As an avid Internet user/blog reader/people pleaser, I get fed a lot of information and a lot of opinions on a daily basis. I try to look for the truth is almost everything I hear, which is a terrible habit now that I think about it. Sometimes I'll hear something that makes me feel really uncomfortable or insecure. My head will say, "Well that has to be true. A professional/a more prominent member of the blogosphere/your mother/a famous person said it." And then my gut will say, "No no no, I disagree, I disagree. This doesn't feel right!" And yet I still adopt other people's beliefs as my own until I don't know what I believe anymore.
We all have views, opinions and beliefs about things. It doesn't necessarily mean that anyone is right or wrong. I've been trying to make more of an effort to really decide what resonates with me versus what doesn't. If I don't stay true to my own views, I tend to lose myself. I become a mindless follower of everyone else. I lie to myself. I get terribly confused and terribly frustrated.
So from this day forward, I propose that each of you choose the views, opinions and beliefs that resonate with you. It's okay if your best friend, partner, grandmother, or goldfish disagrees with you. They have their way of life, and you have yours.
Some people may believe that you have to do something big in order to matter. Others may believe that simply being alive and happy is enough, regardless of what you do or don't do.
Some people may believe in saying yes more often. Others may believe in saying no more often.
Some people may believe in playing the field and dating lots of different people. Others may believe in playing for keeps or not playing at all.
Some people may believe in living off of green juice and kale chips. Others may believe in giving yourself permission to indulge in cupcakes and tater tots.
Some people may believe that feeling beautiful means wearing hair extensions and fake eyelashes. Others may believe that feeling beautiful means throwing their hair back in a bun and being okay with their aversion to make-up.
Some people may believe in constantly fixing themselves. Others may believe in accepting themselves just as they are at any given moment.
Some people may believe in following a traditional path in life. Others may believe in marching to the beat of a different drum.
Whatever your beliefs, views or opinions, own them. You don't have to stray from your path just because a seemingly cooler/more experienced person says you should.
Cheers to being yourself...unapologetically.
<3 Madison
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
Identity crisis
I rather impulsively posted the following status update on Facebook the other day:
"Guys, I'm having an identity crisis.
I've been working through a book of exercises for 20-somethings for the past month, and I just finished reading a section about disentangling who you are from what you do. But I've noticed multiple times that when I take away my title as "writer," I literally have no idea who I am or why I matter to the world.
Does anybody else struggle with this? Do you tie the entire meaning of your existence to what you do?
Help."
It's true. Ever since I started writing, I've felt a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I would think, "This is what I am meant to do. This is what makes me important in the world, even if it makes me just a little bit more important than I used to be."
The book I've been reading has really encouraged me to peel back a lot of layers in my life. It has led to a lot of self-discovery, not all of it very comforting. One of my latest realizations is that I have been tying a large chunk of my identity to my job for a long time. When I'm not working or not working on something I enjoy, I feel worthless. When I describe myself, the things I like about myself, and the things I enjoy doing, most of those things have something to do with my ability to create. While this isn't necessarily a terrible thing (because it's good to do something you can feel good and passionate about), it's detrimental to my self-esteem. If I'm not a writer, I don't really know who I am. It's unsettling.
The book I'm referring to (20 Something, 20 Everything) asked the following questions in an exercise about separating who you are from what you do:
1. Do you think a job can make you feel better about yourself? Will it (or does it) validate you?
2. Do you think you must have a career in order to feel successful?
3. Do you feel embarrassed when someone asks you what you do for a living? Are you ashamed of what you do?
4. Do you think people would think more of you if you had a better job?
5. Do you think your life would be better if you had a job you loved?
6. Do you ever feel worthless because you do not think you are doing something important?
I answered "yes" or "sometimes" to every single question. Ever since I got out of high school, I've been driven by the need to do something. When my writing finally started to take off and I started landing gigs here and there, it validated me as a human. And even though I enjoy what I do (most of the time), I still don't feel established enough. I don't make enough money. I don't have enough notoriety in the world of writers. I haven't succeeded at something big or super note-worthy. I'm always wanting more and feeling embarrassed and less than when I don't live up to expectations. Therefore, I tie my identity and self-worth to how much I do.
