A Chat About Self-Love with Lori Deschene

 

I am a huge fan of Lori and Tiny Buddha, as most of you may know. So I was beyond excited when I got an email asking if it would be okay if she featured one of my Tiny Buddha posts in her upcoming book, Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself. It was a no-brainer.  

The excitement continued when she asked if I would be interested in posting a Q&A with her on this little blog of mine. It was another no-brainer. I've always wanted to interview Lori, but never had a relevant theme or topic in mind. Now I have one! 

So I sent Lori some questions about self-love, and she got back to me with these wonderfully insightful responses. I hope they inspire you as much as they inspired me.

1. What initially inspired you to write Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself? 

It's something I've planned to do for awhile---start a series of "Tiny Buddha's Guide to" books, drawing from the many inspiring stories on the site.

Self-love seemed like the perfect topic to start with, since this is the core of all personal growth and the foundation for loving others and loving life.

It's also the foundation of my greatest struggles.

For a long time, I thought my life was a mess because of my depression, or my former eating disorder, or my lack of purpose, or my lack of money, but at the heart of all those troubles was my unwavering self-loathing.

2. We all struggle with loving ourselves sometimes, and no one ever truly arrives at a place of complete self-acceptance. It's human nature to be hard on ourselves. How do you deal when loving yourself is hard?

Reminding myself of this truth is the first thing I do. Sometimes I get hard on myself for getting hard on myself, which is incredibly ironic when you think about it.

It's piling judgment on top of pain---emotions on top of emotions---and it's a surefire way to get stuck.

Beyond that, it varies. Sometimes I'm proud of how I deal. I get outside and out of my head and take good care of my mind and body. Other times, I shut down and guard myself until I feel better. I'm a work in progress!

3. Do you ever struggle with looking for truth in the less than flattering things people say or think about you? If so, how do you move past that?

Absolutely. For a long time, I interpreted every criticism or judgment as proof that I was a fundamentally bad person. I literally feared other people's perceptions of me because I saw each one as a mirror.

I became a chameleon, trying to be whatever I thought people would accept. And later, I adopted the "indisputably good person" persona, thinking no one could possibly judge me if I tried really hard to be a short, blond Dalai Lama.

I feel I've made tremendous progress here because I now realize that being disliked by some is a sign that I am being real---and creating the possibility of being liked by others who actually appreciate me for who I am.

4. Why do you think the voice in our head that tells us we're not good enough is often louder than the voice that tells us we are? 

Most of us form this belief young, based on interactions with our parents, teachers and peers.

We assume it means we are not good enough when someone hurts us, or fails to meet our needs, or compares us to someone else.

Once we've formed this belief, we go through life looking for further evidence to support it. It's as if we're wearing "I'm not good enough" glasses that filter everything through the lens of that understanding.

Aside from that, we're now dealing with a whole new set of challenges with social media. There's no shortage of reminders that other people are falling in love, getting married, having babies, traveling the world, launching businesses, or otherwise doing something that seems better than what we're doing.

It's like that Steve Furtick quote: "We struggle with insecurity because we compare our behind the scenes to everyone's highlight reel."

I know I've been there!

5. You're very open about your personal struggles in your writing, and that honesty helps people feel connected to you. Do you believe that having the courage to show your flaws and scars contributes to a greater feeling of self-love?

I think so. Every time I've shared something that I once held in secrecy and shame, I've felt a tremendous sense of relief and an increase in self-acceptance.

I shared one personal story in this book that I formerly assumed I'd never share publicly. But putting it out there reminded me that I have every reason to be proud of myself. I am not someone who needs to hide my experiences or myself. I am someone who deserves to be seen and can help other people by doing it.

6. I'm a quote nerd. What is your favorite quote about self-love?

One of my favorites is: "What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful." ~ Brené Brown

It reminds me that I don't need to be anything other than what I am. I just need to embrace and embody it.

7. What helps you minimize the comparisons you make to other people? 

It helps me to remember my own unique values, priorities and needs. My professional life is one area where I struggle with comparisons. I've gotten to know quite a few other bloggers-turned-authors, many of whom have gone on to become well-known self-help gurus.

At times, I've wondered if I'm somehow less than because I'm not leading workshops and seminars around the world and creating this type of notoriety. Then I remember that I'm not doing that because it doesn't align with what I want for myself.

It's not the path I want to follow, so it's irrelevant if other people are doing it and doing it well.

Of course, there are times when I compare myself to others who are walking the same path and seem to be doing it better.

It helps me to remind myself that no matter where I am in life, there will always be someone else who seems "ahead" of me. If I obsess about getting "there," I'll never learn to appreciate here. And here is all there is.

