goals. The Internet cannot explain why you make poor decisions.<br />
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~ True love is rare. Hold on to it, even when you feel like it's too much or you don't deserve it or you're not giving enough of your best self or you're simply not ready. Love that stays by your side through the absolute worst and ugliest of times may truly never come again (no matter what they say about plenty of fish being in the sea), so don't die wishing you had treated the person who loved you fearlessly and unconditionally with a little more care and commitment.<br />
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~ Be nice to your dogs and cats. Pay attention to them. Spend time with them. Do everything you can to help them live long and happy lives, for these are the best living creatures you will ever know. <br />
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~ There is never enough room for hate, revenge and discrimination, but there is always plenty of room for love, forgiveness and understanding. Strive to live and breathe this truth, and you will eliminate a great deal of your emotional baggage. And sometimes the love, forgiveness and understanding need only be aimed towards yourself.<br />
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~ Celebrate the baby steps in life. If you sat on the couch in a puddle of despair and self-pity for 4 hours and only got up long enough to fold your laundry, celebrate the fact that you folded your laundry. If you got out of bed after believing you couldn't, celebrate the fact that you got out of bed. If you said sorry and tried a little harder to be better after hurting someone, celebrate the fact that you said sorry and tried a little harder to be better. And if you failed to write a new blog post for three months and finally wrote a little something, celebrate the fact that you finally wrote a little something.<br />
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<3 Madison Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-86792425484996019152017-08-21T12:48:00.001-05:002017-08-21T12:48:41.969-05:00Wise reminder from a wise soulI had a conversation with an older and wiser man the other day, moments after I walked out on a job I couldn't see myself keeping or enjoying. (It was a second job...I'm not unemployed again, don't worry.) And although I can't recall what he said to me verbatim, it was something along the lines of this:<br />
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"If you don't wanna do something, don't do it. Don't worry about what these people think or what anyone thinks. You wanna know why? 'Cause you're the one who's gotta live with it."<br />
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I love that. I especially love it because I used to live by that notion, but have since fallen a bit short.<br />
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The truth is, I care pretty deeply what other people think about me and have an acute fear of being judged. I usually make decisions based on what I believe will please others, and if I make unconventional decisions to please myself, I often feel unnecessarily ashamed and embarrassed.<br />
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I left this second job feeling a bit deflated because everyone told me I should work both, even though that was never my desire or intention. They said it wouldn't hurt to save up some extra money and keep myself busier. (I will forever be baffled by society's obsession with busyness.) Of course, these people had good intentions, which is often the case. But I didn't take the job for any of those reasons. I took it to try something different and see if I might possibly enjoy it enough to make a switch from my first job. I quickly concluded that my first job was the superior choice, so not wanting to waste my time or anyone else's, I left. And people probably disapproved in some capacity.<br />
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But that last conversation I had before climbing in my car and driving away was exactly what I needed to hear to quiet the voice of disapproval in my own head.<br />
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<b>If you don't wanna do something, don't do it. </b><br />
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I <i>love </i>my work schedule. I love the money I make, the hours I work, and the time I have off to spend with my writing, my loved ones, and myself. I may not have the fattest of paychecks, but I have everything I need and more. I'm not struggling. I make good financial decisions - probably way better decisions than most people in my age group. At this point in my life, I am lucky enough to be completely taken care of. I do not regret my decision to leave the second job because it was in fact what I wanted.<br />
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It's okay to do what you want and not do what you don't want, as long as you go about it the right way. Your life is yours and yours alone, and no one has to live with the choices you make except you. If you disappoint people along the way, so what? They will get over it.<br />
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Just a friendly reminder for today and every day.<br />
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<3 Madison Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-33461028709334589902017-08-17T14:27:00.000-05:002017-08-17T14:27:52.713-05:00Sorry for being the writer who disappeared. I read <a href="http://www.well-storied.com/blog/writing-when-depressed" target="_blank">this wonderful and beautifully detailed article</a> the other day, and it gave me a thought: a lot of really talented and promising writers/bloggers mysteriously disappear or fade into the background, don't they?<br />
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Yes, you could say I am one of them.<br />
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When I first dove into writing, I was all over the place. I was featured on many of my favorite websites, and my posts garnered a good bit of attention. I published my own eBook, and my work has appeared in print four times. I freelanced for a variety of clients and websites. I was full of passion and ideas. I felt like I had found my place in the world and nothing could stop me.<br />
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But somewhere down the line, I started to fade away. My life changed, and my attitude changed with it. Writing got hard, and making money off of it was even harder. I got discouraged and weak. I had my heart broken, and sometimes I wonder if that experience was my final muse.<br />
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I have a hard time pinpointing exactly what went wrong, but all signs seem to point to my ongoing struggles with anxiety and depression. Although these struggles do not define me, they are very much a part of my day-to-day existence. It's hard to write when I'm engulfed by my insecurities, apathy, self-hatred, and a looming sense of monotony. It's hard to utilize my time when I waste so much of it simply trying to put one foot in front of the other and have a normal day.<br />
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So I disappear a lot. Along with the hoards of other talented artists who have so much to express and so few mental and emotional tools to do so. It's a paradox.<br />
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And guess what? Nearly every single writer/blogger I've followed, looked up to, and/or been inspired by over the last 6 years has disappeared in some capacity. Some of them have given up. Some of them have chosen a different path. Some of them have lost their way. <b>And some of them are being held captive by the beast that is mental illness.</b><br />
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I'm sorry for being the writer who disappeared. I'm sorry if you have clicked over to my blog to find nothing new when you hoped to find otherwise. I'm sorry if I have disappointed or confused you with my frequent dry spells. I'm sorry if I have not lived up to the version of myself you see when you read my writing. I'm sorry if I have failed to provide you with the doses of inspiration you have come to depend on.<br />
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I write this in hopes that you will understand.<br />
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Sometimes I have a really hard time unlocking the best version of myself. Sometimes it takes almost every bit of energy I have to simply make the bed, wash the dishes, run errands, feed myself, clean myself, enjoy myself (never mind write). Sometimes I think I'm the worst and everything I do sucks. Sometimes I can't show up.<br />
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Please read the article I shared above, for the writer of it explains this better than I ever could.<br />
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<3 Madison<br />
<br />Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-54740392598381508652017-08-09T15:28:00.000-05:002017-08-09T15:28:13.414-05:00On true love, detachment, and being a good humanMonday was one of the most stressful, emotional, challenging and bittersweet days I've been through so far this year (for reasons I'd prefer to keep relatively private). In a nutshell, I was put into a highly stressful and comprising situation by people I trusted and had to act fast to do the right thing, even though it wasn't the easiest thing.<br />
