Big news, little eBook

Weeeeeeee!!!!

My eBook is now available for purchase! I'm not quite ready to fully celebrate yet because it is still awaiting official review before it can be distributed to major retailers, but in the meantime, it is available to purchase through smashwords.com. After it's reviewed, a few things could be subject to change (like the cover, which is pictured above), but it will (hopefully) be distributed to various retailers in due time. I will also be publishing it with Amazon's Kindle Direct at some point. 

I initially started writing this memoir in the fall of 2011 after reading a vulnerable, honest and inspiring book that made me want to open up about my own personal struggles. I never thought I'd actually publish it. I just wanted to challenge myself to "go there" and write as openly as my favorite memoir authors. And despite the emotional turmoil involved in "going there," it was an incredible relief to come clean about the things I've struggled with and share what I learned and how I grew from those things. 

But the more my little 17,000-something word memoir collected metaphorical dust in laptop document land, the more I started to wonder if I was doing a disservice to myself and others by allowing it to continue collecting metaphorical dust. About 17 months later, I read back over it and decided I liked it enough to put it out into the world and give it a chance. 

So I doctored it up, wrote and re-wrote a few things, proofread it a few nine times, got some wonderful people to write some wonderful testimonials, proofread it again, doubted it, called myself a self-indulgent fraud who should care more about the people being starved and raped instead of my own stupid stories about OCD and depression, formatted it meticulously, stressed out about acquiring the perfect cover, sought everyone's opinion on the cover, changed the cover, (will probably change the cover again in the future), proofread it one last time, got really nervous about publishing it, got really excited about publishing it, and to make a really freaking long, 2-year story short, it is finally available to feast your eyes upon and judge as you will. 

But before I provide you with a link, I want to provide you with a couple of excerpts. The eBook is divided up into two parts since I wanted to write about two unrelated things. Part 1 is about my struggle with OCD, and part 2 is about my struggle with post-high school depression. 

Excerpt from part 1

"Constant checking is a common symptom of OCD. I would clean my room, walk out, and then walk back in about two seconds later and stand in my doorway to make sure nothing had been disturbed during my two-second absence. Then I would walk out and walk back in again. I touched my bed, my nightstand, and anything else within reach to make sure everything was still intact. Then I would walk back out and turn right back around and walk in again. The third time, I’d usually walk around my room and closely observe everything. If I saw a spec of dust or a piece of fuzz anywhere, I’d dispose of it and then wash my hands afterwards. Sometimes I would even walk into my room randomly throughout the day and just stand in my doorway and stare.

My room wasn’t the only thing I constantly checked. I would often finish a homework assignment and then read it over and over again before feeling comfortable enough to put it away. I would typically read over any piece of work I finished about five to ten times.

I never wore shoes in my room. If I was going somewhere and needed to go back to my room to get something, I would take my shoes off at the door, get what I needed, and then put my shoes back on as I came out. Either that, or I would just crawl into my room on my knees and be careful not to let my shoes touch the ground.

No one’s feet except mine were allowed in my room. If my younger brother Garrison walked into my room, shoes or no shoes, I would order him to get out unless he had clean feet. If he had just gotten out of the shower or something, then it was okay as long as he didn’t touch anything. It got so bad that he eventually would just stop in my doorway and ask for permission before crossing the line onto my carpet."

Excerpt from part 2

“Are you depressed?” She asked me.

Yes, I think I might be. I walk around feeling worthless all the time. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore. You’re the only friend I have left. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, and sometimes I can’t even sleep at all because I have too much on my mind. I feel like I’m constantly being judged, and I feel pathetic. I feel like my life is going nowhere. All I do is sit around wishing I was good enough and wishing I could do something right. I’m not ready to grow up, and everyone on the face of the planet expects me to. I’m not even sure I know how. I’m isolated, insecure, and I feel like shit every second of every day.

“What?” I asked incredulously. I nervously shoved a forkful of hash brown into my mouth and looked out the window. My friend dropped the subject.

Part of me hoped that she would bring it up again—that she would urge me to talk to her and tell her how I was really feeling. I was tired of convincing everyone, including myself, that I was perfectly fine. But she did not bring it up again, so neither did I." 