8. Do you ever find yourself seeking permission or validation before doing or saying something? How do you free yourself from that? 

Yes, I do seek validation at times. It's usually when I'm feeling bad about myself or feeling unconfident in a choice I want to make. It helps me to ask myself, "What do I wish that person would say to me?" Then I tell it to myself.

10. What's next for you and Tiny Buddha?

For me personally, I am about to realize a long-held dream of living a bi-coastal lifestyle with my fiancé, so we can spend time with both of our families (his in the San Francisco Bay area, and mine in the Boston area).

For Tiny Buddha, I'm working on the next guide-to book and a series of apps, but primarily focusing on spreading the word about this book. I'm proud of the end result, and I believe it will help others feel less alone and more confident about their worth.

Readers can pre-order the book (and receive the self-love bonus pack of related eBooks, eCourses and workbooks, valued at over $150) at:

http://tinybuddha.com/guide-to-loving-yourself/

            

Big thank you to Lori and to you for reading. Be sure to check out the book!

<3 Madison 

I'm still alive.

Hello friends.

I realize that I've sucked at blogging this month, and being the overly apologetic and paranoid person that I am, I wanted to briefly explain why and just pop in long enough to share a few things that have been on my mind lately.

First of all, if you've seen my latest Facebook status, you probably know what the deal is. If you haven't, click on over for a few reasons as to why I've been so absent. (Nothing bad! I'm just a bit busy and distracted right now.)

Fall is almost always an exciting and busy month for me...At least it has been over the past few years. In the fall of 2011, I overcame depression and started pursuing my passion. In the fall of 2012, I spent a lot of time being happier, watching little victories unfold, and learning to open myself up to love and friendship again. This fall, I'm releasing my first eBook and also being featured in a print book written by one of my favorite humans (Lori Deschene of Tiny Buddha). I'm also working harder, getting clearer on what exactly I want to accomplish in my life, and working up the strength and courage to get out of my comfort zone so I can start being interesting again. I can only write so many blog posts about how I'm not living up to my full potential before people start to get bored, annoyed and depressed. I hope you're not bored, annoyed or depressed because of me. Sometimes I get really bored, annoyed and depressed with myself. I guess I just want to change that in any little way that I can.

And aside from the fact that I'm preparing for everything going on this fall and the fact that my attention span has refused to sit in one place long enough for me to crank out some adequate content this month, I've also been having a bit of a love/hate relationship with the Internet lately.

I love blogging (when I'm inspired) and being able to work from home. I love all my Internet friends. I love all my favorite blogs and social networking sites. I love how easy it is to connect with people and learn how to do things at the click of a button. I love being able to look up words on dictionary.com when I'm not sure if I've used them in the right context. I love spell check. I love killing time on YouTube.

But I hate all the cruelty I see on a near daily basis...hateful comments and demeaning gossip blogs. I hate how the Internet gives bullies an easy outlet to unleash their rage and envy. I hate stupid Twitter hashtags like #ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate. I hate feeling like I'm doing nothing with my life when I read a blog post that tells me I'm worthless if what I do for a living doesn't accumulate a certain amount of money and notoriety. I hate the comparison game...how everybody tries to one up everybody else. I hate spending more time on the Internet than I do with my dogs. I hate spam. I hate Googling answers to questions I don't want to answer myself. I hate that I don't write in my journal anymore. I hate feeling like I honestly have nothing better to do if my Internet is down. I hate getting distracted by Yahoo headlines while I'm trying to work or do research. I hate that I relate to this photo on more days than I care to mention.

So I guess a part of me is just trying to find a balance between sharing my life and actually living it---a balance between relying on the Internet for entertainment and relying on my own imagination and creativity. When my life experience meter is running on empty, it's pretty hard to blog about anything aside from how uninspired I feel.

Thank you for staying with me and for understanding. I hope you'll keep checking back for new posts on the regular and sending me emails when you want to talk. :-)

In the meantime, keep an eye out for my first eBook this fall (yay) and a Q&A with Lori Deschene going up next month.

Talk to you soon.

<3 Madison          

 

The green-eyed monster

Reluctant confession of the week: I've been feeling a bit jealous of someone lately---someone I love and think is wonderful. I'm proud of her and happy for her, but at the same time, I've been feeling pangs of jealousy here and there.

It's a really strange feeling to be equally happy for and jealous of someone. And then you feel like a terrible person for being even slightly tempted to write passive aggressive rants on the Internet about how much you hate it when "someone" thinks they're all that and a bag of chips. (Thankfully, I refrained.) 

