What popular culture doesn't tell you (A musing on life, love, success and humanity)

Every now and then I find myself reminiscing about all the beliefs I used to hold about life and society and challenging some of the ones I still have.

I took a personal survey one time that asked me what I would say if I could get one message out to a large group of people. Aside from "be nice to each other," I would pretty much say something like this:

On life: You are going to die. I know that sounds morbid and horrible, but it is the absolute truth of human existence. We are all going to die. You know what that means? It means that the zit on your face, your annoying co-worker, your bad hair day, your slow Internet connection, the opinion of someone who's name you won't even remember in six months, the hole in your favorite pair of jeans, and the fact that your favorite celebrity is (OMG) in the news for yet another scandal does not mean shit. None of it matters. Be happy, love people, and do whatever you want to do with your own life. No one else can live it for you or make your decisions.

And those feelings you're feeling and those super hard/seemingly uphill battles you're fighting? They're normal. Growing up and facing new challenges is going to suck, and you may not even know where to begin when it comes to that nightmarish road to adulthood. Give it permission to suck. Give yourself permission to be hopelessly confused. You do not need to have your entire life mapped out or even the next month of your life mapped out the second you step out of high school or college. In fact, if you choose to sit around doing "nothing of particular importance" every day for a year afterwards, it's okay. I'd rather do nothing of particular importance than throw myself at the first career opportunity that comes my way because people say I'm supposed to.

Take your time. Live your life. Feel your feelings. And stop following "the rules," because guess what? They don't exist. They're an illusion.      

On love: Love is the only thing that truly matters. Not just romantic love, but the kind of love you feel when your grandmother hugs you, when your puppy wants to play, when you hold your child for the first time, when you share a laugh with someone, when you're engaging in an activity that fills you up with passion and excitement, or when a total stranger performs a random act of kindness on you. Love, in all its different forms, is beautiful.

Also, love whoever you want. Your heart is no one's business but yours. If someone else can't feel what you feel in your heart, they have no right to tell you who to love.

Also, it's okay to be single. It's more than okay to be single. The purpose of life isn't marriage or finding "the one." It upsets me when people think they're supposed to be in a relationship. Your relationship status and/or sex life is nobody's f****** business. And I would totally support the desire to actually SAY that to the next person who gives you flack about "still being single." Yes, you can swear if you want. And if you DO want to find love, but haven't yet---be patient and stay open. It might just come when you least expect it.    

On success: Money does not equal success. Status does not equal success. You wanna know what DOES equal success? Happiness. If you love what you are doing and wake up every morning feeling excited about new ideas and possibilities, then you are successful. It doesn't matter how much money you make or how many accomplishments you have under your belt. Doing something that puts a smile on your face is MY definition of success.    

On humanity: You are not perfect. The concept of trying to have it all together is extremely overrated. If you want to go to the grocery store in your Mickey Mouse pajamas, go for it. If you accidentally burp at the dinner table, the universe will not disown you. If you lose your temper, it doesn't mean you're a terrible person. If you have days where you hate yourself, doubt yourself, and conclude that you deserve zero of the good things in your life, it means you're a human being who feels and struggles just like everyone else.

You're not always going to have it all together. You're going to have days where you make mistakes and do things you're not proud of. You're going to hurt, regret, doubt, fear and lose. But the world will always keep spinning.

Do your best. Say you're sorry. Choose goodness. Mess up over and over and over again. Keep going. Take care of yourself. Take care of others. Cry. Complain. Take risks. Be who you are. Do what you want. And embrace your imperfect humanity.

<3 Madison      

Remembering the good

I think everyone has days where they question the good things in their life when the good things aren't going as great as usual.

Maybe you had an upsetting spat with your amazing and supportive significant other.

Maybe the pressure accompanied with your dream job is wearing you down.

Maybe your new baby is driving you insane, and you haven’t adequately slept in weeks.

Maybe your best friend forgot your birthday.

Maybe the renovation to-do list for the adorable little house you just bought seems exhausting and never-ending.

Your brain has a tricky way of making you question things.

“Does my significant other truly love and support me?”

“Do I really want this job? Maybe I should quit...”  

“I was crazy to think I was ready for this new baby. I don’t know how to be a good parent. I’m a failure.”

“Looks like my best friend isn't such a good friend after all. I clearly need better people in my life.”

“I've been working on this new house more than I've been enjoying it. Maybe I should just go back to my previous living arrangements, and leave this to-do list with someone who has more time, energy and enthusiasm." 

So should you really conclude that your significant other doesn't love you, quit your dream job, assume you’re a horrible parent, send your best friend to the corner of shame, or leave your new house behind and go back to your previous living arrangements? Nope. It means you soldier on and remember that you have a good thing in your life even when it sucks sometimes.   