And despite knowing that this is an unhealthy mentality, I can't seem to break it. No matter how many times I am reminded that I am worthy simply for existing, I just don't feel important unless I'm doing something productive and meaningful.
Sometimes I can't help but ask myself if I've really grown much at all. I tied my sense of self-worth to what I did (or didn't do) after high school, and I've recently realized that I'm still doing it now. Sure, I found something I'm passionate about that gives me a sense of meaning, but if I'm not doing or succeeding at that something, I still judge myself---just like I did 4 years ago.
Maybe it will take a lot of time and self-awareness to break this awful habit of mine. Maybe it will take going on a vacation and vowing not to touch my laptop while I'm away. Maybe it will take a lot more internal searching and a lot less external searching (like asking complete strangers to validate me and tell me who I am on Facebook).
Who are you when you're not doing anything? Who are you when no one is watching?
<3 Madison
"Guys, I'm having an identity crisis.
I've been working through a book of exercises for 20-somethings for the past month, and I just finished reading a section about disentangling who you are from what you do. But I've noticed multiple times that when I take away my title as "writer," I literally have no idea who I am or why I matter to the world.
Does anybody else struggle with this? Do you tie the entire meaning of your existence to what you do?
Help."
It's true. Ever since I started writing, I've felt a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I would think, "This is what I am meant to do. This is what makes me important in the world, even if it makes me just a little bit more important than I used to be."
The book I've been reading has really encouraged me to peel back a lot of layers in my life. It has led to a lot of self-discovery, not all of it very comforting. One of my latest realizations is that I have been tying a large chunk of my identity to my job for a long time. When I'm not working or not working on something I enjoy, I feel worthless. When I describe myself, the things I like about myself, and the things I enjoy doing, most of those things have something to do with my ability to create. While this isn't necessarily a terrible thing (because it's good to do something you can feel good and passionate about), it's detrimental to my self-esteem. If I'm not a writer, I don't really know who I am. It's unsettling.
The book I'm referring to (20 Something, 20 Everything) asked the following questions in an exercise about separating who you are from what you do:
1. Do you think a job can make you feel better about yourself? Will it (or does it) validate you?
2. Do you think you must have a career in order to feel successful?
3. Do you feel embarrassed when someone asks you what you do for a living? Are you ashamed of what you do?
4. Do you think people would think more of you if you had a better job?
5. Do you think your life would be better if you had a job you loved?
6. Do you ever feel worthless because you do not think you are doing something important?
I answered "yes" or "sometimes" to every single question. Ever since I got out of high school, I've been driven by the need to do something. When my writing finally started to take off and I started landing gigs here and there, it validated me as a human. And even though I enjoy what I do (most of the time), I still don't feel established enough. I don't make enough money. I don't have enough notoriety in the world of writers. I haven't succeeded at something big or super note-worthy. I'm always wanting more and feeling embarrassed and less than when I don't live up to expectations. Therefore, I tie my identity and self-worth to how much I do.
And despite knowing that this is an unhealthy mentality, I can't seem to break it. No matter how many times I am reminded that I am worthy simply for existing, I just don't feel important unless I'm doing something productive and meaningful.
Sometimes I can't help but ask myself if I've really grown much at all. I tied my sense of self-worth to what I did (or didn't do) after high school, and I've recently realized that I'm still doing it now. Sure, I found something I'm passionate about that gives me a sense of meaning, but if I'm not doing or succeeding at that something, I still judge myself---just like I did 4 years ago.
Maybe it will take a lot of time and self-awareness to break this awful habit of mine. Maybe it will take going on a vacation and vowing not to touch my laptop while I'm away. Maybe it will take a lot more internal searching and a lot less external searching (like asking complete strangers to validate me and tell me who I am on Facebook).