I really do think this person is awesome. I'm happy for her and excited for her. But sometimes I flare up with jealousy when I hear about how exciting and eventful her life is in comparison to mine. Then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. Then I turn into a grumpy, melancholy, self-hating human for the rest of the afternoon. 

Perhaps you can relate.

So I decided to be proactive for once and work through these feelings. Because the green-eyed monster doesn't exactly cultivate respect and lasting friendships. 

Step 1: Identify which areas of your own life you're dissatisfied with.  

Bonus points if it's something the person you're jealous of has and you don't. For example, you may be jealous of someone who is making more money than you because you're dissatisfied with the amount of money you make. Or you may be jealous of someone who travels all the time because you don't have the means or motivation to travel yourself.   

Step 2: Ask yourself what little steps you can take to be more satisfied in those areas.

These don't have to be big or overwhelming steps. Think of one little baby step you can take, and then go from there. For example, if you want to travel more, figure out how much it would cost to visit and spend a certain amount of time in a place you've always wanted to travel to. Then you could start setting aside a certain percentage of your income each month until you have enough money saved to fund the trip.    

Step 3: Count your own blessings.

Don't be so busy counting someone else's blessings that you forget to count your own. Look around. You always have something to be grateful for. I always feel better about myself and about my life when I take the time to truly notice and appreciate what I have.  

Step 4: Remember that the people you're jealous of are not perfect, have their own battles to fight every day, and may even be jealous of you. 

Don't be presumptuous enough to assume that the objects of your jealousy have all their shit together. No one ever does. One time I read something online that said something like, "If you threw all your problems in a pile with other people's problems, you'd grab all your problems back." (Something like that. I don't feel like Googling it verbatim.) It is a waste of time to compare your life to someone else's. You never know what is going on behind the scenes.

If you follow these steps, I think your jealousy will be cured. Mine is. 

<3 Madison   

Never enough

Sometimes I feel like I'm not living up to my full potential. And the really sucky, embarrassing truth is that I know I am not. I am so not.

I could be working harder. I could be a better person. I could get out more and make my existence mean something in the real world and not just on the Internet. 

It's exhausting to always feel like you never quite measure up. I have a friend who works her ass off and has done and been so many things, and even she feels like she doesn't measure up. She's always reaching for the next rung on the ladder---always pushing to make herself feel like a worthy, important, contributing member of society. And yet, she hates herself a little every single day.  

Does anyone ever feel like they measure up? It's like no matter what we do and no matter how hard we try, somebody somewhere is going to make us feel like it's not enough. We're going to make ourselves feel like it's not enough. 

Everyone thinks this way. Ask anyone, and I highly doubt you will find someone who says something like, "Oh, I definitely feel like I measure up. I know I'm good enough, and I'm living to my absolute fullest potential." If you find someone like this, please email me their contact information so I can learn their secret. 

I just really feel like a complete, total failure at life some days, and the thing I hate the most is that I rarely feel like doing anything about it. Getting dejected doesn't motivate me at all. It just makes me want to stare into space for half an hour as my mind assaults my soul and makes me feel like the most insignificant human being on the face of the Earth. 

Then I start wondering why I should work on my dreams every day if it never quite seems like I'm doing enough. I start wondering if I'm truly on the right path or if I should pave a new one. I start wondering what the people in my life see in me and what all of you see in me when I can't even find too many good things to see in myself.

It's a messy mentality to get stuck in. 

So how can we truly know if what we're doing in our lives is enough? Is our self-worth measured by what we do or who we are? How can we motivate ourselves to do more and be more when we feel too dejected to do anything at all? 

Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

<3 Madison   

Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 6)

~ People won't take you seriously unless you give them a reason to. It sucks, but sometimes you just have to let it go.

~ Being successful won't make people like you. Being a good person will.

~ Creativity can never truly be squelched.

~ Pay attention. To everything.

~ The hand of death is unbiased and unpredictable. Tell someone you love that you love them.

~ Life and love do not come with rulebooks. How many times do I have to tell you? There are no rules. Zilch.

~ It's okay to seek advice and support, but don't abandon your own inner voice in the process. It may be the quietest voice, but it speaks the loudest.

~ It's really sad when something fun or soul recharging isn't happening anymore. I guess the best way to deal with it is to find something new to look forward to. And then when that's over, repeat the process. Try to always have something to look forward to.

~ Sacrifices are far from easy, but sometimes they're necessary.

~ People aren't always judging you. Sometimes they're just genuinely curious or concerned, and it can come across as judgment.

~ Being unemployed is often a blessing in disguise. And you are not your job status.

~ Treat your emotions gently. They will come and go as they please, and no amount of fighting will make them subside before they're ready.