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Details aside, perhaps we can all relate to being in a situation like this. We've all been betrayed. We've all had to act quickly instead of thinking slowly. We've all had to put our selfish needs and desires aside for the sake of doing the absolute best thing for the absolute best creature, whether animal or human. (In my case, it was an animal.) We've all been in situations that have put life, love and humanity into perspective. We've all had the wind knocked out of us in the best and worst ways.<br />
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So ever since the incident in question, I have been consciously working hard to be an overall better human being and put some important lessons into practice. I want to share my thoughts here, in hopes that they will help you do the same.<br />
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On true love:<br />
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True love is selfless and works tirelessly to make the object of your affection or admiration feel as happy and secure as they possibly can. My boyfriend, my mother, and a new and wonderful friend of mine were my rock when I was going through what I went through this week. They all taught me about love. They all jumped to my rescue and soothed my fears. They all made me realize that I was doing the right thing for the object of MY affection at that moment in time. And they all made me want to love bigger and better than I've been doing lately.<br />
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If you love something, you must be selfless and steadfast. You must work hard and be better. You must treasure who and what you love with every fiber your being is capable of giving. And when you can do those things without question, THAT is true love.<br />
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On detachment:<br />
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Attachment is my middle name. My whole life, I have become attached to people, animals, material belongings, ideas, ways of life, and ways of thinking. I don't like change, and I really don't like losing things that once brought me comfort and familiarity. But you know what? That's life. Change is literally constant. It's a train that never stops going. And where there is change, there is some degree of loss if you're as delicate and fragile as I am.<br />
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I had to detach myself this week in the name of being selfless and exercising true love. I would've done it anyway, but the only thing even remotely upsetting me about it was that I had to detach. Because detachment is hard. It makes me sad, and sometimes I stay sad for a really long time. But sadness, like everything else, is temporary too.<br />
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So let go, detach if you must, and take comfort in the fact that the chips of life and love will always fall exactly where they belong...even if it takes them awhile to get there. <br />
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On being a good human:<br />
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I witnessed good humans turn into bad humans this week, and it would be an understatement to say that was a hard and unfortunate thing to watch. Perhaps I've been in denial or ignorance of their true character all along, but I digress.<br />
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I really do wanna see the best in people in a world filled with assholes. I feel everything so deeply, and I just don't want to be all the more burdened by the thought of how many people are just plain terrible. But I work in the food business (HA!) and I live in the real world, so I can't always shield myself from rude, careless, selfish and cruel human beings. But what I can do is be a better person myself. I can do the right thing, choose love over hate, and be kind and understanding to the best of my ability.<br />
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You can't change other people, but you can change yourself.<br />
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You can be better. <br />
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<3 Madison <br />
Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-40933792954308805162017-07-10T20:07:00.001-05:002017-07-10T20:07:31.010-05:00Impermanence Nothing is permanent.<br />
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This has been a recurring theme in my life this year, and it's nice to finally put it out in front of me after months of struggling to do so.<br />
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I don't like change, but I've experienced it in such abundance this year that I've become nearly paralyzed with apathy and inaction in response...As if refusing to actively participate in or accept said changes will somehow save me from further loss and disappointment.<br />
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I moved out of a home I lived in for 24 years. I've had and loved pets since I was 7 years old, and I now live in an apartment that won't allow them. My younger brother, whom I have been inseparable with since he was born, is moving 845 miles away. My job is changing. My body is changing. My bills are getting higher. There are people I used to be attached to like glue that I either barely talk to now or don't talk to at all anymore.<br />
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And to state the obvious, this is the first blog post I've written in two months. What's worse is that I'm not even sure if I want to be a professional writer anymore. I've said this out loud, and the words feel strange coming out of my mouth every time.<br />
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I'm not trying to say that change is bad or that impermanence is devastating. It can be of course, but it's also completely inevitable. It's been said and preached millions of times before, but I've floated through my life for years with the belief that if I stayed still and lived simply, I wouldn't be swept away by the waves of change. But now impermanence is the story of my life. And I've realized that if I continue to stay still and live simply, life and people will go on without me. I have no control over any of it.<br />
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I'm at a point in my life where I just really need to ask myself the hard questions and wonder if my reaction to the aforementioned changes has led to growth or failure. Or if this latest breakdown is merely a sign of a forthcoming breakthrough.<br />
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As always, I will write about it all.<br />
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<3 MadisonMadison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-77320461892317746872017-05-03T20:45:00.000-05:002017-05-03T20:45:12.851-05:00This is what I wrote today."You're gonna write today," my boyfriend sternly told me over the phone. "And you're gonna show me what you wrote when I get home or I will dirty up every single dish in the apartment."<br />
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A rather motivating threat right there.<br />
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I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Every time I sit down to write, nothing happens. I usually just end up browsing blogs for inspiration before ultimately calling it a day. And hating myself.<br />
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I've been hating myself for the last three hours, if not the last three weeks. The whole reason I <a href="http://journeyofasoulsearcher.blogspot.com/2017/04/life-lately.html" target="_blank">wanted to quit my job</a> was so I could write more - so I could pursue my "passion." But every time I have the opportunity, I don't do it. This is an indescribably frustrating thing for me, and that's precisely <i>why</i> I don't do it. Because I know I'm gonna sit down and try harder than I've ever needed to and that whatever I do write is gonna flop and I'm gonna spend the rest of the day wishing I was dead because I'm not really living anyway, right?<br />
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Yet here I am, writing something like I promised. I considered finishing a piece I started the other day, but decided it was way too personal to be published. I considered getting back to work on the novel I haven't touched in 6 months or that other book I haven't touched in 5. But no matter what, I always end up here. Right where I started when I was 19 and full of promise and certainty that this was my path in life. I feel safe here. I can be honest here. <br />
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I don't know what to tell you guys, and I especially don't know what to tell myself. Maybe my life is in a relatively good place right now and it's hard to find inspiration when I'm happy/comfortable. Maybe I'm distracted by bigger things like where I'll be working by the end of the year and my impending trip to see my brother, whom I haven't seen in three very long months. Maybe I need to try harder and dig deeper to find the stories that still need to be told. Maybe the only remotely noteworthy things that have been happening in my life lately are just too personal for anyone else's eyes, therefore I can't write about them.<br />
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Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. That's all I ever have to say for myself.<br />
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But at least I wrote something today.<br />
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<3 Madison<br />