To purchase my eBook, click here. Yes, I think you need a Smashwords account to buy it, but it's easy and free to join. 

If you love me, you will buy this eBook. Just kidding. I'm not one of those people.

But seriously though...I really am excited about this, and I happy danced for the better part of yesterday afternoon. I would happy dance even more if I actually sold a few copies. Help a sister out? 

And finally, if/when you buy it...

a) Accept my virtual hug.

b) Enjoy it.

c) Email or tweet me and let me know what you thought.

d) Share it!

Thank you endlessly.

<3 Madison     

    

When your stress level is high and your self-esteem is low

I'm having one of those days where I want to sell everything I own and hitch-hike to some faraway place where money and other humans don't exist. Unfortunately, there is no such place.

Amid financial issues, work troubles, an impending eBook release, the pressure to stop being a terrible blogger, personal worries, cabin fever, lack of inspiration, and depreciating self-doubt, I've been feeling a lot of temptation to just take a nice, refreshing leap from a cliff. I suppose it happens to all of us.

Sometimes I need to step back and summon my "inner wise woman" to tell me the things I'm too distracted or stubborn to tell myself. Here is what she has to say:

1. This will pass. It always does.

2. Writing and releasing a memoir is not self-indulgent. It's brave and inspiring, and as long as you know your intention behind writing it, it doesn't matter what anyone else may or may not think.  

3. Keep trying to please yourself, and stop trying so hard to please others.  

4. Stop taking everything so personally.

5. Happiness is a choice. That sentence would've pissed you off about two years ago, but now that you understand how powerfully true it is, remember it the next time you decide to dig yourself in a hole.  
 
6. Stay in touch with the people who love and put up with you. Write "call or text so-and-so" on one of your daily to-do lists if that's what it takes. Being totally alone in the world isn't fun. You would know.  

7. That $5 you spent on the ice cream you just had to have could've gone towards something useful. Like feminine products. (TMI. Whatever.) The unfortunate truth is that you are very poor right now. Start acting like it.

8. Celebrate your little victories. And for God's sake, give yourself a pat on the back every once and awhile. There is nothing wrong with celebrating yourself.  

9. When you don't feel inspired, don't blog. Or your blog posts will suck.

10. October is your favorite month, and it only comes once a year. Enjoy it.

<3 Madison  

Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 7)

~ There comes a time when you have to decide between doing what's right and doing whatever you want, even when you know better. Sometimes you just have to be big enough to do what's right. And doing the right thing won't suck forever.

~ Having a viewpoint that differs from someone else's doesn't make the other person wrong. No need to rant about how wrong they are on social media. Just agree to disagree, and peacefully move on.

~ Sometimes letting someone know that you're there for them and that they're not alone is better than giving advice that they probably won't take anyway.

~ People will still love you when you don't love yourself. And those are the kinds of people you should work really hard to keep in your life.

~ Not having your shit together doesn't mean you're weak and inadequate. It means you're human.

~ It's okay to put yourself first. In fact, sometimes it's mandatory.

~ Break your dreams down into manageable, bite-sized chunks, and they will be easier to achieve.

~ When other people hurt you, remember that it's probably because they're hurting too. That's no excuse for being hurtful, but it's still something to think about.

~ Love is fragile and uncertain. Love anyway.

~ Whatever sucky thing you're going through right now will pass. You have my word.

<3 Madison

p.s. If you are (were) a fan of my blog More to Share, More to Learn, which I worked so hard on and promoted so much (le sigh), you might want to hop on over to my Facebook page and read the announcement I posted the other day.

A Chat About Self-Love with Lori Deschene

 

I am a huge fan of Lori and Tiny Buddha, as most of you may know. So I was beyond excited when I got an email asking if it would be okay if she featured one of my Tiny Buddha posts in her upcoming book, Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself. It was a no-brainer.  

The excitement continued when she asked if I would be interested in posting a Q&A with her on this little blog of mine. It was another no-brainer. I've always wanted to interview Lori, but never had a relevant theme or topic in mind. Now I have one! 

