Choosing your army

I've never been one of those people who has tons of friends and acquaintances. I haven't been in a ton of meaningful relationships, and it still baffles me that it's so hard for me to talk to and reach out to people when I'm not typing words behind a computer screen. Friends and family have come and gone like the weather, love interests have moved on with impressive speed, and meaningful moments of human interaction have turned to dust.

Maintaining relationships is hard, and creating new ones is even harder. 

The redeeming factor of this disheartening fact and seemingly endless struggle in my life is that I don't need a ton of people by my side to be happy. I've discovered that the less friends you have, the easier it is to actually keep up with them.

I only have 25 friends on Facebook. (Yes, I finally joined. Double yes, I regret it at times.) I don't see that number increasing anytime soon, nor do I send friend requests to people I don't know or have no interest in truly connecting with. That's huge for me. It's interesting that the people who have the largest social media followings are the people who tend to feel the most alone.

For the most part, genuine connections and interactions are extremely undervalued these days. For so many years, I've struggled to understand why so few people seemed to accept me or want to spend time with/talk to me, and I've recently decided that a few people is better than none at all. Why obsess over who doesn't like you when you could turn your attention to who does?

I can count my friends on one hand and my acquaintances on about three (not that I have three hands). And I'm okay with that now more than ever. The best part about my little friend group is that each person fulfills me in different ways. They are all unique people who fill unique roles, and maybe that's what finding "your people" and choosing your army is all about. I know who to turn to when I want to laugh, who to turn to when I want to bear my soul, who to turn to when I want to be spontaneous, and who to turn to when I simply want to hang out and do nothing.

Here's what I've learned about finding and keeping your own army of companions:

1. If you have to work for their affection, they are not your friend. 

This is so important that I want to annoyingly say it again in all caps. IF YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR THEIR AFFECTION, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND. In middle school (some of the worst years of my entire life), I spent more energy focusing on how to impress people than I did on my math homework. I manipulated my brain into thinking that people who didn't like me at all were my friends. I cringe just thinking about it. It took me until the end of 8th grade to find a group of people who seemed to genuinely enjoy my company. Although it's nice and perfectly normal to want to impress your friends to some extent, it's even nicer to know for a fact that they like you just as you are. You will never have to question how your real friends feel about you.

2. Having things in common is wonderful, but differences keep things interesting. 

Some of the closest friends I've had in my life have been like my polar opposites, yet we've still gotten along great. So many people stress the importance of finding common interests, but too many common interests can get old really fast. I love being introduced to new things and new ways of thinking. I like to be challenged from time to time or have silly debates over whether or not reading books is better than playing video games. I like the sense of being changed in a good, healthy way by someone who has something to teach me.

3. Relationships take time and patience. 

As nice as it would be for a friendship or relationship to effortlessly blossom on day one, it rarely happens. It takes time to warm up to and get to know people. It takes time for someone to become a worthy and integral part of your life. It takes time for relationships to evolve into what they are meant to become. I often get impatient with the process of getting as close to someone as I'd like to be, but rushing things never works. I've been on both ends of that spectrum. That said, it shouldn't take forever to form a real connection with someone. If that's the case, there is resistance coming either from you or the other person. Find people who love you as much as you love them. They are out there somewhere.    

4. Everyone you love is going to hurt you at some point, whether it's on a small scale or a large scale. Deciding whether or not to keep them in your life depends on the ratio of pain and happiness.  

Getting close to someone opens the risk of being let down by them. And if you're a part of someone's life long enough, they will eventually disappoint you. Does this mean you should run for the hills? Hell no. Deciding who is worth keeping in your life comes down to how they make you feel in the grand scheme of things. Do they drain you and constantly put you down, or do they fill you with joy and make you a better person? Love and friendship means you are willing to forgive the bad and only look for the good. It means knowing the difference between what matters and what doesn't.

Now go forth, and assemble your army! Because I can't even describe how wonderful it feels to finally have mine.

<3 Madison         

Facing my fear + answering your questions

Well, here I am, guys...In all my awkward, imperfect, unedited glory.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to submit a question! Thank you for caring, encouraging me, and being excited about something that I wasn't too excited about myself. And if you still like me or like me even more after watching this, I profusely thank you for that as well.

