Soul-searching (n) ~ deep or critical examination of one’s motives, actions, beliefs, etc.
Journey of a Soul Searcher was born when my head, my heart, my gut, and my soul actually agreed with one another for the very first time.
I was pacing around my backyard, thinking about my life and wishing I didn’t hate myself so much when I realized something that I had completely failed to realize up until that point.
I wasn’t living my life for me. I was trying too hard to please everyone but myself. I was trying to live by “the rules”---trying to live my life the right way and in the right order.
Because that’s what everyone else was doing. And as far as I was concerned, I needed to be like everyone else.
After graduating from high school, I let other people’s expectations drive my life. I spent an entire year wallowing in my own misery and wondering what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I at the same level of growth as everyone else? I was supposed to have my life figured out. I was supposed to be making progress. I was supposed to be working my ass off in college or in some serious, professional, adult job---not stuffing my face with Kraft macaroni & cheese whilst watching Nickelodeon.
My life looked nothing like I had planned for it to look, and given the fact that I had completely tied my identity to that vision for myself, I ended up feeling like a shell of a human.
So I spent that entire year looking into every possible career path EXCEPT the one I wanted---the one I didn’t know I wanted yet because I was too busy trying to do what I thought everyone else wanted me to do.
“Maybe I can be a flight attendant! That sounds like a good time! Or maybe I can be a physical therapist! Or how about I write for the newspaper even though I hate the news and never read the newspaper?!”
Honestly, anything sounded better than nothing. Having a plan was better than having no idea. I probably would’ve settled for just about anything if it meant I could have a spiffy job title to my name---as if having a spiffy job title defined me as a person.
So to make a long story short, I basically let a ridiculously long list of external things define me. And then I lost myself. And then I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore. And then I got really depressed.
You get the idea.
But on that memorable day in my backyard, something shifted inside of me. My head, my heart, my gut, and my soul aligned. And I just knew that I wanted to be a writer. It just hit me in the face all at once. I’m not really sure how else to describe it. I just knew that I wanted/needed to share my heart and soul with other people.
So I started by making this blog (because every writer should have a blog, right?!?), and it’s pretty much my baby now. And I decided to call this baby “Journey of a Soul Searcher.”
Because I am soul searching. And it definitely feels like a journey.
AND THEN I LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
Just kidding. Before I wrap this up, I want you all to know that this isn’t one of those “I used to be depressed, but now I’m happy as a clam, and if you want the secret to everlasting happiness and joy, hit that follow button” blogs.
I still struggle and dislike myself quite a lot. I have ups and downs. I’m human, and I’m pretty sure my fragile heart lives on the outside of my chest.
Deciding to live my life for me was much easier said than done. Because the pressure to conform and fit in with normal people (I’m not normal) can get pretty heavy sometimes. And I frequently crack under that kind of pressure.
I want a fair number of people to like me. I want my family to be proud of me. I want to relate to my friends.
And people who decide to be different---people who play music or write a blog or paint pretty pictures or dance around in shiny leotards usually get a lot of flack. And most of those people have to prove themselves before anyone will believe in them or take them seriously.
So with all of that said, I still carry around more shame than I should, I get discouraged sometimes, and I have crappy days when jumping in front of a moving bus sounds like a pretty grand idea.
But I have not once considered giving up on myself or on my dream of writing. This blog documents my journey towards that dream and all of the ups AND the downs that I experience along the way. It really just documents my life, my thoughts, and my feelings in general.
I want to show you my heart and soul. I want to share my lessons with you. I want you to know that you’re not alone and that there is nothing wrong with feeling crappy. I want to stand beside you, not above you.
It means the world to me that you decided to stop by.