Who are you when you're not doing anything? Who are you when no one is watching?
<3 Madison
Friday, January 17, 2014
Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 9)
~ How many times can you struggle with the same exact thing before you're not socially allowed to struggle with it anymore?
~ Wonderful things will happen if you genuinely believe that wonderful things will happen---and that you deserve those things.
~ Rejection is vary rarely about you.
~ Overanalyzation creates problems that never existed in the first place.
~ Love will come to you. It may not come in the way or the time that you hope or expect, but it will come.
~ Are you following the trends or following your heart?
~ I can't seem to stop tying my sense of self-worth to what I do. No matter how many times people say being is more important than doing, I just don't feel like that's the case in modern society. We seem to only be defined and judged by the things we do. I'm confused.
~ The joy of living your own life and doing your own thing is greater than the discomfort of stepping on a few toes along the way.
~ Being a "grown-up" has more to do with your attitude and level of productivity than your external accomplishments.
~ Replace the word "should" with the word "could."
<3 Madison
~ Wonderful things will happen if you genuinely believe that wonderful things will happen---and that you deserve those things.
~ Rejection is vary rarely about you.
~ Overanalyzation creates problems that never existed in the first place.
~ Love will come to you. It may not come in the way or the time that you hope or expect, but it will come.
~ Are you following the trends or following your heart?
~ I can't seem to stop tying my sense of self-worth to what I do. No matter how many times people say being is more important than doing, I just don't feel like that's the case in modern society. We seem to only be defined and judged by the things we do. I'm confused.
~ The joy of living your own life and doing your own thing is greater than the discomfort of stepping on a few toes along the way.
~ Being a "grown-up" has more to do with your attitude and level of productivity than your external accomplishments.
~ Replace the word "should" with the word "could."
<3 Madison
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
A hopeful new year
Happy New Year, friends. Today is my annual day of feeling both hopeful and dreadful about my life and where it's going. It's a day of what ifs and self-doubt. But it's also a day of gratitude and excitement. I've already gone from feeling cranky to happy to melancholy to gratified, and it's only noon.
Despite my mixed feelings, I try to start each new year on a positive note. I try to hold on to feelings of hope and excitement.
Here are my hopes for you (and myself) this year:
I hope you always remember to remind yourself that you're not alone. Whatever you're going through or feeling right now, I absolutely guaranteed you that somebody somewhere is going through or feeling the exact same thing.
I hope you choose love over and over and over again.
I hope you make and achieve goals because you want to and not because you have someone to impress or something to prove.
I hope you pay attention to your priorities and do your best to nurture them, even though life is busy, demanding and complicated at times.
I hope all your dreams come true.
I hope you work hard to keep your head above the water when all you want to do is allow yourself to drown.
I hope you choose kindness over revenge.
I hope you take care of yourself.
I hope you give yourself a chance.
I hope you realize that trying is success within itself---even if you try and fail.
I hope you learn to differentiate "should" from "want to."
I hope you take each day as it comes and realize that this very moment is the only thing you need to focus on.
<3 Madison
Despite my mixed feelings, I try to start each new year on a positive note. I try to hold on to feelings of hope and excitement.
Here are my hopes for you (and myself) this year:
I hope you always remember to remind yourself that you're not alone. Whatever you're going through or feeling right now, I absolutely guaranteed you that somebody somewhere is going through or feeling the exact same thing.
I hope you choose love over and over and over again.
I hope you make and achieve goals because you want to and not because you have someone to impress or something to prove.
I hope you pay attention to your priorities and do your best to nurture them, even though life is busy, demanding and complicated at times.
I hope all your dreams come true.
I hope you work hard to keep your head above the water when all you want to do is allow yourself to drown.
I hope you choose kindness over revenge.
I hope you take care of yourself.
I hope you give yourself a chance.
I hope you realize that trying is success within itself---even if you try and fail.
I hope you learn to differentiate "should" from "want to."