<br />Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-79023852461392337792017-04-18T12:14:00.000-05:002017-04-18T12:59:11.749-05:00Life lately Hello friends.<br />
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These last few weeks have been eventful, confusing, and a bit ironic. They have made me second guess the beliefs I've always held about the way life unfolds. Maybe life is simply made up of choices and coincidences, and some of them only <i>seem </i>serendipitous. Maybe there's no such thing as knowing something will turn out okay before it's turned out any type of way at all. <br />
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I say all of this because a few weeks ago, I put in my resignation notice at a job that wasn't making me happy anymore. This was a huge decision and a huge risk for me. I had to talk myself into it after weeks of becoming progressively angrier, stressed, and so depleted I would lie in bed and stare at the wall or the ceiling for over an hour before getting up every morning. My life felt like a lie. I felt like I was running on a hamster wheel without actually getting anywhere, my only reward being the money I was making. I felt like a cog in the machine of society, working full-time at a job I never intended to work full-time. <br />
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It sounds dramatic, and maybe it is. But I've been different from everybody else and a rebel to society my whole life. I was letting life happen to me instead of making life happen. And due to the familiarity with my job and my ability to comfortably pay the bills, I had no real motivation to leave.<br />
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So I quit. With no plan B and only a faint idea of what I was doing, I worked out a two weeks notice and came home from work on my last day with the obvious assumption that I wouldn't go back. But I kept my work clothes and accessories within reach, <i>just in case</i>. Because as hard as I tried to fight it, I had my doubts and my fears. These were worsened by people telling me I made a mistake. By spending almost $4000 on my first vehicle three days after leaving my job. By my mom telling me and <i>urging </i>me to go back to work, to make money, to do the right thing, to build a good life, to not struggle like she did. And then Friday morning, I received a call from my district manager asking me to come back. They needed me. They missed me. They wanted to know what they could do to help me have a better, less stressful experience working for them. And as I stood there in my underwear with no job and more than half the money I'd saved up no longer in my account, how could I say no? <br />
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So here I am, trying to enjoy my last few days off and accomplish what I can before returning to the very place that made me realize I wanted more out of life. I sound bitter and whiny about it, but I'm not. I didn't write this post so I could whine and complain. I do need the money. I don't have to start over or train or be given hours I don't want. My managers are letting me come back, no questions asked, and pick up right where I left off. And they are willing to meet me halfway by letting me work 3 days instead of 5 until I find another job. That gives me 4 free days to write, job hunt, and do what I want to do. So it's a good deal, and I'm thankful for it. I just wish it didn't feel like such a step back after all the thought, planning and faith I put into leaving in the first place. <br />
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But who knows? Maybe it's not a step back, but simply an indicator that my shoes aren't ready for the next step forward. Maybe my old job isn't done with me yet. Maybe I needed to step away for a couple of weeks and discover who I am when I'm not a waitress. Maybe going back to work part-time will be an extremely positive thing and just what I need. Maybe the universe is simply trying to tell me that 5 days was too much, but 3 days is just right.<br />
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I don't know. But I will say that my old job has given me a lot, including my future husband. And I refuse to even consider that <i>he </i>was just a coincidence. So maybe I have more to gain. And a whole lot more to learn.<br />
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Time will tell.<br />
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<3 Madison Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-90343368830632226912017-03-27T10:00:00.001-05:002017-03-27T10:00:41.402-05:0025 quotes about taking risks and thinking for yourself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm on the brink of taking a big risk in my life, and I'm really scared of what people are going to think of me when I take it.<br />
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That's all I can say right now. But until I can say more, here are 25 quotes about taking risks and thinking for yourself. Because I need them. And maybe you do too.<br />
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1. "If you don't try, you'll never know." ~ Coldplay<br />
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2. "If you risk nothing, then you risk everything." ~ Geena Davis<br />
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3. "It's not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It's because we dare not venture that they are difficult." ~ Seneca<br />
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4. "Risk comes from not knowing what you're doing." ~ Warren Buffett<br />
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5. "The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision." ~ Maimonides<br />
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6. "The 3 C's of life: choices, chances and changes. You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change." ~ Unknown<br />
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7. "Ten years from now, make sure you can say you chose your life, you didn't settle for it." ~ Mandy Hale<br />
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8. "Always follow your gut instinct, even if you do it a little late. It's better to renege and risk being judged than it is to do something you don't want to do because you're afraid of how it will look." ~ Lori Deschene <br />
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9. "A wise man makes his own decisions; an ignorant man follows public opinion." ~ Chinese Proverb<br />
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10. "Let go of the need to control the outcome. Trust the process. Trust your intuition. Trust yourself." ~ Unknown<br />
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11. "Stop worrying about what you have to lose and start focusing on what you have to gain." ~ Unknown<br />
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12. "Fear, uncertainty and discomfort are your compasses toward growth." ~ Celestine Chua<br />
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13. "If it's still in your mind, it's worth taking the risk." ~ Paulo Coelho<br />
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14. "Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised." ~ Denis Waitley<br />
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15. "Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers." ~ Unknown<br />
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16. "Excellence can be obtained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, and expect more than others think is possible." ~ Unknown<br />
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17. "Life is too short to waste time waiting for other people's approval on how you live it." ~ Steve Maraboli<br />
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18."Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner." ~ Lao Tzu <br />
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19. "You can't always please everybody, but you can do what makes you happy and just hope that those around you will be happy for you." ~ Robert Tew<br />
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20. "If you really want to live your life to the fullest and realize your greatest potential, you must be willing to run the risk of making some people mad. People may not like what you do, people may not like how you do it, but these people are not living your life. You are!" ~ Iyanla Vanzant<br />
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21. "What you think of yourself is much more important than what other people think of you." ~ Seneca<br />
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22."Lean too much on other people's approval and it becomes a bed of thorns." ~ Tehyi Hsieh<br />
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23. "Nobody's going to save somebody who won't change. It's time to be brave." ~ Christina Perri<br />
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24. "What other people think of you is none of your business." ~ Unknown<br />
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25. "Take risks: If you win, you will be happy. If you lose, you will be wise." ~ Unknown<br />
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Good luck taking your own risks, my friends. I'm rooting for you.<br />
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<3 MadisonMadison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-23456663610686384472017-03-22T10:26:00.000-05:002017-03-22T10:26:54.510-05:00Anger management, stress management, life management In case the title doesn't give it away, I've had a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate lately. I'm pretty sure I'm having a quarter-life crisis, which seems fitting, considering my 25th birthday is actually tomorrow. (And I started this blog when I was 19!)<br />
