I haven't really let on to you guys because I have a habit of wanting everything in my life to seem at least adequately "together," but I've been trudging through a rather treacherous rough patch in my professional life lately.
I've been thinking a lot about the long-term, which is something I rarely do. It's okay to live in the moment and take life day by day. In fact, it's pretty essential for me. But I think it's also important to at least consider the long-term repercussions of your big decisions, whether it's choosing a career, a life partner, a house, a new city to live in, etc. And the more I think about the long-term repercussions of my career choice, the more daunted and discouraged I feel. At the rate I'm going and with the extremely unfortunate lack of motivation and experience I have under my belt, I can't help but envision a future of working four jobs I hate while doing my freelance work on the side IF I even feel like it.
I wonder if I've had my head in the clouds this whole time. I knew being a freelance writer wouldn't be impossible, but I didn't think it would SEEM so impossible at times. When I get discouraged, I basically want to hide under my covers and check out from the rest of the world. It's awful. Picking myself up and deciding to keep going every day just doesn't even feel like an option sometimes. I WANT to keep writing, but I'm seriously starting to wonder if writing alone is going to cut it when not having a stable career is no longer acceptable. I've been working another little job on the side, and while it's nice to have more money to play with, it still doesn't give me the financial independence I long for.
It's like I've lost sight of my reasons for wanting to be a writer in the first place, and I can only remind myself of those reasons so many times before they start to sound like an annoying and meaningless broken record. I've worked for free. I've worked for less money than I make at my other job, and my other job is twenty times easier (What's wrong with that picture, my fellow creatives?) I lack the social skills and self-esteem to network and promote myself. I've gotten lazy. I've gotten confused. I've gotten lost. I have epic epiphanies about following my true path and then completely forget which path I'm on two weeks later. I write down goals, intentions, insights, and reasons for continuing to do what I do and then let them all collect dust. It's this constant push/pull, up/down, wonderful/awful process, and I just flat out don't feel good enough to manage it without breaking into hives or crying. What if I'm NOT good enough? What if freelancing isn't for me? What if I have to start all over and rebuild my little work life from the ground up? If I can't be a writer, I don't really want to be anything.
I was honestly going to try my best to end this post on a positive note. I was going to write myself a letter or offer advice to people who were going through the same thing. But now that I have all these unfiltered thoughts out in front of me, contradicting them would feel like forced bullshit. And I don't ever want to feed you guys forced bullshit. I try my best to be inspiring and offer as much hope as I can because it's the number one reason I do what I do, but sometimes I just don't have the answers. I don't expect you to have the answers either.
I'm not going to give up or stop writing, you guys. But I am going to stop thinking that I somehow deserve the success I don't even know how to earn anymore. I am going to try to find myself again because the only way to find yourself is to lose yourself....over and over and over.
<3 Madison
"What if I'm NOT good enough?" I relate to that SO much. I'm a culinary student, doing fantastically at school while I study for this new career... and yet I am constantly terrified that I will not be good enough and that I won't be able to make it in this industry. I got a job running a small kitchen at a youth camp this summer, and thinking about it I flip flop between excitement and terror that I won't be able to do it. Maybe this is just normal? Maybe we're just supposed to feel all awkward and confused at this stage in our lives? I think you do well not to sugarcoat, I like what you post here because it's real and it's true. You'll find yourself and your inner fire again, I know you will :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Cel. You are wonderful. :-) I was really worried about posting this and a small part of me wants to take it down out of fear that future potential employers will read it and think I lack drive and confidence. But I think I will leave it alone because whenever I write what I'm truly feeling, people seem to connect with it more. Unfiltered honesty is a rare thing in the "blogosphere."
DeleteI know I will find my way again too. Sometimes we just need to take a step back. Whenever I get the sense that I'm doing something wrong or inauthentic, it's essential for me to slow down and find what's missing. I know I'm not delusional because I truly feel like writing is my purpose. Nothing else makes sense to me. Maybe I will eventually get somewhere!
Thanks for reading, and you can contact me anytime about your own journey to feeling good enough. :-)
Hey Madison, You rock! It's part of life which everyone has to go through. Nobody teaches about following our dreams as its just presupposed onto us. It's great to know that you are mature enough to think long term on your own rather than society forcing it upon you and which most of us are even scared to think about. You are really brave and I am pretty sure you will be flying by it with undaunted determination.
ReplyDeleteSharath! I've missed you.
DeleteThank you so much. This is incredibly kind and encouraging. :-)
Just being honest, no need to thank. ;)(:
DeleteSo...this. My life circumstances changed last year when my family moved from California to Texas. I no longer have to work in my "safe" profession, and am trying to earn money as an artist. When I'm creating is the only time I actually feel good, versus just "getting by", yet there are times I'm so terrified that my work sucks, that no one likes it, that it's pointless to try, that I, too, become frozen. My lifelong battle with bipolar disorder doesn't help, but that's another thing I usually keep tucked away because I, too, am so preoccupied with appearances. I can't say anything other than to say you are not alone, if I'm understanding you at all.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. I relate to what you said about wondering if it's pointless to even try getting by as an artist. I recently read somewhere that it's good to do what you love, but that you don't always have to do it for a living. It scared me because I knew it was true and really started to wonder if I will ever be able to pull off being a writer for a living or if it will forever be a side gig. I guess only time, hard work, and a hell of a lot of self-belief will tell...