We can’t always expect the good things to be totally good. Realizing this has been sort of life-changing for me. My brain likes to jump to conclusions and try to convince me to run screaming when something doesn't go my way. I used to listen to my brain a lot, and I still do sometimes. But if I were to listen to everything my brain told me, I’d be unhappy and miserable for giving up so many good things just because they weren't good 100% of the time. Every day is a challenge to listen to my heart and my gut instead. Every day is a challenge to peacefully settle into the knowing that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.   

I have a lot of good things in my life right now. I have been so full of happiness, passion, love, creativity and inspiration. I’m excited about where my journey is leading. But along with all that happiness, passion, love, creativity, inspiration and excitement, there have been moments of discouragement, doubt, melancholy, fear and uncertainty.

But am I going to question and/or forget about all the good stuff during those moments? Not this time. And you shouldn't either.

<3 Madison      

Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 3)

~ Things are never really as bad as they seem. When something seemingly stressful or bad happens, it's normal to immediately go into survival or "woe is me" mode. But here's what you need to remember in times like these: You will live, the feelings will pass, some blessings are in disguise, and feeling strongly about something doesn't make you pathetic or weak.

~ You will adapt to change. It may take a few days. It may take a few weeks. It may take a few months. But you will adapt. Give yourself the time to do that.

~ I saw a quote on Pinterest last week (I see a lot of great quotes on Pinterest) that said, "Opportunity is missed by people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." I would like to confess that for a huge majority of my life, I expected that real opportunities were the ones that magically fell into your lap like a giant cosmic sign from the universe---no hard work, no resistance. Just magical blessings to be called "fate" or "destiny." But as I grow up, I'm starting to realize that opportunities aren't always going to fall into your lap, and they aren't always going to be magical---at least not at first. You have to do the work. You have to show up every day. You have to keep working at something and believing in something even when it seems so hard and so overwhelming that you want to crawl under a table. It won't seem hard and overwhelming forever. Someday it will all pay off. Someday it will all make sense. But as long as opportunities aren't coming to you, you have to go to them.

~ It's okay to be yourself. I know that sounds horribly overused and meaningless at this point, but really think about what it means for a second. In what areas of your life are you thinking, "I should want, do, or be _____."? Maybe you think you should want a car. Maybe you think you should do yoga. Maybe you think you should be more outgoing or social. If you don't want a car, don't get a car. If you hate yoga, don't do yoga. If you're quiet and solitary, don't pretend to be outgoing and social. BE YOU.

~ You are not the thoughts your mind makes up. Your mind can be extremely convincing. You should really stop listening to it. Some people say to follow your heart, but take your head with you. While I agree with that to a meager extent, I really don't like listening to my head sometimes. I think I should leave it behind more often and just follow my heart instead.

~ People care about/notice way less than you think they do. Just because you constantly amplify your own flaws doesn't mean that everybody else is doing it too.

~ Power naps are great. Giving yourself permission to take breaks is also great.

~ Don't give up before you've even started.

~ Never make a final decision about something on the same day the idea is planted in your mind. Always sleep on it for a night or two. If you still can't push the idea out of your mind, then you can make a decision. We live in a society where the concept of diving off a cliff without prior contemplation is way too glamorized. And the concept of reflection is way too underrated. So reflect before you dive.

~ Don't forget to love people.

<3 Madison

p.s. Happy March!!! :-)      

Favorite Quote Friday (Time)

“It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.” ~ Margaret Bonnano

I don’t generally like to look at the long haul or obsess over what my life will be like five, ten, twenty years from now. Because today is all that exists. I take my life one day and one heartbeat at a time. Thinking too far ahead or trying to picture where I’ll be in the future feels strange and wrong to me. And things never really turn out exactly the way we expect them to anyway.  

So I don’t see the point in thinking too much about the future when we have today sitting before us on a silver platter. You know what I mean? Why go for the doughnut sitting all the way across the room when you can just eat the one you have in your hand? 

Time flies because we waste our doughnuts. We’re always trying to get our hands on another one or figure out how to obtain more more more instead of just enjoying the one we have.

Okay, enough about doughnuts. What I’m saying is that time seems wasted because no one seems to make the most of it. Time is going to fly no matter what you do, but you can choose to look at each day as a fresh beginning and recognize the blessings and opportunities you have sitting right in front of you. And then when you look back on all that time that has flown by, you’ll look back on it with a bittersweet smile on your heart instead of with remorse or regret. 

Don’t overlook the simple things that bring you joy and excitement on a day to day basis.

Like waking up next to the love of your life.

Or smelling freshly brewed coffee.