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My Thought Catalog editor Kendra Syrdal recently wrote something about anger that really resonated with me. It was powerful and timely because I've been struggling to keep my own anger under control lately. I've become slightly more volatile in my day-to-day life, and I believe it is largely because I am neglecting parts of myself that need attention. It's easier to just lash out at the closest thing causing me the slightest bit of stress, whether it be a cheap ice cream scooper or a lazy coworker, than it is to slow down and ask myself where my anger is really coming from. Usually, it ends up having nothing to do with whatever it's being directed towards.<br />
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Rambling aside, I wanted to share a little bit of Kendra's post for anyone who may be having the same problem. <br />
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<i>"</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Anger is an easy emotion. Anger is a lot like love, hunger or fear. It's impulsive, it happens fast, it's easily accessible, it's one of those feelings that is palpable and tangible and we feel like we can and should reach out and grab it with both hands. Anger though, isn't the most rational of our feelings. Anger often steamrolls things like rational, empathy or tact. Which are necessary! Anger - is not.</span></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">I was a very angry person for a long, long time. Like stupidly angry. And I was always even angrier when I felt like I wasn't being heard. But one day I realized, people don't like to listen when you're yelling. So I took a step back. I calmed down. I learned to manage my anger. And then, when my heart rate dropped and my blood pressure leveled out, if I still wanted to say something, I would approach it levelly. With reason. With facts. With a discussion in mind.</span></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">And you know what happened?</span></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">I started being able to change people's minds. I started seeing humanity. I found common ground. Or, at the very least, I had discussions instead of fights. And discussions go places and end up with thoughts and notions and things that resonate. Fights just end with bruises and hurt feelings and two people who resent each other in the long run." </span></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I love that. It's so universal and so true. I've always been ashamed of my anger and viewed it as a highly negative emotion. But like any other emotion, it is valid. It's nothing to be ashamed of as long as you react to it in a healthy, constructive way. And even still, we all slip up from time to time. You have to forgive yourself. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit;">I'm at what I believe to be a critical point in my life right now, which is why I've been experiencing this </span><span style="color: #1d2129;">onslaught</span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit;"> of heavy emotions like anger, stress, anxiety and sadness. I want to do the right things, and sometimes we have no way of knowing what's right or wrong until we take the risks and see for ourselves. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I want to wake up every morning with a sense of purpose and passion. I want to believe that at any time, I can make the choice to do what feels right to me - to do what I want without feeling as though I've </span>committed<span style="font-family: inherit;"> a crime. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">But I, like most people, am responsible for a lot of things now. I have more to worry about than just myself. And maybe that's why I'm so angry. Maybe that's why I'm so stressed. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;">I don't have a suitable conclusion for this hodge podge of words and thoughts. All I know is that something needs to change. And maybe that something is me. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129;"> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><3 Madison </span></span></span>Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-11846507971722932662017-02-17T10:15:00.000-06:002017-02-17T10:20:45.299-06:00New and improvedHey guys.<br />
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As mentioned in an earlier post, <a href="http://journeyofasoulsearcher.blogspot.com/2017/01/fyi.html" target="_blank">my Facebook was hacked a few weeks ago</a> and I had no choice but to lose access to the official writer page I had associated with it (and worked so hard on). This was and still is very frustrating for me, BUT I finally got a new one up and running. I wish I could remember the names of every single reader who liked my old page so I could send them an invite to like this one, but unfortunately and understandably, I don't. So I must start from scratch, post a notice here, and hope you decide to pay me a visit and follow along.<br />
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Here's the link: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/madisonsonnierwriter">https://www.facebook.com/madisonsonnierwriter</a><br />
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Thank you for your patience. Let's try this again.<br />
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<3 Madison Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-11930810537458030802017-02-02T14:30:00.000-06:002017-02-02T14:30:17.543-06:00Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 15)~ There is a difference between wanting to be THE best and wanting to be YOUR best. The first is arrogance. The second is self-assurance. You may be awesome, but you're not better than anybody else.<br />
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~ I am going to try to get myself back into the habit of writing every week and keeping my creative juices flowing, starting this month. Because I know that help and support is out there if I'm willing to utilize it. <br />
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~ It's unnerving how easy it is to let work and adulthood take over your entire life. I breathe, eat, sleep, work and adult. I feel like that's all I ever do and that if I start trying too hard to do anything else, I'll fall hopelessly behind on life itself. Anyone else? <br />
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~ At the end of the day, only you can determine the weight of a person's words. Words can hurt, but they don't have to break or change you because <i>they're just words. </i>People can talk shit to and about you until they're blue in the face, but<i> </i>your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters. <br />
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~ I miss a lot of the old parts of myself, but I'm also really excited about the new parts. I have yet to figure out if the changes that lie ahead are good, bad, or a little of both.<br />
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~ It's okay to have no idea what you're doing, no matter how old you get.<br />
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~ Allow the chaos of life to inspire rather than distract you. <br />
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~ And allow your determination to be greater than your fear.<br />
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<3 Madison Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-25822990370098599382017-01-26T22:06:00.000-06:002017-01-26T22:06:31.420-06:00FyiHello friends and readers. I've got some weird news.<div>
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I've been digitally violated. Imposed upon. Exposed to a paranoia I can't say I've ever known, given my vast Internet presence and blissful ignorance towards hacking, fraud, and other Internet disasters. <div>
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Due to privacy concerns, I changed my Facebook password yesterday morning. A few hours later, I was unable to log in. So I went through some verification steps and changed my password again. The same thing happened later that evening. I changed it again. Earlier today, I was once again unable to log in after sitting down to blog and then subsequently post that blog on (you guessed it) Facebook. That time, I wanted to try recovering my account via email to see if it would make any damn difference, and lo and behold, my email had been hacked into as well.</div>
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"You changed your password 4 hours ago," the red lettering insisted.</div>
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I didn't. I didn't change my password. </div>
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Somebody somewhere has access to things that belong to me, and I don't know who it is or how to stop them. So after getting back into my Facebook account once again via my prior efforts, I deleted it entirely. I never could get into my email account. Good thing I rarely used that one. </div>
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What I want to say is that this bump in the road has rattled me a bit, and I certainly don't need anything else rattling me right now. So I may be taking a break from social media for awhile until I learn more about being safer and smarter online. Certain social media pages of mine may vanish and reappear over the next few weeks (if they don't vanish entirely), so just be patient. I'm gonna have to open a new email account and redo my Facebook writer page because the other one has apparently been compromised. This pains and angers me, but I'm afraid I don't know what else to do. I don't really trust a lot of things and people right now, and that's something I need time to overcome before I can make my return and go back to being the writer/blogger you all know and love.</div>