So I sent Lori some questions about self-love, and she got back to me with these wonderfully insightful responses. I hope they inspire you as much as they inspired me.

1. What initially inspired you to write Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself? 

It's something I've planned to do for awhile---start a series of "Tiny Buddha's Guide to" books, drawing from the many inspiring stories on the site.

Self-love seemed like the perfect topic to start with, since this is the core of all personal growth and the foundation for loving others and loving life.

It's also the foundation of my greatest struggles.

For a long time, I thought my life was a mess because of my depression, or my former eating disorder, or my lack of purpose, or my lack of money, but at the heart of all those troubles was my unwavering self-loathing.

2. We all struggle with loving ourselves sometimes, and no one ever truly arrives at a place of complete self-acceptance. It's human nature to be hard on ourselves. How do you deal when loving yourself is hard?

Reminding myself of this truth is the first thing I do. Sometimes I get hard on myself for getting hard on myself, which is incredibly ironic when you think about it.

It's piling judgment on top of pain---emotions on top of emotions---and it's a surefire way to get stuck.

Beyond that, it varies. Sometimes I'm proud of how I deal. I get outside and out of my head and take good care of my mind and body. Other times, I shut down and guard myself until I feel better. I'm a work in progress!

3. Do you ever struggle with looking for truth in the less than flattering things people say or think about you? If so, how do you move past that?

Absolutely. For a long time, I interpreted every criticism or judgment as proof that I was a fundamentally bad person. I literally feared other people's perceptions of me because I saw each one as a mirror.

I became a chameleon, trying to be whatever I thought people would accept. And later, I adopted the "indisputably good person" persona, thinking no one could possibly judge me if I tried really hard to be a short, blond Dalai Lama.

I feel I've made tremendous progress here because I now realize that being disliked by some is a sign that I am being real---and creating the possibility of being liked by others who actually appreciate me for who I am.

4. Why do you think the voice in our head that tells us we're not good enough is often louder than the voice that tells us we are? 

Most of us form this belief young, based on interactions with our parents, teachers and peers.

We assume it means we are not good enough when someone hurts us, or fails to meet our needs, or compares us to someone else.

Once we've formed this belief, we go through life looking for further evidence to support it. It's as if we're wearing "I'm not good enough" glasses that filter everything through the lens of that understanding.

Aside from that, we're now dealing with a whole new set of challenges with social media. There's no shortage of reminders that other people are falling in love, getting married, having babies, traveling the world, launching businesses, or otherwise doing something that seems better than what we're doing.

It's like that Steve Furtick quote: "We struggle with insecurity because we compare our behind the scenes to everyone's highlight reel."

I know I've been there!

5. You're very open about your personal struggles in your writing, and that honesty helps people feel connected to you. Do you believe that having the courage to show your flaws and scars contributes to a greater feeling of self-love?

I think so. Every time I've shared something that I once held in secrecy and shame, I've felt a tremendous sense of relief and an increase in self-acceptance.

I shared one personal story in this book that I formerly assumed I'd never share publicly. But putting it out there reminded me that I have every reason to be proud of myself. I am not someone who needs to hide my experiences or myself. I am someone who deserves to be seen and can help other people by doing it.

6. I'm a quote nerd. What is your favorite quote about self-love?

One of my favorites is: "What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful." ~ Brené Brown

It reminds me that I don't need to be anything other than what I am. I just need to embrace and embody it.

7. What helps you minimize the comparisons you make to other people? 

It helps me to remember my own unique values, priorities and needs. My professional life is one area where I struggle with comparisons. I've gotten to know quite a few other bloggers-turned-authors, many of whom have gone on to become well-known self-help gurus.

At times, I've wondered if I'm somehow less than because I'm not leading workshops and seminars around the world and creating this type of notoriety. Then I remember that I'm not doing that because it doesn't align with what I want for myself.

It's not the path I want to follow, so it's irrelevant if other people are doing it and doing it well.

Of course, there are times when I compare myself to others who are walking the same path and seem to be doing it better.

It helps me to remind myself that no matter where I am in life, there will always be someone else who seems "ahead" of me. If I obsess about getting "there," I'll never learn to appreciate here. And here is all there is.

