About

Soul-searching (n) ~ deep or critical examination of one’s motives, actions, beliefs, etc.

Journey of a Soul Searcher was born when my head, my heart, my gut, and my soul actually agreed with one another for the very first time. 

I was pacing around my backyard, thinking about my life and wishing I didn’t hate myself so much when I realized something that I had completely failed to realize up until that point.

I wasn’t living my life for me. I was trying too hard to please everyone but myself. I was trying to live by “the rules”---trying to live my life the right way and in the right order.

Because that’s what everyone else was doing. And as far as I was concerned, I needed to be like everyone else.

After graduating from high school, I let other people’s expectations drive my life. I spent an entire year wallowing in my own misery and wondering what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I at the same level of growth as everyone else? I was supposed to have my life figured out. I was supposed to be making progress. I was supposed to be working my ass off in college or in some serious, professional, adult job---not stuffing my face with Kraft macaroni & cheese whilst watching Nickelodeon.

My life looked nothing like I had planned for it to look, and given the fact that I had completely tied my identity to that vision for myself, I ended up feeling like a shell of a human.

So I spent that entire year looking into every possible career path EXCEPT the one I wanted---the one I didn’t know I wanted yet because I was too busy trying to do what I thought everyone else wanted me to do.

Maybe I can be a flight attendant! That sounds like a good time! Or maybe I can be a physical therapist! Or how about I write for the newspaper even though I hate the news and never read the newspaper?!

Honestly, anything sounded better than nothing. Having a plan was better than having no idea. I probably would’ve settled for just about anything if it meant I could have a spiffy job title to my name---as if having a spiffy job title defined me as a person.

So to make a long story short, I basically let a ridiculously long list of external things define me. And then I lost myself. And then I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore. And then I got really depressed.

You get the idea.

But on that memorable day in my backyard, something shifted inside of me. My head, my heart, my gut, and my soul aligned. And I just knew that I wanted to be a writer. It just hit me in the face all at once. I’m not really sure how else to describe it. I just knew that I wanted/needed to share my heart and soul with other people.  

So I started by making this blog (because every writer should have a blog, right?!?), and it’s pretty much my baby now. And I decided to call this baby “Journey of a Soul Searcher.”

Because I am soul searching. And it definitely feels like a journey.

AND THEN I LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Just kidding. Before I wrap this up, I want you all to know that this isn’t one of those “I used to be depressed, but now I’m happy as a clam, and if you want the secret to everlasting happiness and joy, hit that follow button” blogs.

I still struggle and dislike myself quite a lot. I have ups and downs. I’m human, and I’m pretty sure my fragile heart lives on the outside of my chest.

Deciding to live my life for me was much easier said than done. Because the pressure to conform and fit in with normal people (I’m not normal) can get pretty heavy sometimes. And I frequently crack under that kind of pressure.

I want a fair number of people to like me. I want my family to be proud of me. I want to relate to my friends.

And people who decide to be different---people who play music or write a blog or paint pretty pictures or dance around in shiny leotards usually get a lot of flack. And most of those people have to prove themselves before anyone will believe in them or take them seriously.

So with all of that said, I still carry around more shame than I should, I get discouraged sometimes, and I have crappy days when jumping in front of a moving bus sounds like a pretty grand idea.

But I have not once considered giving up on myself or on my dream of writing. This blog documents my journey towards that dream and all of the ups AND the downs that I experience along the way. It really just documents my life, my thoughts, and my feelings in general.

I want to show you my heart and soul. I want to share my lessons with you. I want you to know that you’re not alone and that there is nothing wrong with feeling crappy. I want to stand beside you, not above you.

It means the world to me that you decided to stop by.

<3 Madison

20 comments:

  1. Thank you for being there, you seem to have read my mind...I feel so relieved to have read the words that I often feel inside...:) :) Keep up the great work and continue to follow your spirit as it never deceives...you go Madison!

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    1. Thank you, Misti. Comments like this keep me going. :-)

      <3 Madison

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  2. Does it surprise you that the things you think and feel also go through the thinker and ticker of someone a few decades older than you? I'm not sure we ever "grow up" or outgrow those feelings of who-am-I. Thank you for sharing your heart :)

    CJ

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    1. Yes, that's what I love about writing this blog and getting feedback from people of all ages. No matter our age, we all experience the same thoughts and feelings sometimes. :-)

      <3 Madison

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  3. how nicely you write now i feel like i am not alone and there are people like us :) rightnow i am a soul searcher too trying to find my way in this world hope i find my way too..................
    keep it up :)

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    1. Thank you so much! I'm still finding my way one step at a time. I love knowing that I'm not alone.

      <3 Madison

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    2. Hi Madison! I'm carol from the Philippines and I just want you to know that your writing inspired me. I read your post in tiny buddha which lead me to your blog. I think we have the same story and struggle that's why I can relate to your posts. I find it very interesting, entertaining at the same time, helpful. Please continue what you are doing, you are great.

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    3. Hi Carol!

      Thank you so much for saying all of that. I'm really glad you can relate to my story and my posts. I will definitely continue writing, and I hope you enjoy what I have to share in the future. :-)

      <3 Madison

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  4. Madison, what captured my initial interest in your blog was the idea of aligning your soul, heart and mind. I've never done it in the almost fifty years I've been on this earth. I then discovered that we have a lot of the same types of things running through our heads. I will continue to follow your blog and offer up what advice I can. I always wanted to be an artist, my heart went that way anyhow. My mind told me to go technical and I did, and I was successful but very unhappy so I lost contact with what my soul wanted me to do and I attempted suicide. I am now ears wide open for any and all advice or just sharing of experiences in this area. Keep it up you are doing great.