Overall, I'm really glad I did this. It will give you all an opportunity to see the real me, help you get a feel for my personality outside the blogosphere, and hopefully inspire you to face your own fears...even if your voice shakes or you blink your eyes too much.

As an added bonus, here are 10 self-deprecating thoughts I had while watching this video. I won't be offended if they match your own.

1. That rapid blinking though.

2. I really do sound like I'm about to cry. I'm glad I pointed out that I'm not.

3. I should've brushed my eyebrows before I filmed this.

4. I wish "um" was a more intelligent sounding word.

5. This is painful to watch, but at least I have a few semi-charming moments here and there.

6. "I don't know if this is backwards or not." Seriously? It's a webcam, not a mirror. Ugh.

7. Arrgghhh! I forgot to say the name of the guy who asked the funny question about braces. THANK YOU, ERIC. I'M SORRY I FORGOT TO SAY YOUR NAMEEE.

8. DAMN IT. I also forgot to say the name of the guy who asked question #11. Sorry, Grant!!!

9. That junk food analogy wasn't bad. High-five to myself.

10. YAY, IT'S OVER.

Thank you. I love you. Please stick around.

<3 Madison  

I will face a fear if you send me your questions!

Hello friends!

This year got off to a good start in regards to getting out of my bubble more often. I faced difficult truths in my life and dared to start over. I made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I danced at my brother's wedding. I survived a long string of bad news. I created opportunities instead of waiting for them to show up on my doorstep. I changed my hair. I started writing a book. I stopped taking everything so personally and learned how to lighten up more. I embraced human contact instead of avoiding it. 

But I've noticed myself retreating again lately. My anxiety levels are higher than I'd like for them to be, and if I'm not careful, my discouragement levels quickly follow. It's ridiculous how easy it is to fall back to a part of yourself you thought you didn't recognize anymore. I don't want to recognize the part of myself that is paranoid, isolated, astronomically anxious, and overly sensitive. That's not who I really am.  

So I want to do a simple little something about this, but I need your help! 

I've always loved watching videos of my favorite bloggers (because I love seeing the person behind the screen), but I've always been too terrified to post one of myself. I can't even tell you how many times I've considered and obliterated the idea. Maybe finally making a video of myself will help me take a huge step out of my comfort zone and (hopefully) show me that it's not so scary out there. 

And if you guys enjoy my blog and are anything like me, I'm sure you'd love to see me in person, hear the voice behind the blog, and marvel at how unforgivably awkward I am in real life! Right?! (No pressure there.) And it would also be good for me because I would be facing a massive fear while also connecting with you all on a new level. It would be like removing a mask after years of feeling safe behind it. 

So here's the deal: If I get AT LEAST 10 questions from 10 different people (no cheating), I will answer your questions on video and post the entire unedited monstrosity right here on my blog for everyone to see. You are more than welcome to submit more than one question, but I want to hear from at least 10 different people so I can rest assured that I won't be practically talking to myself. Ya feel me?  

If I end up getting a surprising amount of questions or receive questions I do not feel comfortable answering publicly, some of them may get cut. Otherwise, I will be happy to answer any questions you have...And don't feel confined to asking me questions about writing or personal growth! You are also welcome to ask me basic or random questions like what my favorite color is or if I've ever punched anyone in the face. (Spoiler alert: Blue and almost.) 

If YOU would like to help me face my fear of public humiliation, please post your questions in the comment section of this post or email them to MadisonSonnier[AT]gmail[DOT]com. The deadline for question submission is August 5, 2015. If I receive my minimum of 10 questions (from 10 different people) by then, I will make the video and post it sometime within the week following the deadline. 

And if you never see the video or hear another word about it, you can safely assume that I didn't receive my minimum number of questions. I will not make this video if no one is interested. I REFUSE, I TELL YOU.  

Sound like a plan? Then ask away!

<3 Madison  

Where I've been

Hello friends.

I don't need to tell you that I've been MIA lately because you can clearly see that for yourself. This is the first time I've gone more than a month without blogging, and that has me a little worried about my sense of direction and the little readership I've built up over the last few years. I don't want to disappoint you or myself.

I don't really have anything specific to share, but I wanted to pop in and let you all know that I'm still alive and hopefully offer a bit of insight as to why it's been so quiet over here in my corner of the Internet.