8. Do you ever find yourself seeking permission or validation before doing or saying something? How do you free yourself from that? 

Yes, I do seek validation at times. It's usually when I'm feeling bad about myself or feeling unconfident in a choice I want to make. It helps me to ask myself, "What do I wish that person would say to me?" Then I tell it to myself.

10. What's next for you and Tiny Buddha?

For me personally, I am about to realize a long-held dream of living a bi-coastal lifestyle with my fiancé, so we can spend time with both of our families (his in the San Francisco Bay area, and mine in the Boston area).

For Tiny Buddha, I'm working on the next guide-to book and a series of apps, but primarily focusing on spreading the word about this book. I'm proud of the end result, and I believe it will help others feel less alone and more confident about their worth.

Readers can pre-order the book (and receive the self-love bonus pack of related eBooks, eCourses and workbooks, valued at over $150) at:

http://tinybuddha.com/guide-to-loving-yourself/

            

Big thank you to Lori and to you for reading. Be sure to check out the book!

<3 Madison 

I'm still alive.

Hello friends.

I realize that I've sucked at blogging this month, and being the overly apologetic and paranoid person that I am, I wanted to briefly explain why and just pop in long enough to share a few things that have been on my mind lately.

First of all, if you've seen my latest Facebook status, you probably know what the deal is. If you haven't, click on over for a few reasons as to why I've been so absent. (Nothing bad! I'm just a bit busy and distracted right now.)

Fall is almost always an exciting and busy month for me...At least it has been over the past few years. In the fall of 2011, I overcame depression and started pursuing my passion. In the fall of 2012, I spent a lot of time being happier, watching little victories unfold, and learning to open myself up to love and friendship again. This fall, I'm releasing my first eBook and also being featured in a print book written by one of my favorite humans (Lori Deschene of Tiny Buddha). I'm also working harder, getting clearer on what exactly I want to accomplish in my life, and working up the strength and courage to get out of my comfort zone so I can start being interesting again. I can only write so many blog posts about how I'm not living up to my full potential before people start to get bored, annoyed and depressed. I hope you're not bored, annoyed or depressed because of me. Sometimes I get really bored, annoyed and depressed with myself. I guess I just want to change that in any little way that I can.

And aside from the fact that I'm preparing for everything going on this fall and the fact that my attention span has refused to sit in one place long enough for me to crank out some adequate content this month, I've also been having a bit of a love/hate relationship with the Internet lately.

I love blogging (when I'm inspired) and being able to work from home. I love all my Internet friends. I love all my favorite blogs and social networking sites. I love how easy it is to connect with people and learn how to do things at the click of a button. I love being able to look up words on dictionary.com when I'm not sure if I've used them in the right context. I love spell check. I love killing time on YouTube.

But I hate all the cruelty I see on a near daily basis...hateful comments and demeaning gossip blogs. I hate how the Internet gives bullies an easy outlet to unleash their rage and envy. I hate stupid Twitter hashtags like #ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate. I hate feeling like I'm doing nothing with my life when I read a blog post that tells me I'm worthless if what I do for a living doesn't accumulate a certain amount of money and notoriety. I hate the comparison game...how everybody tries to one up everybody else. I hate spending more time on the Internet than I do with my dogs. I hate spam. I hate Googling answers to questions I don't want to answer myself. I hate that I don't write in my journal anymore. I hate feeling like I honestly have nothing better to do if my Internet is down. I hate getting distracted by Yahoo headlines while I'm trying to work or do research. I hate that I relate to this photo on more days than I care to mention.

So I guess a part of me is just trying to find a balance between sharing my life and actually living it---a balance between relying on the Internet for entertainment and relying on my own imagination and creativity. When my life experience meter is running on empty, it's pretty hard to blog about anything aside from how uninspired I feel.

Thank you for staying with me and for understanding. I hope you'll keep checking back for new posts on the regular and sending me emails when you want to talk. :-)

In the meantime, keep an eye out for my first eBook this fall (yay) and a Q&A with Lori Deschene going up next month.

Talk to you soon.