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Just keeping you in the loop.</div>
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<3 Madison </div>
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Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-25191950203374146942017-01-17T12:26:00.000-06:002017-01-17T12:26:10.421-06:00DrowningHello friends, and thank you for sticking around.<br />
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Call it stress, call it excuses, call it poor time management, but lately I've been feeling like I don't have time for any of the things I love the most - things that bring me that priceless sense of peace and contentment I once prioritized.<br />
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I haven't seen my best friends, called my grandmother, or done something just for me in weeks. I find myself apologizing to my dog every time I exit my home because I'm starting to feel like I'm never there. I make seemingly conscious decisions to write and then end up taking a nap instead. I don't eat and take my vitamins like I'm supposed to because I want my food to be quick and easy since nothing else in my life is right now. I feel like I have a million things to do every day, although I'm pretty sure most would argue I haven't even begun to truly know what having a million things to do feels like.<br />
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In short, a lot of things in my life have taken a backseat and I can only hope that they will still be there waiting for me when I'm ready to make room for them in the front.<br />
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<b>Why is all of this happening, you may ask? </b><br />
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Because I'm adulting, that's why.<br />
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In less than two hours, I have to get ready for my fifth consecutive day of what has become mentally and physically exhausting work. Tomorrow will be my sixth consecutive day, and the next day will be my only day off before I return the day after that and work some more consecutive days.<br />
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I'm trying and failing to purchase a reliable vehicle that doesn't bankrupt me. Yesterday was strike I'm not even counting anymore.<br />
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I found an apartment and am currently in the process of figuring out what to do with 25 years worth of stuff that needs a new home while simultaneously attempting to be responsible enough to realize that paper towels, soap, and a microwave are things I should probably acquire. <br />
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I'm trying to nurture the most serious relationship I've ever been in, even though I apparently know nothing about nurturing myself anymore. The self-help articles aren't lying when they say this is difficult.<br />
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The closest person in my life is weeks away from joining the military, and I haven't even taken him out for lunch or mini golf yet. And when he leaves, nothing will be the same. It will be hard.<br />
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This is merely a handful of the commitments I currently have on my plate. I'm trying to take everything one step at a time, but sometimes life simply won't allow it. It's like if you're not cramming 17 important things (including eating, drinking and sleeping) into a single day, you're left feeling as though you accomplished nothing when you finally lay down to get some rest before it starts all over again. <br />
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I feel like I'm drowning. I know that is largely because I do in fact have poor time management and coping skills, but it's also because I have more going on than I'm typically used to. I'd like to think this is a good thing. I'm learning, growing, and moving forward. I'm growing up. And I found someone to share my life with, so it's not like I'm doing this all alone. I'm incredibly lucky in that sense. <br />
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But I miss writing. More importantly, I miss who I am as a writer. I miss the part of me that noticed the things that nobody else did in the midst of their fast-paced and money driven lives. I miss the part of me that turned her face to the sun instead of hanging her head to the ground. I miss the self-awareness, the optimism, the overflow of inspiration. <b>I miss having the time and energy to create and attract people to those creations. </b><br />
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So with all of this said, I owe you an apology.<br />
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I apologize for letting the demands of life bury me and my spirit. I apologize for letting the work that feeds my bank account take priority over the work that feeds my soul. I apologize for becoming less of who I am instead of more of who I am. I apologize for making you think that I don't care anymore.<br />
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I do care. I care every second of every day. And I kick myself for every day that I don't write, even if it's only for ten minutes.<br />
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All I can promise you right now is my faith that the dust will settle and my head will break the surface again. And when it does, I will return with a fire that can never be put out.<br />
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<3 Madison Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-38733973351207259592016-12-01T16:32:00.000-06:002016-12-01T16:32:30.740-06:0017 changes I hope to make in 2017 2016 has been an interesting, challenging and unexpected year for me. And given the <a href="http://journeyofasoulsearcher.blogspot.com/2015/12/my-end-of-year-hopes-for-you.html" target="_blank">events of last year</a>, it has been significantly better and more rewarding. I healed radically and completely from the deepest sorrow I've ever known. I started to see people, places and things outside of my selfish and cloudy little bubble. I asked for help when I was drowning. I fell in love for possibly and hopefully the last time. I made a life-changing decision and stared back when fear tried to stare me down.<br />
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But of course, it's been far from perfect. I have a lot on my plate right now, and more often than not, I feel more compelled to curl up in a ball and go to sleep than begin sorting through it all. I've put important projects and responsibilities on the top shelf, but even though they are out of sight, they are not out of mind. They still exist. They still need to be acknowledged. I've been dealing with some harsh and bewildering conflict in my personal life, and I don't even know where to begin making things right --- or at least making things peaceful and bearable.<br />
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At times, I've glimpsed the person I want to become, and at others, I've lost sight of her completely. I've succeeded in some areas and failed in others. But I wake up every day, show up every day, and try every day.<br />
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I want next year to be different. In a positive way. In a way that challenges me, breaks me, heals me, and rebuilds me. In a way that teaches me how to be 25 years old.<br />
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Here are 17 changes I hope to make in 2017. How about you?<br />
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<b>1. My reaction to conflict</b><br />
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I'm not always under attack. <br />
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<b>2. The frequency in which I count my blessings</b><br />
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I used to count my blessings every single day, and I was so much happier and calmer because of it. What happened?<br />
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<b>3. The way I treat myself</b><br />
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My feelings are worthy, my thoughts are misleading, my goals are valid, and my moments of happiness are deserved.<br />
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<b>4. The way I treat my loved ones</b><br />
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I only have a handful of people in my life who care deeply enough about me to keep in touch, prioritize my well-being, and put up with my crap. They deserve the royal treatment every day of their lives.<br />
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<b>5. My level of freedom</b><br />
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I'm a grown ass woman, and I can do what I want.<br />
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<b>6. My level of fear</b><br />
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Fear is not my friend. Fear is not my friend. Fear is not my friend.<br />
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<b>7. My attention to self-care</b><br />
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I'm stuck with myself for the rest of my life, so I better start going to the doctor, eating healthier, drinking more water, and keeping track of my moods and thought patterns.<br />
