My inner wise woman

"Why does life have to be so full of change, endings, and goodbyes?" I thought to myself with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes.

My inner wise woman answered almost immediately.

"Because without change, endings, and goodbyes, there wouldn't be growth, beginnings, and hellos."

<3 Madison

Have a little faith

As most of you have probably noticed by some of my recent posts, I'm sort of at a fork in the road in my life right now.

Uncertainty is scary and depressing sometimes. I've spent the last few days stuffing my face, staring out of windows for countless minutes on end, and Googling questions like "Where is my life going?" (Whoever said no one has all the answers clearly hasn't tried Google........But unfortunately, Google was not able to tell me where my life is going.)

To be clear, I know what I want to DO with my life (sort of), but I don't know where it's all leading or if it will ensure that I don't spend my late twenties or early thirties living under a bridge. I've basically just spent the last few days wondering how I'm going to make a living staying completely true to myself and my passions. Because let's face it: It can be pretty hard to get paid simply for being yourself. Especially in a world intent on molding you to fit in with the rest of the crowd.

And I know that money isn't the most important thing in life. When I'm lying on my death bed, I won't give two shits about money. But a friend of mine once said, "It's fine and dandy to think that life isn't about money, responsibilities, and long term goals, but I have a cell phone bill and a landlord who would beg to differ."

I'm all for positive thinking and focusing on what truly matters in the long run, but I'm also a bit of a realist. And if I want to actually take care of myself, I'm going to need to figure out how to accumulate the green stuff. (With that said, getting rich or whatever is not the goal here. Not even close. The goal is to make a decent living doing something I love to do.)

BUT ANYWAYS. I'm getting way off topic.

So the other night while I was mindlessly surfing the internet and questioning the point of life once again, I came across this quote on someone's Tumblr:

"Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it's meant to be." 

My initial thought was something like, "I don't want to hear any cliches right now."

But my second thought was, "This is true."

It's not always comforting when worrying, wondering, and doubting takes up 99.9% of your time, but things have always turned out okay for me. My worries, doubts, and fears haven't killed me. And if I'm still here and breathing, it must be for a reason. Learning to believe that gives me a reason to wake up every morning.

And if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that faith is much more powerful than doubt.

If you can relate to this post, maybe these quotes on uncertainty will help ease your mind a little bit. Courtesy of my favorite website. :-) http://tinybuddha.com/wisdom-category/uncertainty-2/

<3 Madison

Why I worry about myself

I think a lot of people wonder why I worry about myself and my future so much. People are always telling me that I'll turn out just fine.

But how do they know that?

I appreciate all of the reassurance and words of comfort, but by the time you finish reading this post, I think you'll understand why I worry so much.

As most of you may know, I've been keeping a mood journal to track my moods throughout the day. Yesterday morning, my mood was "irritable" and for the reason behind that mood, I wrote this: "It has been one of those mornings where it seems as if the entire universe is conspiring against you."

I'm sure you can all relate to those types of mornings---when truly bad or inconvenient things actually happen.

Looking back, I can barely remember what I was so worked up about, aside from a couple of extremely minor nuisances. The only thing that was really bothering me at that moment was the fact that I had to pour half a gallon of milk down the drain because it had expired.

So...If I conclude that the universe is conspiring against me when my milk expires, I can only imagine how I would react to something big happening---something much more tragic than expired milk.

I've never been good at managing stress. In fact, I try to avoid it as much as I possibly can because I KNOW how intensely it can affect me.

I'll never forget the time I nearly had a nervous breakdown because I had two days to complete a multi-page study guide for my algebra class in ninth grade. I didn't know where to start, and there were several problems I didn't know how to solve. I was on the verge of being physically ill, lying in a fetal position on the couch while my mom looked at me like I was nuts.

So my point is this: How can I NOT worry about my well-being when I almost immediately curl up into a ball of shame in the face of adversity? When I'm independent and have to deal with my problems on my own, how am I going to stay sane in all of the inevitable high-stress situations that accompany adulthood? How do I know I won't have a mental and/or emotional breakdown before the age of 30?

I don't know the answers to any of those questions.

THAT is why I worry so much about myself and my future.

Wouldn't you?

Do not give up on yourself.

"It doesn't matter how slowly you go---so long as you do not stop." ~ Confucius 

If you're a dream chaser, hard worker, creative soul, or success addict, you can probably relate to the feeling of pushing and striving and constantly wondering if you should or could be doing more to reach your "destination." 

First of all, I'm finally starting to realize that there never really is a "destination" or an end point. We create a vision of what we think the finish line should look like, when in reality, there is no finish line. It's all about the journey and learning as we go along. 

We have no way of knowing where our efforts will lead, and that tends to create oodles of anxiety---at least, that's usually the case for me. 

"Following your dreams is the scariest thing in the world, and that's why a lot of people don't do it." ~ Christina Perri

When you have a dream or a vision, you usually have an intense instinct to cling to it for dear life, fearfully wondering how everything would pan out if you were to let go and follow that dream---and the path ahead can look extremely daunting.

Again, maybe that's just me. 

Lately, a lot of thoughts have been running through my mind. These are just a few of them:

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I don't have a plan B. If my efforts go to hell, I'll be living in a cardboard box for the rest of my life, wondering why the universe hates me. 

How the hell am I going to make money? 

Everyone will laugh at me and tell me to grow up and get a real job.  

I should be doing more. I should be working harder. 

You might be wondering what my dream is. To be honest, I often wonder the same thing. I don't have everything mapped out, and I could write a book on all of the things I still need to learn and figure out. 

I often feel that I'm moving too slowly. I feel like there's an imbalance between planning and taking action. Maybe you can relate to that feeling.

I should be doing more. I should be working harder. 

Yesterday, the quote at the top of this post randomly popped in my head. And after it did, I realized that I wasn't being fair to myself. I do something every day to push myself closer to my goal (whatever that goal is). Every day, I take a step---even if it's just a baby step. There are days when I do more, and there are days when I do less. Either way, I still do SOMETHING. And if I take the time to look back to where I started and compare it to where I am now, I've come pretty damn far. 

So I might be feeling a little stuck right now. I might be taking my time. I might be over-planning and over-thinking. I might be at a fork in the road. I might be mildly terrified. 

But I have no intention of giving up. And looking back on all of the things I so easily gave up on in the past, that is a pretty big accomplishment in itself. 

<3 Madison  

   

Maybe it's okay...

I want to apologize to you guys. I probably shouldn't feel the need to apologize for this, but I'm apologizing anyway. My posts have been mildly depressing lately, and I haven't been posting as often as I want to because I've been feeling stuck and uninspired. (Also, my internet has been spotty lately, but that's beside the point.)

I try to post at least once every week, and I'm constantly trying to come up with new ideas. But it's hard to inspire other people when I can't even inspire myself.

So today, I've decided to shave away my desire to be inspirational and motivational. I guess I'm just hoping that you'll get something useful out of this post anyway.

I'm not completely sure that I know how to be an adult.

Maybe that's okay.

I'm not completely sure where my life is going from here.

Maybe that's okay.

I have a lot to learn, and I don't know where to start.

Maybe that's okay.

Sometimes I want to step away from life and not give a shit about anything.

Maybe that's okay.

I honestly feel like I don't deserve it when people tell me how wonderful I am.

Maybe that's okay.

Maybe there doesn't have to be a lesson or life-changing epiphany concealed within these statements. Maybe it's okay to give myself permission to NOT be okay.