<3 Madison          

 

The green-eyed monster

Reluctant confession of the week: I've been feeling a bit jealous of someone lately---someone I love and think is wonderful. I'm proud of her and happy for her, but at the same time, I've been feeling pangs of jealousy here and there.

It's a really strange feeling to be equally happy for and jealous of someone. And then you feel like a terrible person for being even slightly tempted to write passive aggressive rants on the Internet about how much you hate it when "someone" thinks they're all that and a bag of chips. (Thankfully, I refrained.) 

I really do think this person is awesome. I'm happy for her and excited for her. But sometimes I flare up with jealousy when I hear about how exciting and eventful her life is in comparison to mine. Then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. Then I turn into a grumpy, melancholy, self-hating human for the rest of the afternoon. 

Perhaps you can relate.

So I decided to be proactive for once and work through these feelings. Because the green-eyed monster doesn't exactly cultivate respect and lasting friendships. 

Step 1: Identify which areas of your own life you're dissatisfied with.  

Bonus points if it's something the person you're jealous of has and you don't. For example, you may be jealous of someone who is making more money than you because you're dissatisfied with the amount of money you make. Or you may be jealous of someone who travels all the time because you don't have the means or motivation to travel yourself.   

Step 2: Ask yourself what little steps you can take to be more satisfied in those areas.

These don't have to be big or overwhelming steps. Think of one little baby step you can take, and then go from there. For example, if you want to travel more, figure out how much it would cost to visit and spend a certain amount of time in a place you've always wanted to travel to. Then you could start setting aside a certain percentage of your income each month until you have enough money saved to fund the trip.    

Step 3: Count your own blessings.

Don't be so busy counting someone else's blessings that you forget to count your own. Look around. You always have something to be grateful for. I always feel better about myself and about my life when I take the time to truly notice and appreciate what I have.  

Step 4: Remember that the people you're jealous of are not perfect, have their own battles to fight every day, and may even be jealous of you. 

Don't be presumptuous enough to assume that the objects of your jealousy have all their shit together. No one ever does. One time I read something online that said something like, "If you threw all your problems in a pile with other people's problems, you'd grab all your problems back." (Something like that. I don't feel like Googling it verbatim.) It is a waste of time to compare your life to someone else's. You never know what is going on behind the scenes.

If you follow these steps, I think your jealousy will be cured. Mine is. 

<3 Madison   

Never enough

Sometimes I feel like I'm not living up to my full potential. And the really sucky, embarrassing truth is that I know I am not. I am so not.

I could be working harder. I could be a better person. I could get out more and make my existence mean something in the real world and not just on the Internet. 

It's exhausting to always feel like you never quite measure up. I have a friend who works her ass off and has done and been so many things, and even she feels like she doesn't measure up. She's always reaching for the next rung on the ladder---always pushing to make herself feel like a worthy, important, contributing member of society. And yet, she hates herself a little every single day.  

Does anyone ever feel like they measure up? It's like no matter what we do and no matter how hard we try, somebody somewhere is going to make us feel like it's not enough. We're going to make ourselves feel like it's not enough. 

Everyone thinks this way. Ask anyone, and I highly doubt you will find someone who says something like, "Oh, I definitely feel like I measure up. I know I'm good enough, and I'm living to my absolute fullest potential." If you find someone like this, please email me their contact information so I can learn their secret. 

I just really feel like a complete, total failure at life some days, and the thing I hate the most is that I rarely feel like doing anything about it. Getting dejected doesn't motivate me at all. It just makes me want to stare into space for half an hour as my mind assaults my soul and makes me feel like the most insignificant human being on the face of the Earth. 

Then I start wondering why I should work on my dreams every day if it never quite seems like I'm doing enough. I start wondering if I'm truly on the right path or if I should pave a new one. I start wondering what the people in my life see in me and what all of you see in me when I can't even find too many good things to see in myself.

It's a messy mentality to get stuck in. 

So how can we truly know if what we're doing in our lives is enough? Is our self-worth measured by what we do or who we are? How can we motivate ourselves to do more and be more when we feel too dejected to do anything at all? 

Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

<3 Madison