~ Some recent events in my personal life have left me unable to properly verbalize my thoughts and feelings --- out of respect for my family's privacy (including my own) and an inability to process those things myself, much less try to write anything about them. I've found it difficult to focus on blogging the way I generally know how, and every post idea that crossed my mind was quickly squashed. As I said once before, I won't write a shitty blog post for the sake of posting something new. I'd rather just stay quiet.

~ I've had a good deal of writing work keeping me modestly busy lately. (Yay!)

~ I'm trying to read as much as I write. Book recommendations are welcome and appreciated.

~ One of the reasons I started this blog back in 2011 was because I felt lonely and depressed. I thrived on the little online community I created and had more friends on the Internet than I had in real life. But my face-to-face relationships have been growing recently, and that has proven to be more meaningful to me than the words I've exchanged with strangers through a computer screen. That is in no way an insult towards the wonderful people I've come to know through this blog. I will always want to talk to you guys. But when I need a shoulder to cry on, I should reach for a real person --- not an electronic device.  

~ I'm working on a new book, and I never announce stuff like that unless I believe I'm creating something that could actually take off. I hope to have more news throughout the rest of the year and maybe start an official website for updates on my writing life in general, but I just feel compelled to note that I've been very dedicated to this project in recent weeks. It has been a vital source of creative therapy for me, and I work on it every day.

~ I need to live my life and solve my problems before I can help you live and solve yours.

I thank you for sticking around, and I'm sorry if I've been failing to do the same. Feel free to email me if you want to talk or hear a little more about what I'm working on.

<3 Madison

Moments

I feel perpetually overwhelmed by moments and how quickly they come and go, almost as if they never happened at all. I live a relatively unextraordinary life. I wake up, I climb out of bed, I get dressed, I pour myself a glass of water, I check my email, I check the weather, I try to be productive, I try to be present, and I try to be and do enough.

But every now and then, I am lucky enough to experience moments that exceed the ordinary and mundane. For me, those moments are everything. While they're happening, I'm on top of the world and nothing can hurt me. When they end, it feels like falling off a cliff and fading into oblivion in a matter of seconds.  

I experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. An encouraging compliment is enough to make my day while a glance of judgment or disapproval is enough to ruin it. If my emotions aren't shooting from 0 to 100, they're in a coma. Special moments sustain me and prevent my ability to feel from failing me entirely. I thrive off these moments. I live for them. And yet they never fail to depress me even more because they always have to end.

But the worst part isn't that the moments end. It's the ghosts they leave behind. The empty seat that was once filled by someone you love. The quiet house that was once full of noise and life. The frail body that was once held by comforting arms. The rainy sky that was once filled by sunshine and blue. The dry throat that was once filled with laughter and champagne. The favorite pair of shoes or jeans that don't fit anymore. The back of a book that once had a beginning and a story yet to be discovered. The full casket that radiates nothing but emptiness. The retelling of a moment like it happened yesterday only to be met with deafening silence and tragic forgetfulness by the person you shared the moment with. The beautiful and innocent yesterdays being measured against the scary and uncertain tomorrows.

We must constantly seek out and create new moments. We must forget the people who forget us and let go of the things that don't want to be held. We must remember to take more pictures, pay more attention to each other, put our phones away more often, and say the things we want to say before it's too late.

We must find new moments and constantly look for reasons to look ahead instead of over our shoulders. Because as much as I love it back there, I will never see where I'm going if I don't turn around.    

<3 Madison 

Freedom of expression

I'm not a big fan of "rules" when it comes to life, love and art.

You don't have to go to college. You don't have to get a "real job." You don't have to get married, have children, or buy a house. You don't have to love someone with the same age, religion, sex or ethnicity as you. And you don't have to sacrifice the authenticity and value of your art to please someone who doesn't understand the importance of self-expression.

That last one is huge. And it's the one I want to focus on today.

I think a lot of people don't truly respect and appreciate art—or the people who have the guts to create and share it with the world in the first place. And although that shouldn't bother me because no one should give a shit what anyone else thinks about their art, it still bothers me. It's something I really want to address to all the raw, brave and creative souls of the world. These people are my friends, my family, my brothers, my sisters, and my soul mates. I am very protective of them, and I want them to succeed just as badly as I want to succeed myself. 

It bothers me when children are told that their drawings and pieces of artwork are stupid or wrong because they colored outside the lines or painted their dog pink instead of brown.

