~ So I haven't been here in three months because I don't know how to be the writer I used to be anymore. I'm not sure where she went. Maybe she grew, changed, questioned, got lost, got influenced by things outside of herself. Maybe my only concerns these days are keeping the lights and water on, my clothes washed, and my significant other happy when I don't even know how to keep myself happy. Maybe it's challenging enough putting one foot in front of the other and facing the reality of potentially starting over with my quest for purpose and individuality. Maybe my needs and priorities have changed. Maybe my whole life has changed (it has) and I don't know how to begin writing about all these new things I'm going through without exploiting myself and the people I care about. Maybe I'm on creative strike because Christina Perri, my hero and inspiration, has quit music to be a mother. Maybe I'm on creative strike because I let my most recent bout of depression knock me on my ass instead of make me stronger and more determined. All I can say is I'm sorry, and please don't hate me. I hate myself enough for all of you.
~ Relationships are hard. All of them. It takes work to keep people in your life and to know who to let go of and when to let go of them, whether temporarily or permanently. Sometimes you think you don't want someone in your life anymore when that's the last thing you want, and sometimes you think you need to keep someone in your life forever when they're actually the last thing you need. You have to know where your thoughts and behaviors are coming from. You have to recognize the difference between hating other people's flaws and hating your own. You have to get up every morning and try, even after you've failed. Because forgiving yourself is infinitely more important than forgiving other people.
~ Googling your problems will not make them go away. In fact, it will make them much worse. Step away from the computer, phone or tablet and towards your own personal improvement goals. The Internet cannot explain why you make poor decisions.
~ True love is rare. Hold on to it, even when you feel like it's too much or you don't deserve it or you're not giving enough of your best self or you're simply not ready. Love that stays by your side through the absolute worst and ugliest of times may truly never come again (no matter what they say about plenty of fish being in the sea), so don't die wishing you had treated the person who loved you fearlessly and unconditionally with a little more care and commitment.
~ Be nice to your dogs and cats. Pay attention to them. Spend time with them. Do everything you can to help them live long and happy lives, for these are the best living creatures you will ever know.
~ There is never enough room for hate, revenge and discrimination, but there is always plenty of room for love, forgiveness and understanding. Strive to live and breathe this truth, and you will eliminate a great deal of your emotional baggage. And sometimes the love, forgiveness and understanding need only be aimed towards yourself.
~ Celebrate the baby steps in life. If you sat on the couch in a puddle of despair and self-pity for 4 hours and only got up long enough to fold your laundry, celebrate the fact that you folded your laundry. If you got out of bed after believing you couldn't, celebrate the fact that you got out of bed. If you said sorry and tried a little harder to be better after hurting someone, celebrate the fact that you said sorry and tried a little harder to be better. And if you failed to write a new blog post for three months and finally wrote a little something, celebrate the fact that you finally wrote a little something.
<3 Madison
