Monday, September 19, 2016

One month sober


It's been one month since I last spoke to you. One month since you messaged me at 3 o'clock in the morning with intentions I will never understand. 

It's been one month since I gave my broken heart to somebody else, somebody unexpected, somebody who deserves to have it. One month since he immediately got to work putting it back together piece by piece and cherishing it like you once said you would. 

It's been one month since I finally found the courage to tell you that my happiness was more important than you. One month since you finally found the decency to respect that happiness. 

It's been one month since I realized you were more of a poison than a fix. One month since I realized my ability to breathe, laugh and live again. 

It's been one month since you left me for good. Maybe out of mercy. Maybe out of spite. It's been one month since I let you go without putting up a fight.

I thought I couldn't live without you, but maybe I can. Maybe I can do it for another month. And another. And another.

I must.

<3 Madison   

Thursday, September 1, 2016

My official website


Hey guys! Guess what?!

After years of toying with and dreaming about the idea of investing in my very own Internet hub, I finally have my very own Internet hub! An official website. A fancy website. A comprehensive website. And I couldn't be more excited about sharing it with you.

http://madisonsonnier.com/

No worries though - I'm not going anywhere. This is only the beginning.

<3 Madison  

Thursday, August 25, 2016

I hope you meet someone.


"You're going to meet someone wonderful someday," they said. "Someone who will make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else." 

Nearly everyone around me already had someone. The pains and frustrations of modern dating were shouting in my face. All the good guys appeared to be taken. The one person who held my heart handled it just irresponsibly enough to make me believe that maybe, just maybe he wasn't trying to be irresponsible with it at all. 

I couldn't grasp the concept of finding someone who thought I was fantastic and worth making an effort for. I couldn't believe in it. I couldn't see it. And so I drove down dead end roads and held on to things that made me bleed and settled for less and ultimately realized that I needed myself far more than I would ever need another person. 

And that's when I met someone wonderful. That's when I met someone who made me realize why it never worked out with anyone else. 

All I can say is that you won't believe in it until it happens.

So I hope you meet someone.

I hope you meet someone who makes flowers out of napkins and magic out of normalcy.
I hope you meet someone who remembers every little thing you tell them about yourself.
I hope you meet someone who notices, observes, listens, and asks questions.
I hope you meet someone who texts you back. 
I hope you meet someone who respects your boundaries and takes their time.
I hope you meet someone who never makes you question your worth.
I hope you meet someone who makes your happiness and comfort a priority.
I hope you meet someone who loves the sound of your laughter as much as you do.
I hope you meet someone who openly celebrates when you hold their hand or tell them your secrets.
I hope you meet someone who hugs your mother and opens the car door for you.
I hope you meet someone who is spontaneous and endearing.
I hope you meet someone who surprises and shocks you on a daily basis.
I hope you meet someone who thinks of you first thing in the morning and all day long.
I hope you meet someone who makes your stomach drop and your heart soar.

But most of all and more than anything else, I hope you meet someone who finally gives you a promising glimpse of what you really deserve. And makes you realize that whatever you had before was anything but.  

<3 Madison      

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

A welcome note to sadness

Hello again.

I know it's pretty normal and expected for me to fall apart whenever you pay me a visit these days. You fill my chest, steal the smile from my face, create realities that aren't there, and eventually send me to bed with a weight on my shoulders and a sharpness in my heart. I crumbled beneath you every single time you even threatened to appear.

For months, you were the only thing I knew. I would've given anything to make you go away and finally let me reconnect with the person I was before you permeated my being.

I resisted you. I fought against you. I told myself you couldn't hurt me, even though you did just that.

But the other night, I felt something different when you stopped by.

Peace. Acceptance. A harmonious sense of familiarity.

And as I soaked up this new feeling, your severity began to subside. I almost immediately went from fearing I would crumble again to standing up even straighter and embracing you in a way I never had before. I saw you for what you were - a reminder of my strength and resilience. A wound I lived through and healed from, even though I didn't believe I would at times. A piece of my story, which is important. A piece of my past, which is not. A beacon of hope and light for my future, which is already looking better than I ever imagined.

So here's what I'd like to say to you now:

I see you. I welcome you. I accept you wholeheartedly. And I thank you for teaching me to find the light in all the places I failed to look while I was too busy telling myself you shouldn't exist.  

<3 Madison      

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Happiness in a bottle

I, like most people I'm sure, wish I could somehow bottle happiness and soak in it during times of grief, stress and anxiety. I'm not referring to the kind of happiness that is exponential or based off of a major source of joy or success, but the kind of happiness that is full of peaceful acceptance, quiet contentment, and a healthy dose of hope and excitement.

I was at work the other night when I briefly experienced this kind of happiness. It's not that anything major happened. I was simply having a good day. I was getting along with my co-workers and customers. I made good money. Things were going well in my life in general. And when I got home, my face was actually sore from smiling so much. It was just one of those days, and I remember my efforts to soak up that feeling for all it was worth - my desire to bottle it up and keep it for the days of fear, uncertainty and sadness.

Unfortunately, I had one of those days the very next day upon finding out something that broke my heart wide open - of course, after I so carefully and painstakingly put it back together recently. I numbed myself to the information, refusing to ask too many questions or let it sink in too much. But when I woke up at the break of dawn the next morning with the reality that it wasn't just a dream and I couldn't change a thing about it, I cried for an hour. Bitterly. Fearfully. Pitifully.