<3 Madison

A formal introduction to the blog no one is reading yet

I know the title of this post sounds super snarky, but that is not my intention. I'd prefer to think of it as clever and attention-grabbing. And some people actually are reading the blog. Like 4-5 people per day. I suppose that's better than nothing.

Anyways. I decided to show Journey of a Soul Searcher some love on my new blog today. (Click here to see.) Then I decided that while I was at it, I would dedicate an entire post to giving you a more official introduction to said blog. If you haven't seen it yet, I encourage you to give it a chance. If you think it totally sucks, you have my permission to never visit again. 

The name of this blog is More to Share, More to Learn. It's a lifestyle blog where I write about other things I'm interested in aside from the inside of my soul. I write about stuff like relationships, organization and food. It's a little more grown-up. A little more 20-something. (But I also still write about the inside of my soul a little bit, so that's a plus for my existing blog readers.)  

If you still need some convincing, here are 4 reasons to check out More to Share, More to Learn: 

1. It's a creative extension of little old me.

I used to think I was a one trick pony. (And let's be honest...I sort of am.) Once I started feeling excited about other topics aside from my own personal life ramblings, I needed a creative space to put them in. So I decided to launch a new blog. If you ever get tired of reading about topics pertaining to several of the same themes, my new blog might be a breath of fresh air. It shows that I can write about other things too. 

2. The content is more diverse.

I'd like to think there's something for everyone on my new blog. Whether you like reading about love, life, food, weddings, family, entertainment or home improvement, I'm sure you'll find something useful and interesting.  

3. There is at least one picture included with every post. 

I don't include a picture with every post on this blog. On my new one, I do. I even posted an adorable photo of one of my dogs in a post about my Pinterest boards. Go look for it!     

4. It's written in the same personalized tone as Journey of a Soul Searcher.

In case you're worried that my new blog is going to sound super detached or removed, I'm happy to tell you that you're wrong. It's written in the same personalized, conversational tone as this one. (I still put lots of phrases in parenthesis and stuff.) 

Thanks for reading, and I hope you decide to stop by. http://more-to-share-more-to-learn.blogspot.com/

<3 Madison

p.s. Self-promotional posts are super awkward to write and not really my cup of tea, but I can't expect people to know about things if I don't talk/write about them.

p.p.s. Be sure to follow More to Share, More to Learn on Twitter if you like what you see.   

The freedom to just be

Every now and then I stumble across a really inspiring article about accepting yourself just as you are instead of constantly looking for ways to change or be better. We live in a world that is very fixated on self-improvement. Self-improvement is great and all, but I agree that sometimes it can be exhausting and debilitating to get trapped in the, "I can be better" or "I'm not quite good enough" mindset.

I don't like preachy wisdom. I don't like it when people look down on others just because they're in a different or "lesser" phase of their journey.

I suck at so many things. I suck at being a grown-up. I suck at being super fast-paced and productive. I suck at busting through fear and anxiety. I suck at finding new ways to be a better person. I suck at living life to the absolute fullest. And in a way, these facts can be helpful. In fact, most of you may be thinking, "You can be a better grown-up! You can be more productive! You can bust through fear and anxiety! You can be a better person! You can live life to the absolute fullest!"

And I'm sure you're right. But I think you're missing the point a little. In a lot of the articles I read about accepting yourself just as you are at any given moment, there's still one little tidbit thrown in there about how you still have to change---about how not changing will make you miserable in one way or another. In other words, they're kind of saying, "You're enough just the way you are. But you should still figure out what you need to change."

I don't always feel like figuring out what I need to change. I don't feel like comparing myself to other, more successful people. I don't like feeling like I have to prove myself. Sometimes I just want the freedom to simply be. No change, no improvement, no self-abuse. Just pure, 100% acceptance of myself.

Today I give you permission to...

Accept yourself if you're feeling weak.
Accept yourself if you're feeling nervous.
Accept yourself if you're feeling scared.
Accept yourself if you're feeling clueless.
Accept yourself if you're feeling unsuccessful.
Accept yourself if you're feeling lazy.
Accept yourself if you're feeling stuck.
Accept yourself if you're feeling angry.
Accept yourself if you're feeling bored.
Accept yourself if you're feeling less than you think you should be.

When you stop judging yourself completely, you leave more room to love yourself. I'm speaking from experience when I tell you that positive growth always blossoms when I treat myself with love, kindness and patience. When I judge myself, I hate myself. Nothing good or positive ever comes out of hating myself or comparing myself to others. That may work for some people, but it doesn't work for me.

And believe it or not, there is more right with you than wrong with you. At least that's what Jon Kabat-Zinn says.

I choose not to judge myself today.

<3 Madison