Or being surrounded by nature (or pretty tall buildings if you’re a city dweller).

Or getting a compliment from someone you admire.

Or hearing wonderful news.

Or laughing from the core of your being.

Or hearing someone you love laugh from the core of their being.  

Or being healthy.

Or being intelligent.

Or being capable.  

Or crossing something off your goal sheet.

Or adding something new to your goal sheet.

Or having an epiphany that immediately puts your arse in gear.

Or trying something new and fun for the first time.

Or reading a good book whilst enjoying a bowl of your favorite ice cream.

Or being greeted by unconditionally loving pets as soon as you walk through the door. 

Or slipping between warm, comfortable sheets after a long day.

Time is fragile. We seem to have so much of it, yet we have so little. This can be an upsetting and overwhelming thought if we sit in one place and think about it too much or dwell on all the time we feel we've wasted. But obsessing over the past is just as bad as obsessing over the future.

Instead, look around you. What can you appreciate today? What can you do right now?

I hope you live happily ever after today. 

<3 Madison

I hope you guys enjoyed this little blog series! Thanks for reading. :-) 

Taking time to waste time

I think it's mandatory to step back and just do nothing on a regular (or at least semi-regular) basis. As we speak, I am sitting here eating a bowl of chips, making a list of new songs I want to put on my iPod, and reading Tiny Buddha. (But not all at the same time.) And as I sit here munching on chips and listing songs and reading (and blogging), I am using quite a bit of willpower to NOT send in a finished article/check my email in order to avoid the risk of potentially getting sucked into a new pile of work. Right now, you're probably either thinking, "What a lazy, irresponsible slug" or "Good for you!" I've admittedly thought both of those things within the past fifteen minutes.

I mentally argue with myself a lot. It's like there are two different Madisons inside my head trying to influence me at all times. One of the Madisons is nice and rational. The other one is kind of mean and peer pressure-y.

The most recent internal conversation between the two Madisons went something like this:

Madison 1: Stop being so unproductive! Send in your new article. It's finished and ready to go. You have no excuse to stuff your face with chips and read blog posts and make a list of songs. If you open your email to find new assignments, deal with it. Welcome to the real world.

Madison 2: Who cares if you take a little time to yourself? You've been working your @$$ off. Give yourself a break. You've earned one.

And I think I've decided to listen to the second Madison today, which is actually kind of rare. I have been working pretty hard this past week---harder than I normally do. I miss my "me" time. I miss remembering what it's like to not be too busy or stressed out. I miss making it a priority in my life to just "be" every once in awhile.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm not suggesting that we all drop our responsibilities or whatever. I'm just saying that it's good to honor your need for "me" time. It's good to give yourself permission to do nothing of particular importance. I promise you the world will not come crashing to an end if you're not busy.

I will check my email tomorrow.

I hope you all have a wonderful week. xx

<3 Madison

 

Favorite Quote Friday (Perspective)

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

My general personal perspective has gone from blurry to stubborn to open-minded over the past few years.

By my general personal perspective, I mean my individual views on life, society and other people.

Let’s explore each phase and how I ultimately reached a state of open-mindedness.

My blurry perspective phase: This could also be referred to as my “narrow” perspective phase. I used to think life was a straight line and that there was only one way to live it. I believed that you had to be really lucky, special, rich, attractive, confident and likable to go any other way. I didn’t believe in following big dreams or exploring nontraditional paths. I was raised around the belief that life should go as follows in this exact order: Go to school (Elementary school, middle school and high school) – Get a minimum wage job and driver’s license at 16 – Immediately proceed to college after graduating from high school at 18 – Land a traditional desk job/career – Buy a fancy apartment or house – Get married – Have children – Work, work, work, pay bills, pay bills, pay bills – Get old and retire – Die.

It looked something like that. I literally thought this was how life was supposed to work. At sixteen, I needed my license and a minimum wage job. After high school, I needed to go to college and major in something that didn’t interest me at all. After college, I needed to buy a fancy apartment or house and start my uninteresting career. And so on and so forth…

Welp, none of that happened when it was “supposed” to. At the time, this sent me into a spiraling panic of “Oh no! It’s not supposed to be this way! I’m not living my life the same way as everyone else! I’m a failure!!!!”

Looking back, this was a blessing in disguise that saved me from wandering down the wrong path. But at the time, it seemed like a tragedy.

Basically, I thought there were “rules” in life and that I wasn’t following those rules. That’s why I call this perspective the blurry perspective. I didn’t think for myself. I didn’t follow my heart. I just blindly and mindlessly went along with what the rest of society seemed to be doing and put all of my precious time and energy into trying to please others. Yuck.