I hope you take each day as it comes and realize that this very moment is the only thing you need to focus on.
<3 Madison
Friday, December 13, 2013
Thoughts on humanity
My younger brother shared the following Edgar Allen Poe quote with me the other day: "I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."
It's an interesting quote and probably means different things to different people. But for me, it suggests that people who release their inner insanity are possibly the sanest of us all...
I believe we all have insanity inside of us---darkness, emotional complexity, tangled thoughts and feelings, the desire to lash out like a toddler from hell when we're having a bad day, etc. It's not socially acceptable to have a complete meltdown and let every bit of darkness and pain come out of you when you're an adult. For instance, babies are allowed to cry when they're hungry or unhappy about something, right? They scream and cry until their face is red and their little head looks like it's about to explode. But if a grown-up did that, they'd probably just scare the shit out of their pets or be sent to a psychiatric ward.
As we grow older, we suppress and stuff down the very things that make us human beings---anger, grief, confusion, immaturity, vulnerability. We have all this discomfort swimming around inside of us and then think there is something horribly wrong with us for feeling overwhelmed or dejected by it all. Or for having a blowout over something that's not really a big deal...Like when I swore at a piece of dishware the other day because it had food stuck to it that I couldn't clean off...It wasn't about the dishware. My bottled up emotions needed somewhere to go, so they took the first outlet they could find. That's what happens when we constantly suppress, avoid and deny our emotions. We blow up. We get depressed. We go "insane."
We have to give ourselves permission to be human. We have to give ourselves permission to feel and hurt and get pissed off. We have to find healthy outlets for these emotions and avoid discouraging others from exploring their outlets. (I'd rather be friends with someone who writes poetry about killing people than someone who actually kills people.)
Our dark emotions need love and attention too. They need freedom. They need proper nourishment. If we avoid giving them those things, they turn us into something we're not.
So find a healthy outlet for your emotions. Don't let them control or consume you. And remember that going a little insane doesn't mean you're actually insane. It means you're giving your emotions somewhere to go, so they can be free and stop poisoning you.
How do you feel about the societal normalcy of suppressing our emotions? Do you have a healthy or creative outlet for your darker emotions? Do you often judge yourself for feeling pain and bewilderment?
Leave me a comment or shoot me an email, and let me know your thoughts!
<3 Madison
It's an interesting quote and probably means different things to different people. But for me, it suggests that people who release their inner insanity are possibly the sanest of us all...
I believe we all have insanity inside of us---darkness, emotional complexity, tangled thoughts and feelings, the desire to lash out like a toddler from hell when we're having a bad day, etc. It's not socially acceptable to have a complete meltdown and let every bit of darkness and pain come out of you when you're an adult. For instance, babies are allowed to cry when they're hungry or unhappy about something, right? They scream and cry until their face is red and their little head looks like it's about to explode. But if a grown-up did that, they'd probably just scare the shit out of their pets or be sent to a psychiatric ward.
As we grow older, we suppress and stuff down the very things that make us human beings---anger, grief, confusion, immaturity, vulnerability. We have all this discomfort swimming around inside of us and then think there is something horribly wrong with us for feeling overwhelmed or dejected by it all. Or for having a blowout over something that's not really a big deal...Like when I swore at a piece of dishware the other day because it had food stuck to it that I couldn't clean off...It wasn't about the dishware. My bottled up emotions needed somewhere to go, so they took the first outlet they could find. That's what happens when we constantly suppress, avoid and deny our emotions. We blow up. We get depressed. We go "insane."
We have to give ourselves permission to be human. We have to give ourselves permission to feel and hurt and get pissed off. We have to find healthy outlets for these emotions and avoid discouraging others from exploring their outlets. (I'd rather be friends with someone who writes poetry about killing people than someone who actually kills people.)
Our dark emotions need love and attention too. They need freedom. They need proper nourishment. If we avoid giving them those things, they turn us into something we're not.
