Wednesday, May 3, 2017

This is what I wrote today.

"You're gonna write today," my boyfriend sternly told me over the phone. "And you're gonna show me what you wrote when I get home or I will dirty up every single dish in the apartment."

A rather motivating threat right there.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Every time I sit down to write, nothing happens. I usually just end up browsing blogs for inspiration before ultimately calling it a day. And hating myself.

I've been hating myself for the last three hours, if not the last three weeks. The whole reason I wanted to quit my job was so I could write more - so I could pursue my "passion." But every time I have the opportunity, I don't do it. This is an indescribably frustrating thing for me, and that's precisely why I don't do it. Because I know I'm gonna sit down and try harder than I've ever needed to and that whatever I do write is gonna flop and I'm gonna spend the rest of the day wishing I was dead because I'm not really living anyway, right?

Yet here I am, writing something like I promised. I considered finishing a piece I started the other day, but decided it was way too personal to be published. I considered getting back to work on the novel I haven't touched in 6 months or that other book I haven't touched in 5. But no matter what, I always end up here. Right where I started when I was 19 and full of promise and certainty that this was my path in life. I feel safe here. I can be honest here.

I don't know what to tell you guys, and I especially don't know what to tell myself. Maybe my life is in a relatively good place right now and it's hard to find inspiration when I'm happy/comfortable. Maybe I'm distracted by bigger things like where I'll be working by the end of the year and my impending trip to see my brother, whom I haven't seen in three very long months. Maybe I need to try harder and dig deeper to find the stories that still need to be told. Maybe the only remotely noteworthy things that have been happening in my life lately are just too personal for anyone else's eyes, therefore I can't write about them.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. That's all I ever have to say for myself.

But at least I wrote something today.

<3 Madison

11 comments:

  1. Yeah,you did. And it made a lot sense to me. You're so real, open and honest. And this is one thing that has being driving me to your blog-for the past 5 years-whenever I am a bit worried about myself.. I mean how stagnant my life has become-and if at all I will ever be able to fulfil my destiny on earth. You're not a lone Sonnier. From far away Nigeria, you have a diehard fan in me who'll always read whatever you have to write, for as long as you keep writing from the depth of your soul. Never, ever stop being you. I love you.

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    1. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much that means to me at this point in my life.

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  2. Read "The power of the subconscious mind" - it might help you.

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  3. hi, my name is Juan Carlos. I have been struggling with lack of self love. I beat myself thinking that I should be doing way better, I should be following my dreams and build a brighter future, but y always feel like I am not good enough. I have been writing a lot lately searching the reason why I am this depressed and always feel stuck in self pity. I love my family and i know they love me to the moon and back, but ever since i was little my family put a big burden on my shoulders. Every problem my parents had, every mistake my brothers made , i was always the one that had to compensate to make the situation better and keep the family together. In short words i had to be the perfect son and brother. i thought i had overcome all that, i put an ocean apart between me and my family hoping to finally be able to focus on myself, to focus on what i want to be in life free of distractions, and family worries. Since always feel like i am not good enough to get anything right, i keep going back to zero to star again a different way. i am tired of trying.

    Sorry for any typo, I moved to US from Puerto Rico, and i am tying to learn How to speak and write English.

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    1. Hi Juan! I struggle with so many of the same issues. I beat myself up, come in and out of depression (currently in), don't always get along with or relate to my family...Life can feel really hard sometimes. But it helps to know you're not alone and that every low point means a high point is somewhere around the corner.

      Hope that helps!

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  4. Thanks for being as real as you can in a public forum. The struggle is easy to relate to and worth reflecting on often. Good luck in your journey.

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read. :-)

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  5. Stop all 'trying'. Stop all 'working harder'. Stop 'looking for' inspiration. It hasn't worked til now & it doesn't work ever. Even when it has 'seemed' to work in the past, it really didn't. Very soon you'll begin to discover that whenever you simply ALLOW yourself to just BE YOU, that eventually all sorts of amazing things begin to come to the surface from within. They are already there, seeking to be born through you. You don't have to look for them because they are already seeking you! You don't have to 'try' or 'work hard' either. Learn how to BE IN THE NOW MOMENT & then simply ALLOW them to come forth from within you--in their time, not your time. To Your Continued Success, Madison!

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    1. A wonderful and timely reminder. Thank you so much. :-)

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  6. I'm led here by this!

    https://tinybuddha.com/blog/realizing-your-self-worth-and-believing-in-your-path/

    I guess you could look at your own article for inspiration :)

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