HAPPY OFFICIAL EBOOK LAUNCH DAY!

Hello friends!

As most of you may know, I announced the publication of my eBook a little over a month ago. Aside from writing that post, I pretty much didn't tell anyone about it (aside from a few close friends/family members) because I wanted to wait until it was available on a variety of websites---so that everyone could choose which one they wanted to use and not feel guilted into using a single one. So after several weeks of waiting, working, tying up loose ends, and trying my very best to keep my trap shut every time the book popped up on a new website, I am finally ready to announce the OFFICIAL launch! :-) (I didn't need to change my cover after all because it got approved at the last minute. Yay!)

You can now choose between 6 different retailers to buy from:

Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/367420

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/coming-clean-madison-sonnier/1117251751?ean=2940045348904

Apple: https://itunes.apple.com/au/book/coming-clean-short-memoir/id732377084?mt=11

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GR0DA8G

Diesel: http://www.diesel-ebooks.com/item/SW00000367420/Sonnier-Madison-Coming-Clean-A-Short-Memoir-My-Journey-Through-OCD-and-Post-High-School-Depression/1.html

Kobo: https://store.kobobooks.com/en-ww/books/Coming-Clean-Short-Memoir-My/8TFP66Y5LEWNSqkrdWzWpQ?MixID=8TFP66Y5LEWNSqkrdWzWpQ&PageNumber=1

So whether you want to read my eBook on your desktop, Nook, Kindle, iPad, iPhone, or other nifty electronic device, you can purchase and read it comfortably and at your convenience.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me and gotten excited with me throughout this process. You know who you are, and I truly love and appreciate each of you.

If you have not bought my eBook yet, I really hope you decide to. I would love to hear what you think. I hope it inspires you and serves as an always available reminder that you're not alone and that there's always hope---whatever your struggle may be.

Have a wonderful week, and I hope to hear from you soon!

<3 Madison    

Taking small steps and trusting the work of the universe

The other week, I felt so enormously discouraged that I almost considered making a career switch into prostitution. "At least prostitutes make more money than this," I reasoned. If you're a freelancer, you probably understand this frequent train of thought. Or maybe that's just me...

To be honest, I still feel a bit discouraged. But on some days, it's so strong that I feel completely helpless as to what I should do and powerless to do anything at all. I lack long-term vision. I lack substantial income. I lack the self-confidence to tell everyone on the face of the planet how great I am so they will hire me and/or buy my creations. I lack the work ethic to "build a bridge" and then expect myself to make giant leaps and bounds without one. Sometimes I have unrealistic expectations and wonder what is wrong with me for taking so long to get the ball rolling in my chosen field.

But the moral of this downer can be summed up in this simple quote: "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." I think Martin Luther King, Jr. said it. He's a smart man.

I have to remind myself that what I do today matters way more than what I plan to do five or ten years from now. Today is all there is, and I can either use it to make that first step and celebrate little victories, or I can use it to bemoan where I'm going long-term.

You can only take life one day at a time. You can only take your goals and dreams one step at a time. 

And I've noticed that every time I go through a debilitating bout of discouragement, something really good or exciting always happens soon thereafter---something that confirms, yet again, that I am on the right path. It's like the universe slapping me in the face (gently) and saying, "You don't have to sell your body for money and attention. Keep writing."

Every path has its dark alleys and winding roads, but if we keep walking, we will eventually find a water fountain or a pot of gold. Even if it's just a little one to encourage us along.

<3 Madison          

Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 8)

~ You are so much stronger than you think. When you're having the worst day, week or month ever, it's tempting to want to take a bath and never come out or pack up all of your belongings and leave everything you've ever known, but I promise you that whatever you're going through is not the end of the world. If you're like me and can easily go from normal functioning human to complete emotional wreck in the span of about two minutes, remember that everything is temporary. You have to hang in there.

~ Revenge doesn't hurt other people as much as it hurts you.

~ Make sure you're giving adequate attention to everything that's important in your life. Don't lean too far in one direction and not far enough in another. Balance is everything.

~ Other people are not better than you. Other people are just other people. Nothing more, nothing less.

~ When people talk about the benefits of unplugging from technology and truly being with people and enjoying nature, they're not lying. Put your cell phone away, and go play outside with your favorite person. 

~ Anger is pain in disguise.

~ To me, occasional crying is like the occasional car wash. You just need a good cry every now and then. Maybe I'm just weird like that. Whatever.

~ Ask, and you shall receive. Sometimes.

~ Bashing other people on the Internet (or anywhere else) is not a good use of time. And it doesn't make you look cool either.

~ Creativity cannot be forced. Mental breaks are very necessary.