So find a healthy outlet for your emotions. Don't let them control or consume you. And remember that going a little insane doesn't mean you're actually insane. It means you're giving your emotions somewhere to go, so they can be free and stop poisoning you.
How do you feel about the societal normalcy of suppressing our emotions? Do you have a healthy or creative outlet for your darker emotions? Do you often judge yourself for feeling pain and bewilderment?
Leave me a comment or shoot me an email, and let me know your thoughts!
<3 Madison
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Thoughts on self-love
Lori Deschene, founder of Tiny Buddha, recently released her second book titled Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life. I haven't really given this book a lot of promotion on my blog, and I figured today's topic would give me a good excuse to. Not only am I featured in this book, but it is like a bowl of warm soup on a cold day if you frequently struggle with self-love like I do. I keep it on my nightstand with Lori's other book, and I refer to it when I'm having "one of those days."
I have "one of those days" at least twice every month, if not more. Sometimes my day just gets off on the wrong foot. Sometimes I get struck with jealousy or the need to compare. Sometimes I get really excited about something only to fail at it miserably. Sometimes I get dejected about everything I lack and forget to notice all the wonderful things I have right under my nose. Sometimes I just feel like a total failure.
Unconditional self-love is by far one of the hardest things I've ever tried to achieve. I am going to have days where I feel like I've finally reached that place, and I am going to have days where I want to punch myself in the face...And I might as well, considering the horribly self-depreciating thoughts that are going through my mind.
Imagine if you had a little man handcuffed to your wrist at all times...You would eventually start to hate him a little, regardless of how cute, funny or nice he was, right? Because he is handcuffed to your wrist at all times, and you have to deal with him every moment of every day. I think that's why self-love is so hard. No matter how great we seem to others, we eventually get sick of ourselves because we know everything about ourselves and have to wake up and face that every morning. It can get messy. (The little man analogy is kind of creepy, but I'm trying to make a point. Just go with it.)
I can literally go from wanting to dive off a cliff to feeling super proud of and okay with myself in a span of 24 hours. I never know what's going to set off a fresh bout of self-hatred or when it's going to end. Self-love is one of the most challenging and puzzling topics of all time. It has the smartest of humans and the most established of self-help professionals scratching their heads. Why is it so hard? Why doesn't it last? Why can't we all just reach that place of unconditional self-love once and for all?
Truth is, I don't think anyone ever really does. And maybe that's okay. All we can do is the best we can at any given moment. Sometimes your best is going to be simply picking yourself up off the floor or giving yourself permission to watch 4 hours of Boy Meets World without judging yourself for it.
And if self-love is something you struggle with a lot, the above mentioned book is a must-read. Keep it by your bedside or in your purse (if you carry one), and flip through it the next time you're having "one of those days." You might just come across something you've been dying to hear.
What has your own self-love journey been like? How do you pick yourself up when you're having an awful, self-hatred filled day or week? What does self-love mean to you? Do you have any additional self-love resources to share?
Leave me a comment or shoot me an email, and let me know your thoughts!
<3 Madison
I have "one of those days" at least twice every month, if not more. Sometimes my day just gets off on the wrong foot. Sometimes I get struck with jealousy or the need to compare. Sometimes I get really excited about something only to fail at it miserably. Sometimes I get dejected about everything I lack and forget to notice all the wonderful things I have right under my nose. Sometimes I just feel like a total failure.
Unconditional self-love is by far one of the hardest things I've ever tried to achieve. I am going to have days where I feel like I've finally reached that place, and I am going to have days where I want to punch myself in the face...And I might as well, considering the horribly self-depreciating thoughts that are going through my mind.
Imagine if you had a little man handcuffed to your wrist at all times...You would eventually start to hate him a little, regardless of how cute, funny or nice he was, right? Because he is handcuffed to your wrist at all times, and you have to deal with him every moment of every day. I think that's why self-love is so hard. No matter how great we seem to others, we eventually get sick of ourselves because we know everything about ourselves and have to wake up and face that every morning. It can get messy. (The little man analogy is kind of creepy, but I'm trying to make a point. Just go with it.)