It bothers me when young dancers are taught to focus more on stamina, poise and perfection than freedom, emotion and humanity.

It bothers me when writers are told to keep their work squeaky clean and not include sex, profanity, or weighty issues that every single one of us has to deal with at some point in our lives.

It bothers me when actors are criticized for acting out realistic events, regardless of whether they play the good guy or the bad guy. Playing a rapist doesn't mean you advocate rape. If anything, it raises awareness about it. 

It bothers me when singers are taught to focus more on pitch and vocal range instead of telling the stories behind their songs with real emotion and conviction.

It bothers me when an artist of any kind feels deterred from creating the kind of work that feels right to them just because their peers or family members decide to be judgmental and critical instead of understanding and supportive.

Art is not always going to be pretty, clean and shiny. In my opinion, the best art is anything but. I like songs that make me cry. I like movies that unsettle me. I like books that make me cry and unsettle me. I want people to swear because swearing means you feel strongly about something and aren't afraid to emphasize it. I want people to be selfish and make mistakes and hurt others and themselves because we all do those things. I like weird stuff. I like deep stuff. I like disturbing stuff. I like messy stuff. If you're willing to travel into the weird, deep, disturbing and messy parts of yourself and turn all of it into art that can heal, entertain and inspire others, you have a wonderful and irreplaceable gift. And I will never chastise you for it.

My hope for you is that you will try to ignore unsolicited, hypercritical, or passive aggressive remarks about your art form, whatever it may be. By choosing to please others instead of yourself and allow the emptiness that comes with that to widen and fester, you are doing a massive disservice to yourself and to the people who will buy your books, albums, movies and photographs someday—the people who will cherish them, wear them out, and salvage them in the event of a fire.

You have something to say, so you must say it fearlessly.

And maybe, just maybe, one person will stand out from the crowd and say, "I couldn't have said it better myself."   

<3 Madison  

Fear and limitations

This blog title sounds like something that would usually either scare or bore me away. There are countless books and articles about fear and how to conquer it, but none of that will truly resonate with you until you conquer your fear on your own. It's kind of like reading about a hair care method with rave reviews and thinking to yourself, "Wow, that sounds pretty revolutionary...I think I'll try it." And then not trying it. You will never know how revolutionary something can be for you if you ultimately fail to give it a try.

So maybe I'm wasting my time writing about fear and limitations. (And maybe there are very few of you out there who are still willing to read along or listen to me anyway, considering my serious abandonment of this blog lately.) But I'm not here to lecture or preach about things you've already heard a million times. I'm simply here to share my own unique experiences and hope that maybe, just maybe you can take something positive away from them.

I realized an unfortunate, yet empowering truth the other day: Fear never goes away. There is no cure. When you face one fear, there are a million more ahead of you. No one ever becomes completely immune to it. This realization was quite distressing until I realized another truth: One the other side of fear, there is growth.

I know, I know. It's been said a million times, but like I said above, you can't grasp the truth of something until you try it for yourself. I've been doing a lot of scary things lately---things I never thought I could do and things I didn't know I had in me. And I'm still alive. I am also still distressed by the fact that so much fear and newness still lies ahead of me (especially this year), but I know that I will only get closer to who I really am by walking directly towards it and not letting it paralyze me anymore. I've been more or less paralyzed for 5 years, and fear is beating my legs with a baseball bat and teaching me to walk at the same time.

I have no idea what I'm doing, and I know that there are certain things that will take a lot of time and courage, but I feel like I'm slowly learning about what I'm capable of and who I can be. And all of it lies behind that giant wall of fear.

So that's my two cents for today. Sorry I haven't contributed in awhile.

I also want to leave you with this: It's okay to seek help in dealing with your own fears. A lot of the time, we simply cannot do it on our own. We need counselors, teachers, friends and colleagues. Seeking help does not make you weak. It does not make you weak. 

Additional reading that I can relate to right now:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/learning-is-a-series-of-steps-7-tips-to-master-a-new-skill/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/we-have-to-let-go-of-who-we-are-to-discover-who-we-can-become/

https://www.lifelessbullshit.com/do-whatever-you-fucking-want/

http://blog.lovegrowsdesign.com/2015/01/looking-back-looking-forward/

<3 Madison