<3 Madison

When you feel perpetually behind in life

"Always focus on how far you've come, rather than how far you have left to go." ~ Unknown

As 2013 comes closer and closer to the end of its rope, I've been reflecting on the past year and figuring out where I want to go and what I want to do in the year to come. I sort of always do that this time of year. I love October through December because of the weather, the fun holidays, and the "slow down and reflect on what really matters" pace of it all, but I'm not a huge fan of the feeling that I somehow fell short and took yet another year for granted---the feeling that I'm running out of time to make the year "truly" count. I don't know. Maybe that's just me.

Sometimes I just feel so behind in life. No matter what I do or accomplish, I always get hit with this sinking feeling that I don't measure up. "I should work harder. I should be a better friend. I should have more friends. I should be a responsible grown-up. I should make more money. I should be more social. I should be more business savvy. I should be more educated. I should go out more often. I should have better work/life balance. I should eat more vegetables and less ice cream. I should seize more opportunities. I should have my shit together by now."

When my confidence gets shaky, I seem to lose sight of everything I stand for and believe in. And I stand for unconditional self-love and believe that everyone measures up in their own way, regardless of where they currently stand in life. It's just not always easy to remind myself of those things when I get stuck in the cruel cycle of my own mind.

So this is what I am going to tell myself and you today:

There will always be an endless stream of reminders from well-meaning sources about how you don't measure up. You can either choose to think other people are better than you, or you can choose to recognize that although every journey is different, we are all on the same journey. The people who seem to have super awesome lives have days where they hate themselves and think other people are better than them. We're all in the same boat here.

There is nothing wrong with you, and until you embrace that truth, you will never make the changes you want to see. You have to want things from a place of self-love and patience---not comparison, pressure and self-judgment. You are perpetually going to screw up and have your flaws yelling in your face. Be okay with that. Love yourself through it all. Because when you do, wonderful shit will happen. You can't make wonderful shit happen when you sit around telling yourself how behind and underdeveloped you are.    

Maybe it's time to focus more on what you've done, rather than on everything you haven't. And for the love of all things, please believe me when I say you've done quite a lot.

<3 Madison

Big news, little eBook

Weeeeeeee!!!!

My eBook is now available for purchase! I'm not quite ready to fully celebrate yet because it is still awaiting official review before it can be distributed to major retailers, but in the meantime, it is available to purchase through smashwords.com. After it's reviewed, a few things could be subject to change (like the cover, which is pictured above), but it will (hopefully) be distributed to various retailers in due time. I will also be publishing it with Amazon's Kindle Direct at some point. 

I initially started writing this memoir in the fall of 2011 after reading a vulnerable, honest and inspiring book that made me want to open up about my own personal struggles. I never thought I'd actually publish it. I just wanted to challenge myself to "go there" and write as openly as my favorite memoir authors. And despite the emotional turmoil involved in "going there," it was an incredible relief to come clean about the things I've struggled with and share what I learned and how I grew from those things. 

But the more my little 17,000-something word memoir collected metaphorical dust in laptop document land, the more I started to wonder if I was doing a disservice to myself and others by allowing it to continue collecting metaphorical dust. About 17 months later, I read back over it and decided I liked it enough to put it out into the world and give it a chance. 

So I doctored it up, wrote and re-wrote a few things, proofread it a few nine times, got some wonderful people to write some wonderful testimonials, proofread it again, doubted it, called myself a self-indulgent fraud who should care more about the people being starved and raped instead of my own stupid stories about OCD and depression, formatted it meticulously, stressed out about acquiring the perfect cover, sought everyone's opinion on the cover, changed the cover, (will probably change the cover again in the future), proofread it one last time, got really nervous about publishing it, got really excited about publishing it, and to make a really freaking long, 2-year story short, it is finally available to feast your eyes upon and judge as you will. 

But before I provide you with a link, I want to provide you with a couple of excerpts. The eBook is divided up into two parts since I wanted to write about two unrelated things. Part 1 is about my struggle with OCD, and part 2 is about my struggle with post-high school depression. 

Excerpt from part 1

"Constant checking is a common symptom of OCD. I would clean my room, walk out, and then walk back in about two seconds later and stand in my doorway to make sure nothing had been disturbed during my two-second absence. Then I would walk out and walk back in again. I touched my bed, my nightstand, and anything else within reach to make sure everything was still intact. Then I would walk back out and turn right back around and walk in again. The third time, I’d usually walk around my room and closely observe everything. If I saw a spec of dust or a piece of fuzz anywhere, I’d dispose of it and then wash my hands afterwards. Sometimes I would even walk into my room randomly throughout the day and just stand in my doorway and stare.

My room wasn’t the only thing I constantly checked. I would often finish a homework assignment and then read it over and over again before feeling comfortable enough to put it away. I would typically read over any piece of work I finished about five to ten times.

I never wore shoes in my room. If I was going somewhere and needed to go back to my room to get something, I would take my shoes off at the door, get what I needed, and then put my shoes back on as I came out. Either that, or I would just crawl into my room on my knees and be careful not to let my shoes touch the ground.