I can literally go from wanting to dive off a cliff to feeling super proud of and okay with myself in a span of 24 hours. I never know what's going to set off a fresh bout of self-hatred or when it's going to end. Self-love is one of the most challenging and puzzling topics of all time. It has the smartest of humans and the most established of self-help professionals scratching their heads. Why is it so hard? Why doesn't it last? Why can't we all just reach that place of unconditional self-love once and for all?
Truth is, I don't think anyone ever really does. And maybe that's okay. All we can do is the best we can at any given moment. Sometimes your best is going to be simply picking yourself up off the floor or giving yourself permission to watch 4 hours of Boy Meets World without judging yourself for it.
And if self-love is something you struggle with a lot, the above mentioned book is a must-read. Keep it by your bedside or in your purse (if you carry one), and flip through it the next time you're having "one of those days." You might just come across something you've been dying to hear.
What has your own self-love journey been like? How do you pick yourself up when you're having an awful, self-hatred filled day or week? What does self-love mean to you? Do you have any additional self-love resources to share?
Leave me a comment or shoot me an email, and let me know your thoughts!
<3 Madison
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Thoughts on change
One of my new favorite humans is Sheryl Paul, international counselor and founder of Conscious Transitions. I wrote a post one time about how I viewed every change as a loss. I then proceeded to write about how viewing change as a loss was a terrible way to view change. While that may be true to a minor extent, following Sheryl's work has made me realize that it is normal and valid to feel a profound sense of loss while experiencing change and transition---because you are losing something. Whether it's comfort, love, security, identity, or peace of mind, we are losing something and figuring out how to embrace something else.
It is especially common to experience fear of and resistance to change as one year comes to a close and another one quickly approaches. We spend time looking back on the past year and thinking about what is to come in the next one. I always go through a quarterlife crisis this time of year. Every year brings new challenges and new changes to face. And I'm embarrassed to admit that all I want to do in the midst of such times is crawl under a table and rock back and forth until it's over.
Popular culture often pushes the notion that change is a good thing and that we should be happy about it and brave enough to face it. And when we resist, we feel as if something is wrong with us for not pushing through our fear and being more positive and enlightened. We think something is wrong with us for feeling terrified, heartbroken or confused.
Change shoves us out of our comfort zones, and while being out of our comfort zone ultimately leads to growth and healing, it's still a scary and sometimes painful place to be. Reminding myself that it's normal to freak out when things change actually makes change a little easier to deal with.
How do you deal with major transitions in your life? Do you view every change as a mini loss and go through stages of grief? Do you ever feel pressured to stuff down your true feelings about change or tell yourself that you "should" be brave or that you "should" be happy?
Leave me a comment or shoot me an email, and let me know your thoughts!
<3 Madison
It is especially common to experience fear of and resistance to change as one year comes to a close and another one quickly approaches. We spend time looking back on the past year and thinking about what is to come in the next one. I always go through a quarterlife crisis this time of year. Every year brings new challenges and new changes to face. And I'm embarrassed to admit that all I want to do in the midst of such times is crawl under a table and rock back and forth until it's over.
Popular culture often pushes the notion that change is a good thing and that we should be happy about it and brave enough to face it. And when we resist, we feel as if something is wrong with us for not pushing through our fear and being more positive and enlightened. We think something is wrong with us for feeling terrified, heartbroken or confused.
Change shoves us out of our comfort zones, and while being out of our comfort zone ultimately leads to growth and healing, it's still a scary and sometimes painful place to be. Reminding myself that it's normal to freak out when things change actually makes change a little easier to deal with.
How do you deal with major transitions in your life? Do you view every change as a mini loss and go through stages of grief? Do you ever feel pressured to stuff down your true feelings about change or tell yourself that you "should" be brave or that you "should" be happy?
Leave me a comment or shoot me an email, and let me know your thoughts!
<3 Madison
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