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    1. Thank you for your comment, Shane. I definitely want to encourage you to work on your art if you haven't started already.

      It can be difficult to stay in alignment with what you really want. I've almost strayed off my own path several times, but something always brings me back to it. And no matter how hard things get sometimes, I KNOW I'm where I'm supposed to be. I can feel it in every fiber of my being.

      I send you good thoughts and positive energy. Thank you so much for stopping by. :-)

      ~ Madison

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  5. Hi Madison, I found you after Googling 'I am very lonely'...not sure how really, I mean you're probably not lonely yourself...and guess what? Yeah, I really am very lonely. I recently got rid of loads of clutter from my house and realised that I was using it to distract myself from the reality of my situation. I live in the middle of a city of 300,000 people in the heart of England and I only have my parents and a therapist friend to talk to. Well at least I have them. My two year old niece is probably my best friend. She's fun to be around. I also realised on ditching my clutter that having a sense of humour is the only way to really stay sane. Sprinkle lightness on all your darkness. I have new neighbours and I'm terrified. A family of seven in a two bedroom house. I hope they're not going to be trouble. Will try to find humour in the situation...life is so imperfect :) You seem nice so I thought I would write. Will fly off to another flower now. Don't really want to be anon, my name is John :)

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    1. Hi John! I wouldn't necessarily say that I never get lonely. Everyone does! But I'm sorry you've been feeling that way lately, and I hope you feel better soon. And you're always welcome to talk to me if you want. I'm not the best advice giver, but I'm a pretty good listener. :-)

      I agree that having a sense of humor is a great way to stay sane. I hope your new neighbors don't give you any trouble, and I hope your loneliness goes away, as I'm sure it will. Everything passes.

      All the best,
      Madison

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  6. Was having a very down morning...came across this blog and found this "...Or how about I write for the newspaper even though I hate the news and never read the newspaper?!"

    You made me smile which made my day. Thank you.

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    1. I'm glad I made your day! I hope the rest of your week is better.

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  7. Hi Madison, I just want to thank you for your blog. Whenever I feel down or upset, because of everything or for no reason at all, your blog is really helpful to me. It just reminds me of the fact that life is not always what you want it to be, but it's beautiful, although we do not always see that. It's worth the struggle. Keep up the good work, there should be way more great people like you on this planet ;) Thanks alot.

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  8. HI. Madison..I can really relate in your work..I wish you all the happiness..Id been reading this book called Emotional First Aid by guy winch.. it really helps me a lot figuring out and trying to make sense of everything....if only all people are sensitive and loving enough everything will be so great.. I was just trying to write everything that comes out of my head right now coz i feels really light when I do it..it eases some of my burdens..Ive struggling with anxiety for over 7 years..fortunately this past month ive realized the ultimate cure..that is i have to love my self which means in everything that i do must be in a respectful manner.. I was always trying to put myself down never realizing that it weakens me... Although today i have still this ups and downs at least its not that much like the past years..Your blog really makes me happy knowing that I am not alone...reality really throw lemons but we must be clever enough to make it into a lemonade...

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    1. I'm sorry you've been struggling with anxiety and emotional problems! That is all very familiar to me, as I struggle with the same things on a regular basis. I'm so glad my blog has helped you ease your burdens a bit, and I hope I continue to provide plenty of inspiration. Thank you so much for reading!

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  9. Hi Madison! You write very beautifully. It brings me such joy when people find and connect to their niche so strongly, and I am so happy that you have found yours in your writing.
    Lately, I've been struggling with some depressive symptoms that seem very similar to some of your struggles. Mostly, by the fact, that I feel that I experience every emotion in a very intensified manner. Everywhere I turn, however, it seems that everywhere I turn (mainly self-help books on happiness/blogs/etc), rather than accepting that being emotional is part of our being, people think the best option is to cure it rather than explaining how to cope with being overly emotional.
    I so appreciate your comment about how this isn't a "I was depressed and now I'm over it and now I'm going to tell you how to live a happy life just like me"
    That made such a difference to me, and I'm so happy there are people like you out there who write about their experiences of their ups and downs, their best and their most depressed days. It makes the world a little less lonely.
    I also recently read a book called "Against Happiness" by Eric G. Wilson that helped me as well. It talks a lot about the pressure to be happy despite all of the chaotic events occurring in our world right now. It helped me a lot, and I wanted to pass it along to you in hopes that it might help you some day when you're feeling low just as you have helped me today.
    Thank you so much for your words. They have helped me more than you know. Thank you for being you.
    All the best,
    Lauren

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    1. Lauren, thank you so much! I recently took a waitressing job for financial purposes and have been falling a little behind on my writing/worrying about it taking a backseat. Messages like these encourage and inspire me so much to keep going!

      I love everything you wrote about emotions. The tendency to feel things intensely is not something that needs to be fixed or cured. Emotions demand to be felt. I'm so glad my writing has inspired you to embrace that and feel less alone. And thanks for the book recommendation!

      All the best,
      Madison

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