I want to share another one of my personal journal entries with you guys today. I don't know why I feel the need to post a large majority of my innermost thoughts and secrets on the internet. Maybe it's because I feel connected to you guys, and I know you'll understand and relate to me. Maybe it's because there is a tug in my heart to share my insecurities with the world instead of letting them collect dust in a notebook. Maybe it's because deep down, I don't really care if it's personal or not. After all, one of the reasons I started this blog was to get things off my chest in a healthy and therapeutic manner.
But mostly, I just believe that there is something to be learned from addressing our innermost thoughts and feelings. I think we owe it to ourselves and other people to just be honest about how we feel---unapologetically. I think it has a way of making us all feel less alone.
So this is what I wrote in my journal the other night at 4 in the morning. Maybe you can relate.
"I question my worth a lot.
There is a tiny voice inside of me somewhere that tells me I'm enough just the way I am and that I have nothing I need to prove, but I often have a hard time believing that. I still feel like I have to live up to a certain standard before I feel like I matter, even though I know deep down in my gut that no matter what standard or expectation I live up to, I will always feel the need to push myself even further.
I link my worth to the amount of money I have, how many mistakes I do or do not make, the amount of friends I have, my ability to make decisions, my communication skills, whether or not I have my driver's license, what I have or have not accomplished---you name it.
And I have days where I genuinely feel worthy enough, but most of the time, I expect others to reassure me. And when I'm afraid they won't, I hide from them.
I feel like I'm running out of things to celebrate about myself. Because according to what I've learned from society and my own negative self-talk, there is a lot wrong with me and a lot I should work on. I wish I liked myself enough to do something productive about it."
Yikes. I always get really anxious about hitting "publish" after sharing something like this. But I highly doubt I'm the only person who feels this way, which is why I'm going to publish it anyway.
It's kind of ironic, considering the fact that I'm always talking about how you guys matter (http://tinybuddha.com/blog/what-you-do-matters/) and how you make a difference. And I mean every word when I say stuff like that. But like I said in the journal entry, I don't always believe the quiet voice inside of me that validates how worthy I really am. I start thinking about how my life is supposed to look.
"I'm supposed to make a steadier income."
"I'm supposed to have my driver's license by now, not an expired learner's permit."
"I'm supposed to get out more and be more social."
"I'm supposed to remember what I learned in high school enough to help my younger brother with his homework."
"I'm supposed to be doing more to achieve my goals."
When I let thoughts like this sink in, it becomes really easy to question my worth and really hard to reverse such a negative mindset. Then instead of being proactive and kind to myself (like I'm supposed to), I sit around and think about what a failure I am. That's when journal entries like the one above spill out of me.
So today, since I obviously appear to have fallen off the positivity wagon, I want to ask you guys a question.
How do YOU define your worth?
What makes you feel like you truly matter? What makes you look in the mirror and know in your heart and soul that you are important and worthy? What is your definition of "worth"?
I look forward to reading your answers.