DeleteBut best of luck to you! I know that move must have been tough.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled onto your blog after reading one of your posts on Tiny Buddha, but I feel like we are kindred spirits already. I hope that doesn't sound too presumptuous, but I relate to your situation completely and utterly. Are you by any chance an INFP? You sound like one. I am an INFP, and the daily struggles with reality are excruciating. Oh, I also ramble a good deal. I have a blog of my own where I just spew what I believe to be convoluted nonsense. I'm not here to advertise my blog or anything, I just thought you might relate to some of my posts as well seeing as yours resonated so well with me...oh, I lost my train of thought, what was I trying to say? Right. Writing. I love writing too. It IS my purpose. Like you, deep in my heart, I know nothing will make me happy and more fulfilled that writing. It's just a feeling, a sense of harmony. When I read, when I write, I feel happy. I'm still in school at the moment, so I haven't entered the workplace, but I'm terrified. I've majored in English, which, as you probably know, is hardly the most practical degree to get in this economy. I want to become a freelance writer as well, but the fear of a lack of job security holds me back. My passion is also creative writing, rather than the usual freelance articles and whatnot, so I sometimes feel like I'm destined to become a starving artist. I could just imagine myself joining some hippie, homeless community and spending my days reading and writing in the public library and then shuffling off to the shelters to dream away the terrible nights. But I'm too soft and cowardly to ever truly land myself in such a position. I never grew up with much money, and my parents are still struggling financially; it makes me feel like I should act responsible and help them, you know? Even though it goes against the grain of my soul. Anyway. I haven't figured it out yet, either. And, sometimes, I feel like homelessness would be the better option compared to selling my life to a cubicle stall or some other horrible job which I know I will loathe, especially if it involves a good deal of interpersonal contact (I am an EXTREME introvert). I'm also really sensitive and don't mesh well with people in general, they hurt me without knowing they have; and just being around people puts me on edge and makes me tense, so that barricades a good deal of careers. And then all the careers which are introvert friendly, like accountancy or computer science, I loathe, because they're so hard, cold and technical. I'm babbling, aren't I? I guess I'm just trying to convey my sympathy. I really feel you, I feel like I am you, because we're so similar; and I know that must be weird, considering I don't know you except through mere text. But I do know. It's just a feeling, an immediate kinship. Um. I wish I knew how to end this properly. I guess I just wish people like you existed in my everyday life, so we could go out and pet cats and smell flowers and muse about life and lament our writing woes. Okay. Time-out. Thanks for reading this far. :)
Hi! This is probably one of the greatest comments I've ever gotten. We are kindred spirits indeed. :-)
DeleteI'm not entirely sure if I'm INFP, but I AM an introvert---a living, breathing definition of one.
It's so nice to know I'm not alone in the fears and struggles that come along with wanting to be a writer. I also think homelessness would be better than selling my life to a cubicle. People must think I'm crazy, but like I said in my post, if I can't be a writer, I don't really want to be anything. I'm stupidly stubborn when it comes to wanting what I want. I don't settle for less, and that can be both a good thing and a bad thing---a good thing because it means I'm staying true to what makes me happy, but a bad thing because staying true to what makes me happy could mean living under a bridge or eating Kraft macaroni and cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Haha. You know?
I am also more drawn to creative writing and honest, personal writing. I guess I just haven't found my place in this pool of writers yet. I aimlessly jump from low-paying, boring freelance gig to low-paying, boring freelance gig and then feel bewildered when it doesn't get me anywhere. Not ALL my work is low-paying and boring, but some of it has been. I definitely feel that creative people are underappreciated and have to fight tooth and nail to prove themselves before anyone takes them seriously. It's hard to keep a thick skin.
Thank you again for your comment. I resonated with pretty much every word of it, and I'd be happy to commiserate with you over the no-so-great aspects of being a struggling creative in the future.
I will check out your blog!
<3 Madison
I related to this post so much! I've been working at this job as a graphic designer for about 4 months now, and I struggle almost everyday with not feeling good enough, and thinking everyone around me is doing 100x better or getting far more work done. It's gotten to the point where I'm developing anxiety. Sometimes thinking if graphic design is even the right career choice for me. Creativity is a stubborn thing. It does help to know that I'm not the only one going through these struggles, as I often feel alone and my thoughts get the best of me. I enjoyed reading your blog, and look up to your writing skills, as mine are lacking! haha Keep up the writing.
ReplyDeleteThank you Aidan!
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