I've recently started watching re-runs of Boy Meets World on MTV. (I can't believe I forgot to include this show in my post, "A trip down memory lane"~ http://journeyofasoulsearcher.blogspot.com/2011/08/trip-down-memory-lane.html)
I was watching a movie on the DVR a few weeks ago, and when I finished watching it and returned to live TV, I noticed that Boy Meets World was on and I just HAD to drop everything to watch it. I felt about 90 different emotions as I sat there watching a show I had not seen in years. I just sat there gaping at the TV like a blind woman seeing for the first time.
So yesterday, I wondered, "Hmm...I wonder what all these talented, adorable cast members are up to these days." So I googled it. And although I already assumed they were all grown up now, I was still pretty shocked to see them...Well, all grown up. They're like in their thirties and some of them even have facial hair and premature wrinkles. (Gasp) But seriously. It kind of freaked me out.
And then I realized something. GROWING UP freaks me out. The breakneck speed of time passage freaks me out.
And then I realized something else. Growing up is the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life...And I'm not even trying to do it. Time is doing it. Aging is doing it. Being a normal, growing human being (something we all are) is doing it. It's the hardest thing to me because I have no control over it. I'm a recovering control freak (My recovery isn't going so well), and when something that I have no control over starts happening, I have this instinct to crawl under my bed in a fetal position and repeatedly tell myself that I wish whatever was happening could just stop happening...Knowing full well that it won't.
I can't stop time. I can't hand pick an age that I want to remain forever. I know that I have to keep moving forward and suck it up, but I'm not totally sure I even know how to do that.
We all go through countless phases and chapters in our lives, but I think the hardest one we go through is going from being a kid to being an adult. It almost happens overnight. We spend 18-20 years of our lives being taken care of and having minimal responsibilities and then all of a sudden, we have to pay bills and drive cars and get our hearts broken and work our asses off. And we soon forget how it feels to just BE.
I was babysitting my 4-year old cousin a couple of months ago, and she was just so fully involved in every moment. She wasn't sitting around dwelling on past regrets and worrying about future accomplishments. She just played with toys and ate cookies and drew pictures and got so excited about the slightest things. All I remember thinking was, "I hope this child never has to grow up." But she will. She will grow up and get hurt, stressed out, and scared just like the rest of us. It's sad, really. Inevitable, I know...But still sad.
So here I stand on the shore...Staring out at a foggy, vast ocean full of scary things like sharks and the risk of drowning. I wait and wait and wait for someone to bring me some floaties or at least build me a boat. But I realize that I'm waiting for nothing because I know that I have to build my own boat and be brave enough to sail that ocean WITHOUT floaties.
So I continue to stand, trying to memorize the feeling of the warm, safe sand beneath my feet before I inevitably have to walk away from it forever.
I'm sad.
Hi Madison,
ReplyDeleteI have just discovered your blog. I too have had a crappy year (and then some, and it hasn't ended yet) but (and I am sure you know this in your heart, on a good day, in spite of what you say above) the great thing is, you don't have to grow up. Don't think that way! I haven't grown up. I have a job, responsibilities, grandchildren, etc etc, but I try to find wonder in every moment. Sometimes it's incredibly hard but that moment will pass, and then there's another opportunity for wonder!
Even being sad is an opportunity for wonder. Look at that sadness, and let it fill you, then step back, then look closely at it again. Don't be shy. It's a part of you and you can accept it as a good thing in a way.
We have to accept that the world around us is kind of crappy, but we don't have to accept that we can't make our world better. All it takes, sometimes, is a closer look, or a step back, to see some beauty. And then, once we have a glimpse of that, we have something to reflect on for the rest of the day. If we can find three little things in one day (which isn't really all that hard) we have a little treasure box to open and look at just before we go to sleep.
Nothing grown-up about that!!!
Cheers,
epitaxial.leap
Thank you so much for reading my blog and taking the time to write this.
DeleteI love what you said about finding wonder in every moment. That is something I so often forget. I think that by growing up, there is so much I have to let go of---so much I have to leave behind. As if becoming an adult is the complete end of life as I know it. Thank you for reminding me that it isn't.
And yes, we should all look for beauty and wonder when it's the last thing we think we can find.
I will look for three (or more!) little things to be thankful for each day and begin filling my treasure box. :-)
Thanks again for telling me all this.
<3 Madison