Okay, let’s move on to the next phase…

My stubborn perspective phase: Once I epically realized that life doesn’t come with a rulebook and that I could do “whatever the hell I wanted,” I got kind of prideful and obnoxious about it. “Screw college! Screw real jobs! This is my life, and I am going to do with it what I will!”

I distanced myself from friends who attended college or had real jobs because I thought they wouldn’t possibly understand my nontraditional life decisions. Whenever someone raised an eyebrow after I told them what I was planning on doing with my life, I would immediately label them as judgmental or narrow-minded. 

“I don’t need these narrow-minded people in my life,” I declared to myself. I basically chose to only surround myself with people who were pursuing similar paths as mine. Underneath all this “rebellion” and prideful preaching about breaking away from the rest of the crowd, there was deep insecurity and damaging individualism.

I began to isolate myself. I avoided family gatherings for fear of being judged as the “black sheep” of the bunch. I avoided talking about my dreams and life plans with others. Whenever someone asked me what I was up to, I deflected the conversation as best I could. I concluded that nobody understood me and my dreams and that I was better off being a recluse. So I became one.

As much as I hate to admit it, I sort of looked down on people who seemed to follow the traditional timeline of life. I assumed they were miserable and weak. I was the one being judgmental, not them.

I just basically got really stubborn and conclusive about my views on life. Whenever someone challenged me or seemed to disagree with me or did things differently than I did, I’d turn my nose up at them or cut them out of my life altogether.

My way or the highway. If you wanted to be in my life, you had to think just like me.

And now the final phase…

My open-minded perspective phase: Although I occasionally still struggle with my blurry perspective phase and my stubborn perspective phase, I think I’ve generally reached a place of open-mindedness by now. I’m more consciously aware of how I choose to perceive certain people and situations.

It’s amazing how much your world can open up and improve when you adopt an open mind and a positive perspective. Everything changes. It really is all about perspective. You find what you look for/focus on.

For example, if you assume that every human who doesn’t do things the way you do is judgmental of you, then every human who doesn’t do things the way you do will seem judgmental of you.

If you assume that the whole world has gone crazy or that everyone is violent or that nobody can be trusted, then only the violent or negative headlines will pop out at you when you look at the Yahoo trending topics or read the newspaper and such. And every person you come into contact with will seem untrustworthy on some level.

My point is that having an open mind has made my life and relationships a whole lot brighter. I no longer marinate in unhealthy thought patterns or assume that my family and friends are super critical of me. I no longer assume that everyone is out to get me. I no longer assume that every human I come into contact with is going to hurt or judge me.

And I no longer believe that life is a straight line or that my way is the best way.

I’m no better than the next person, just like the next person is no better than me. What other people do and think is none of my business. I’ll live my life, and they can live theirs. I have my opinions, they have their opinions. I have my way, they have their way.

It’s fine. If people do or think differently than I do or think, we can still be friends.

Speaking of which, my relationships with family and friends have since improved. I no longer exclude them. I see them as loving, warm people with good intentions, therefore they appear that way. (We get what we look for, remember?)

My general personal perspective is no longer blurry, stiff, narrow or conclusive. It’s open and accepting---towards life, society, other people, etc.

I am totally entitled to my individual views, opinions and life choices. And so is everyone else.

<3 Madison 

14 ways I will love myself today

Happy love day, friends! Whether you have a special someone in your life or not, I think today is a good day to reflect on how well you've been loving and treating yourself lately.

If you're a frequent reader of mine, you probably know that I sometimes go through brief intervals of hating myself. I've actually gone through a couple this week, including earlier this morning.

It all started when I accused myself of ruining V-Day over something really stupid. Then I beat myself up for accusing myself of ruining V-Day over something really stupid. Then I beat myself up for beating myself up for accusing myself of ruining V-Day over something really stupid.

When I caught myself in this pointless little self-hatred cycle, I almost had to laugh. I'm always mean to myself on the most inconvenient of days.

So today, I want to share 14 ways I will love myself today. (14 ways on the 14th of February...See what I did there?)

Take a look:

1. I will fill my mind with positive, loving thoughts.

2. I will let other people love me.

3. I will smile.

4. I will give myself permission to indulge in candy and red velvet cupcakes.

5. I will listen to my favorite songs and dance around my kitchen.

6. I will take the time to curl up and read a book.

7. I will count my blessings.

8. I will embrace my humanity.

9. I will reassure myself for the one billionth time that it's okay to not always be okay.

10. I will do what I love.

11. I will accept new challenges without complaining about them.

12. I will be patient---with myself, with others, with the universe.

13. I will remember that a bad day does not equal a bad life.

14. I will honor my wants and needs.

How will you love yourself today?

<3 Madison