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<b>8. My living situation</b><br />
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Remember that scene from Boy Meets World where Mr. Feeny was telling Cory about moving a flower from a small pot in his living room to his garden? Why? Because if he didn't, he feared it would stop growing. Well, I'm that flower. And it's time for me to find a new home. <br />
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<b>9. My inclination to please others</b><br />
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I've disappointed and confused people my whole life, so why bother?<br />
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<b>10. My relationship patterns and beliefs </b><br />
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I may drown in my insecurities, have a history of pain and disappointment, be the poster child for abandonment issues, and believe that I am perpetually unworthy of love, but the relationship I have right now is far too precious and rare to screw up. So I have some serious, serious work to do.<br />
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<b>11. My aversion to adulting</b><br />
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It's time. It's time to adult.<br />
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<b>12. My level of writing productivity</b><br />
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I must start writing every day again. No exceptions, no excuses.<br />
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<b>13. My professional life in general </b><br />
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I hope to achieve some semblance of professional and financial comfort and happiness next year. I don't ever want to feel stuck or uninspired. (Or broke as hell.) <br />
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<b>14. The amount of time I spend online</b><br />
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It's astonishing how much life gets sucked away from you while you're staring at a computer or phone screen for hours every day. I want to cut back and see what happens, for I strongly suspect it will be all good things. <br />
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<b>15. The amount of time I spend procrastinating</b><br />
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It's getting quite ridiculous.<br />
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<b>16. My negative assumptions</b><br />
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Can I get an amen from literally everyone who knows me?<br />
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<b>17. My overall life balance</b><br />
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Balance is still and will always be everything. If I'm not careful, I might give way too much attention to one thing and not nearly enough to another. And I can say from experience that the results of that can be tragic.<br />
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<3 Madison Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-92179620373968019082016-11-03T19:04:00.000-05:002016-11-03T19:04:05.574-05:00Baby steps <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I took a walk around my backyard the other night --- the yard I've called home for more than two decades, the yard where I've played and grown, the yard where I've seen sunsets and stars, the yard where my past dances around me and my future whispers my name.</div>
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I walked slowly and deliberately. I felt the crunch of the leaves beneath my feet and became absorbed in the way the sky turned from a soft pink to a midnight blue. I breathed in the memories of the land and breathed out the wisdom of the wind.</div>
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I don't know much of anything right now, but I do know this:</div>
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I must put one foot in front of the other. I must pay attention to the things I love and how quickly time can take them away. I must look forward to where I'm going, yet never forget where I came from. I must be grateful for every step I take, even if it's a misstep. I must always remember that everything happens for a reason, even if I don't understand it. I must say hello without forgetting to say goodbye.</div>
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I love this backyard with every fiber of my being. </div>
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But there's a world and a future on the other side of it.</div>
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<3 Madison </div>
Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-15249729961870954352016-10-12T10:57:00.001-05:002016-10-12T10:57:29.975-05:00Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 14)~ There are two sides to every story, and only you can know the real truth if you were the one who experienced it. If other people don't believe you, that's their problem. If other people misunderstand the situation, that's also their problem. Take comfort in the fact that YOU know the truth, even if other people don't. I'd like to believe that the truth always comes out either way.<br />
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~ I believe in karma. And I believe it is unbiased.<br />
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~ I don't think you truly realize the value of a real, solid relationship until you're in one. They have a way of making you look back on all the crap you put up with before and wonder why you spent a single minute of your life putting up with it. I currently have someone who thinks I'm the sun. I'll never settle for less than that again, and neither should you. You're fantastic and rare, and you deserve someone who doesn't treat you like you're anything less.<br />
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~ Four months ago, I found myself anxiously wondering if I would ever heal from an experience that broke me down to an unimaginable degree. And guess what? I did heal. I healed so much that that part of my life feels like somebody else's. Like I watched and vaguely remember somebody else experiencing it rather than experiencing it myself. You will get to that point in your own journey as well. So be patient, be gentle, and have faith. Have SO much faith. <br />
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~ Listen to what other people have to say, but always take it with a grain of salt. The best wisdom you will ever receive can only come from within. <br />
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~ Deciding whether or not to cut someone out of your life is a deeply personal decision. Consider the consequences before you do it.<br />
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~ The desire to genuinely work on and improve yourself should be applauded in a world full of the desire for familiarity and blissful ignorance.<br />
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~ It's okay to pause before you leap and cry before you cheer.<br />
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~ Things in your life may change, but your attitudes and beliefs don't have to change with them.<br />
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~ Breathe. Take your time. Trust yourself.<br />
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<3 Madison Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-48184136725628793752016-09-19T12:23:00.000-05:002016-09-19T12:23:24.351-05:00One month sober<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's been one month since I last spoke to you. One month since you messaged me at 3 o'clock in the morning with intentions I will never understand. </div>
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It's been one month since I gave my broken heart to somebody else, somebody unexpected, somebody who deserves to have it. One month since he immediately got to work putting it back together piece by piece and cherishing it like you once said you would. </div>
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It's been one month since I finally found the courage to tell you that my happiness was more important than you. One month since you finally found the decency to respect that happiness. </div>
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It's been one month since I realized you were more of a poison than a fix. One month since I realized my ability to breathe, laugh and live again. </div>
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It's been one month since you left me for good. Maybe out of mercy. Maybe out of spite. It's been one month since I let you go without putting up a fight.</div>
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I thought I couldn't live without you, but maybe I can. Maybe I can do it for another month. And another. And another.</div>
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I must.</div>
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<3 Madison </div>
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Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-67751638647548543572016-09-01T14:28:00.001-05:002016-09-01T14:30:32.033-05:00My official website<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lmXqDtxQsjw/V8TaV0Nk-KI/AAAAAAAAAYA/MXN2y8l8jKU8ZcWxT5WZAdbITJpoHMa_QCLcB/s1600/Pic%2B57.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lmXqDtxQsjw/V8TaV0Nk-KI/AAAAAAAAAYA/MXN2y8l8jKU8ZcWxT5WZAdbITJpoHMa_QCLcB/s320/Pic%2B57.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Hey guys! Guess what?!</div>