No one’s feet except mine were allowed in my room. If my younger brother Garrison walked into my room, shoes or no shoes, I would order him to get out unless he had clean feet. If he had just gotten out of the shower or something, then it was okay as long as he didn’t touch anything. It got so bad that he eventually would just stop in my doorway and ask for permission before crossing the line onto my carpet."

Excerpt from part 2

“Are you depressed?” She asked me.

Yes, I think I might be. I walk around feeling worthless all the time. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore. You’re the only friend I have left. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, and sometimes I can’t even sleep at all because I have too much on my mind. I feel like I’m constantly being judged, and I feel pathetic. I feel like my life is going nowhere. All I do is sit around wishing I was good enough and wishing I could do something right. I’m not ready to grow up, and everyone on the face of the planet expects me to. I’m not even sure I know how. I’m isolated, insecure, and I feel like shit every second of every day.

“What?” I asked incredulously. I nervously shoved a forkful of hash brown into my mouth and looked out the window. My friend dropped the subject.

Part of me hoped that she would bring it up again—that she would urge me to talk to her and tell her how I was really feeling. I was tired of convincing everyone, including myself, that I was perfectly fine. But she did not bring it up again, so neither did I." 

To purchase my eBook, click here. Yes, I think you need a Smashwords account to buy it, but it's easy and free to join. 

If you love me, you will buy this eBook. Just kidding. I'm not one of those people.

But seriously though...I really am excited about this, and I happy danced for the better part of yesterday afternoon. I would happy dance even more if I actually sold a few copies. Help a sister out? 

And finally, if/when you buy it...

a) Accept my virtual hug.

b) Enjoy it.

c) Email or tweet me and let me know what you thought.

d) Share it!

Thank you endlessly.

<3 Madison     

    

When your stress level is high and your self-esteem is low

I'm having one of those days where I want to sell everything I own and hitch-hike to some faraway place where money and other humans don't exist. Unfortunately, there is no such place.

Amid financial issues, work troubles, an impending eBook release, the pressure to stop being a terrible blogger, personal worries, cabin fever, lack of inspiration, and depreciating self-doubt, I've been feeling a lot of temptation to just take a nice, refreshing leap from a cliff. I suppose it happens to all of us.

Sometimes I need to step back and summon my "inner wise woman" to tell me the things I'm too distracted or stubborn to tell myself. Here is what she has to say:

1. This will pass. It always does.

2. Writing and releasing a memoir is not self-indulgent. It's brave and inspiring, and as long as you know your intention behind writing it, it doesn't matter what anyone else may or may not think.  

3. Keep trying to please yourself, and stop trying so hard to please others.  

4. Stop taking everything so personally.

5. Happiness is a choice. That sentence would've pissed you off about two years ago, but now that you understand how powerfully true it is, remember it the next time you decide to dig yourself in a hole.  
 
6. Stay in touch with the people who love and put up with you. Write "call or text so-and-so" on one of your daily to-do lists if that's what it takes. Being totally alone in the world isn't fun. You would know.  

7. That $5 you spent on the ice cream you just had to have could've gone towards something useful. Like feminine products. (TMI. Whatever.) The unfortunate truth is that you are very poor right now. Start acting like it.

8. Celebrate your little victories. And for God's sake, give yourself a pat on the back every once and awhile. There is nothing wrong with celebrating yourself.  

9. When you don't feel inspired, don't blog. Or your blog posts will suck.

10. October is your favorite month, and it only comes once a year. Enjoy it.

<3 Madison  

Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 7)

~ There comes a time when you have to decide between doing what's right and doing whatever you want, even when you know better. Sometimes you just have to be big enough to do what's right. And doing the right thing won't suck forever.

~ Having a viewpoint that differs from someone else's doesn't make the other person wrong. No need to rant about how wrong they are on social media. Just agree to disagree, and peacefully move on.

~ Sometimes letting someone know that you're there for them and that they're not alone is better than giving advice that they probably won't take anyway.

~ People will still love you when you don't love yourself. And those are the kinds of people you should work really hard to keep in your life.

~ Not having your shit together doesn't mean you're weak and inadequate. It means you're human.

~ It's okay to put yourself first. In fact, sometimes it's mandatory.

~ Break your dreams down into manageable, bite-sized chunks, and they will be easier to achieve.

~ When other people hurt you, remember that it's probably because they're hurting too. That's no excuse for being hurtful, but it's still something to think about.

~ Love is fragile and uncertain. Love anyway.

~ Whatever sucky thing you're going through right now will pass. You have my word.

<3 Madison

p.s. If you are (were) a fan of my blog More to Share, More to Learn, which I worked so hard on and promoted so much (le sigh), you might want to hop on over to my Facebook page and read the announcement I posted the other day.