It's strange to me how we can feel so happy one day and so devastated the next. It almost seems wholly unfair, as if life is simply unwilling to give us a break and let sleeping dogs lie.

So in the wake of my latest source of unease and heartbreak, I found myself wishing I had that happiness in a bottle even more. (Please spare the Xanax and Vodka jokes.)

I just want to bottle the type of feeling I get upon receiving wonderful news. The type of feeling I get in the presence of someone I love or feel attracted to. The type of feeling I get when I wake up and remember that I have little to do, thus leading to the realization that I can do whatever I want. The type of feeling I get when someone makes me laugh out loud. The type of feeling I get when things run smoothly and problems work themselves out. The type of feeling I get when I'm lost in the world of a good book or a captivating movie. The type of feeling I get when I know I've done something well, correctly or brilliantly. The type of feeling I get when I hear from someone I haven't spoken to in awhile. The type of feeling I get when I'm in a new and exciting environment. The type of feeling I get when life is on my side and pain keeps its distance.

But I can't. I can't put happiness in a bottle.

So instead, I'm choosing to change what I reasonably can and accept what I reasonably cannot. I'm choosing to live in the moment instead of dreading the future. I'm choosing to take my life and solve my problems one step at a time. I'm choosing to let go and set myself free from self-inflicted stress. I'm choosing to focus on my own life instead of worrying about everyone else's. I'm choosing to do everything I can to keep hope and happiness alive, no matter what life throws at me. 

And I suppose that's the closest I'll ever get to having happiness in a bottle. But if you ask me, it's a whole lot better than nothing.

<3 Madison    

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Miscellaneous thoughts (Part 13)

~ I haven't written a "miscellaneous thoughts" post in ages. It's good to be back.

~ Try not to regret investing in your health. It's outrageous and unfair that sick people have to deal with financial stress on top of being sick, but an investment in your health and well-being will always be a worthy investment.

~ Also, don't regret what you create. Your creative contribution is an important part of your story and who you are.

~ Progress is never linear. Healing takes time. Growth takes failure.

~ Pain ends. And you will be tough as nails when it does.

~ If you're doing your best, you're doing enough.

~ I'm starting to realize that romantic love is pretty subordinate in comparison to all the other types of love you can have in your life. When you have romantic love, it's all-consuming and feels like the most important type of love there is. But when you lose it, you find love in so many other places. Within yourself, in the presence of family and friends, in the little moments that make life more bearable, and in the little reminders that you're not alone after all. You can still be in love without being in love.

~ Closure is overrated. Just let go and know that you deserve to be happy and free. That should be closure enough.

~ There's no shame in having a day job while you do something you love on the side. Just don't let the day job eat up all your time and passion. Remember why you have it in the first place.

~ Feeling things deeply is not a flaw. It's a character trait that more people should possess in this narcissistic, mean, and crazy ass world.

~ Be nice to your parents. They mean well. (There are obvious exceptions to this, so don't take my word for it if your parents are assholes.)

~ Take your medicine, eat at least three meals a day, give yourself a break when you're tired, and don't let other people tell you how to feel.    

<3 Madison

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

The trouble with instant gratification

I constantly crave instant gratification, which is a very common issue in society. We want what we want, and we want it as soon as possible. And we often end up taking the worst possible paths to get it.

Selfishness. Entitlement. Manipulation. Impulsiveness. Cheating. Lying. Self-destruction.

I've resorted to nearly all of the above at one time or another. All because I was too impatient to be patient and too consumed by the hard parts to focus on the forthcoming good parts. I wanted instant gratification. I wanted results. I wanted a straight and easy path to healing, success, personal gain - whatever I was after at the time.

But here's the thing: Being patient and doing the messy, less than pleasant work of achieving or acquiring what you hope to achieve or acquire is really, really, really, really hard. 

Progress takes time, work, and a lot of steps in the wrong direction. I'm learning and re-learning that there's no magic formula, no grand answer, and no obstacle-free path to success and happiness - or anything else for that matter. You can't push people out of the way. You can't resist what needs to happen just because it's not happening the way you wish it would happen. And you can't avoid the truth. You can't avoid what is waiting to be discovered.

I feel like I'm climbing a mountain in 90 degree heat, guys. I'm so tired. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm so thirsty. I have cuts and bruises all over me. When I stop to rest, I feel both grateful for the stillness and panicked that I'll never reach the top, never see the view, never bask in the sunlight of victory and growth. And that's when the familiar urge for instant gratification creeps in, begging me to find a short cut where there isn't one or encouraging me to quit altogether when I've already come so far.

It's so challenging. I have days where all the fight has left my body and all I can do is cry. But for every day I don't believe I can make it, I have a day where I manage to find my innermost strength and willingness to try really damn hard anyway.

What I'm ultimately trying to say is this:

I know your journey isn't always easy, and I know the search for instant gratification is tempting. Love hurts, money is scarce, amazing opportunities are difficult to come by, we live amongst a chaotic sea of questions with only little islands of answers scattered here and there, and personal struggles have a cruel way of haunting us, no matter how much progress we made yesterday, last week, last month, or last year.

But hang in there. If it's hard, you're doing it right. If it hurts, it's working. If you're taking the long way, you're on the right path.

<3 Madison