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After years of toying with and dreaming about the idea of investing in my very own Internet hub, I finally have my very own Internet hub! An official website. A fancy website. A comprehensive website. And I couldn't be more excited about sharing it with you.<br />
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<a href="http://madisonsonnier.com/">http://madisonsonnier.com/</a><br />
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No worries though - I'm not going anywhere. This is only the beginning. <br />
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<3 Madison </div>
Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-6052762882212987282016-08-25T14:25:00.000-05:002016-08-25T14:25:22.197-05:00I hope you meet someone.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HmRB2LY0g6U/V7841UbEjuI/AAAAAAAAAXk/MXLaRIg8HgAncwIVjOZHVLQmAyfV-VWhACLcB/s1600/20160825_125610.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HmRB2LY0g6U/V7841UbEjuI/AAAAAAAAAXk/MXLaRIg8HgAncwIVjOZHVLQmAyfV-VWhACLcB/s320/20160825_125610.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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"You're going to meet someone wonderful someday," they said. "Someone who will make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else." </div>
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Nearly everyone around me already had someone. The pains and frustrations of modern dating were shouting in my face. All the good guys appeared to be taken. The one person who held my heart handled it just irresponsibly enough to make me believe that maybe, just maybe he wasn't trying to be irresponsible with it at all. </div>
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I couldn't grasp the concept of finding someone who thought I was fantastic and worth making an effort for. I couldn't believe in it. I couldn't see it. And so I drove down dead end roads and held on to things that made me bleed and settled for less and ultimately realized that I needed myself far more than I would ever need another person. </div>
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And that's when I met someone wonderful. That's when I met someone who made me realize why it never worked out with anyone else. </div>
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All I can say is that you won't believe in it until it happens.</div>
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<b>So I hope you meet someone.</b></div>
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I hope you meet someone who makes flowers out of napkins and magic out of normalcy.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who remembers every little thing you tell them about yourself.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who notices, observes, listens, and asks questions.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who texts you back. </div>
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I hope you meet someone who respects your boundaries and takes their time.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who never makes you question your worth.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who makes your happiness and comfort a priority.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who loves the sound of your laughter as much as you do.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who openly celebrates when you hold their hand or tell them your secrets.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who hugs your mother and opens the car door for you.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who is spontaneous and endearing.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who surprises and shocks you on a daily basis.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who thinks of you first thing in the morning and all day long.</div>
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I hope you meet someone who makes your stomach drop and your heart soar.</div>
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But most of all and more than anything else, I hope you meet someone who finally gives you a promising glimpse of what you really deserve. And makes you realize that whatever you had before was anything but. </div>
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<3 Madison </div>
Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-36019589666362082972016-08-09T13:07:00.000-05:002016-08-09T13:07:15.108-05:00A welcome note to sadnessHello again.<br />
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I know it's pretty normal and expected for me to fall apart whenever you pay me a visit these days. You fill my chest, steal the smile from my face, create realities that aren't there, and eventually send me to bed with a weight on my shoulders and a sharpness in my heart. I crumbled beneath you every single time you even threatened to appear.<br />
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For months, you were the only thing I knew. I would've given anything to make you go away and finally let me reconnect with the person I was before you permeated my being.<br />
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<b>I resisted you. I fought against you. I told myself you couldn't hurt me, even though you did just that.</b><br />
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But the other night, I felt something different when you stopped by.<br />
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Peace. Acceptance. A harmonious sense of familiarity.<br />
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And as I soaked up this new feeling, your severity began to subside. I almost immediately went from fearing I would crumble again to standing up even straighter and embracing you in a way I never had before. I saw you for what you were - a reminder of my strength and resilience. A wound I lived through and healed from, even though I didn't believe I would at times. A piece of my story, which is important. A piece of my past, which is not. A beacon of hope and light for my future, which is already looking better than I ever imagined.<br />
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So here's what I'd like to say to you now: <br />
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I see you. I welcome you. I accept you wholeheartedly. And I thank you for teaching me to find the light in all the places I failed to look while I was too busy telling myself you shouldn't exist. <br />
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<3 Madison <b> </b>Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-1255894601225613392016-08-04T18:02:00.000-05:002016-08-04T18:02:38.120-05:00Happiness in a bottleI, like most people I'm sure, wish I could somehow bottle happiness and soak in it during times of grief, stress and anxiety. I'm not referring to the kind of happiness that is exponential or based off of a major source of joy or success, but the kind of happiness that is full of peaceful acceptance, quiet contentment, and a healthy dose of hope and excitement. <br />
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I was at work the other night when I briefly experienced this kind of happiness. It's not that anything major happened. I was simply having a good day. I was getting along with my co-workers and customers. I made good money. Things were going well in my life in general. And when I got home, my face was actually sore from smiling so much. It was just one of those days, and I remember my efforts to soak up that feeling for all it was worth - my desire to bottle it up and keep it for the days of fear, uncertainty and sadness.<br />
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Unfortunately, I had one of those days the very next day upon finding out something that broke my heart wide open - of course, after I so <a href="http://thoughtcatalog.com/madison-sonnier/2016/07/for-the-ones-who-have-survived-emotional-trauma/" target="_blank">carefully and painstakingly put it back together</a> recently. I numbed myself to the information, refusing to ask too many questions or let it sink in too much. But when I woke up at the break of dawn the next morning with the reality that it wasn't just a dream and I couldn't change a thing about it, I cried for an hour. Bitterly. Fearfully. Pitifully.<br />
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It's strange to me how we can feel so happy one day and so devastated the next. It almost seems wholly unfair, as if life is simply unwilling to give us a break and let sleeping dogs lie.<br />
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So in the wake of my latest source of unease and heartbreak, I found myself wishing I had that happiness in a bottle even more. (Please spare the Xanax and Vodka jokes.)<br />
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I just want to bottle the type of feeling I get upon receiving wonderful news. The type of feeling I get in the presence of someone I love or feel attracted to. The type of feeling I get when I wake up and remember that I have little to do, thus leading to the realization that I can do whatever I want. The type of feeling I get when someone makes me laugh out loud. The type of feeling I get when things run smoothly and problems work themselves out. The type of feeling I get when I'm lost in the world of a good book or a captivating movie. The type of feeling I get when I know I've done something well, correctly or brilliantly. The type of feeling I get when I hear from someone I haven't spoken to in awhile. The type of feeling I get when I'm in a new and exciting environment. The type of feeling I get when life is on my side and pain keeps its distance.<br />
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But I can't. I can't put happiness in a bottle.<br />
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So instead, I'm choosing to change what I reasonably can and accept what I reasonably cannot. I'm choosing to live in the moment instead of dreading the future. I'm choosing to take my life and solve my problems one step at a time. I'm choosing to let go and set myself free from self-inflicted stress. I'm choosing to focus on my own life instead of worrying about everyone else's. <b>I'm choosing to do everything I can to keep hope and happiness alive, no matter what life throws at me. </b><br />
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And I suppose that's the closest I'll ever get to having happiness in a bottle. But if you ask me, it's a whole lot better than nothing.<br />
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<3 Madison <br />
<br />Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-73259770728983282012016-07-19T12:27:00.000-05:002016-07-19T12:27:51.082-05:00Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 13) ~ I haven't written a "miscellaneous thoughts" post in ages. It's good to be back.<br />
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~ Try not to regret investing in your health. It's outrageous and unfair that sick people have to deal with financial stress on top of being sick, but an investment in your health and well-being will always be a worthy investment.<br />
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~ Also, don't regret what you create. Your creative contribution is an important part of your story and who you are.<br />
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~ Progress is never linear. Healing takes time. Growth takes failure.<br />
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~ Pain ends. And you will be tough as nails when it does.<br />
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~ If you're doing your best, you're doing enough.<br />
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~ I'm starting to realize that romantic love is pretty subordinate in comparison to all the other types of love you can have in your life. When you have romantic love, it's all-consuming and feels like the most important type of love there is. But when you lose it, you find love in so many other places. Within yourself, in the presence of family and friends, in the little moments that make life more bearable, and in the little reminders that you're not alone after all. You can still be in love without being in love.<br />
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~ Closure is overrated. Just let go and know that you deserve to be happy and free. That should be closure enough.<br />
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~ There's no shame in having a day job while you do something you love on the side. Just don't let the day job eat up all your time and passion. Remember why you have it in the first place.<br />
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~ Feeling things deeply is not a flaw. It's a character trait that more people should possess in this narcissistic, mean, and crazy ass world.<br />
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~ Be nice to your parents. They mean well. (There are obvious exceptions to this, so don't take my word for it if your parents are assholes.)<br />
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~ Take your medicine, eat at least three meals a day, give yourself a break when you're tired, and don't let other people tell you how to feel. <br />
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<3 MadisonMadison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-16915681828678892372016-07-06T13:03:00.001-05:002016-07-06T13:03:54.190-05:00The trouble with instant gratification I constantly crave instant gratification, which is a very common issue in society. We want what we want, and we want it as soon as possible. And we often end up taking the worst possible paths to get it.<br />
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Selfishness. Entitlement. Manipulation. Impulsiveness. Cheating. Lying. Self-destruction.<br />
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I've resorted to nearly all of the above at one time or another. All because I was too impatient to be patient and too consumed by the hard parts to focus on the forthcoming good parts. I wanted instant gratification. I wanted results. I wanted a straight and easy path to healing, success, personal gain - whatever I was after at the time. <br />
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But here's the thing: <b>Being patient and doing the messy, less than pleasant work of achieving or acquiring what you hope to achieve or acquire is really, really, really, really hard. </b><br />
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Progress takes time, work, and a lot of steps in the wrong direction. I'm learning and re-learning that there's no magic formula, no grand answer, and no obstacle-free path to success and happiness - or anything else for that matter. You can't push people out of the way. You can't resist what needs to happen just because it's not happening the way you wish it would happen. And you can't avoid the truth. You can't avoid what is waiting to be discovered.<br />
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I feel like I'm climbing a mountain in 90 degree heat, guys. I'm so tired. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm so thirsty. I have cuts and bruises all over me. When I stop to rest, I feel both grateful for the stillness and panicked that I'll never reach the top, never see the view, never bask in the sunlight of victory and growth. And that's when the familiar urge for instant gratification creeps in, begging me to find a short cut where there isn't one or encouraging me to quit altogether when I've already come so far.<br />
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It's so challenging. I have days where all the fight has left my body and all I can do is cry. But for every day I don't believe I can make it, I have a day where I manage to find my innermost strength and willingness to try really damn hard anyway.<br />
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What I'm ultimately trying to say is this:<br />
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I know your journey isn't always easy, and I know the search for instant gratification is tempting. Love hurts, money is scarce, amazing opportunities are difficult to come by, we live amongst a chaotic sea of questions with only little islands of answers scattered here and there, and personal struggles have a cruel way of haunting us, no matter how much progress we made yesterday, last week, last month, or last year.<br />
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But hang in there. If it's hard, you're doing it right. If it hurts, it's working. If you're taking the long way, you're on the right path. <br />
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<3 Madison Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2082159757107106731.post-37647286562451636832016-06-28T10:20:00.002-05:002016-06-28T10:22:44.755-05:005 years<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dzy2A7-14c0/V3KDWY4SiqI/AAAAAAAAAXI/zZjII8EfhWsRhIdJyKRF658tZwo-vnH_ACLcB/s1600/078.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dzy2A7-14c0/V3KDWY4SiqI/AAAAAAAAAXI/zZjII8EfhWsRhIdJyKRF658tZwo-vnH_ACLcB/s320/078.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Four days ago, my blog turned 5 years old. (Here's my <a href="http://journeyofasoulsearcher.blogspot.com/2011/06/if-you-turn-me-inside-out-you-will-find.html" target="_blank">very first post</a>. What a THROWBACK.)</div>
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I never imagined how much of an impact such a seemingly simple decision would have on my life. I started this blog tentatively and with a bit of fear that I would get bored or impatient with it before I had a chance to build up a readership. But I never gave up on it. At one point, it was one of the only things I really loved and felt connected to. It became a sort of passion project for me and has led to so many incredible opportunities.<br />
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Radical healing. Work and networking opportunities. A loyal and loving community of personal growth enthusiasts. A romantic relationship with a reader (that didn't end super well, but still). Lasting, invaluable friendships with wonderful people. A <a href="http://journeyofasoulsearcher.blogspot.com/2016/06/do-you-like-books.html" target="_blank">book idea</a>.<br />
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When I think about it all, my heart feels so full. I'm reminded that trusting yourself, no matter what anyone thinks, is one of the absolute best things you can do. What started as journaling turned into a passion of being vulnerable and sharing my voice with the masses. And I've experienced nothing but goodness ever since.<br />
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Everyone has a path, and this is mine. I can honestly never thank you enough for loving what I have to say, hurting alongside me, encouraging me when I'm weak, and sticking around all these years. I couldn't have done any of this without you.<br />
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<3 Madison <br />
<br />Madison Sonnier http://www.blogger.com/profile/17689138122547284808noreply@blogger.com0