I have a confession to make, mostly for myself. I want to write it down and see it in front of me so I can stop trying to convince myself that it's not true.
One of my biggest fears is being judged. I don't like how criticism makes me feel and it very negatively affected me for a long time. It consumed me. It still does sometimes.
I guess it all started when a girl I played with on the playground every day in fifth grade kinda sorta told me to go away and stop hanging around. When you're ten years old, that's an ouch. This ostracization got even worse in middle school. I sat at lunch every day with a group of girls who clearly did not want me around, but I sat with them anyway and ate my lunch in silence while they ignored me.
This need to feel accepted and this fear of being judged has sort of followed me around for as long as I can remember. It's like a scar that will always be there.
But here's the good news. I stay true to myself and live the life I want in spite of it.
Don't get me wrong. It wasn't always that way. My immediate reaction to criticism used to be to change whatever it was that I was being criticized for. It made me completely miserable and I soon decided that I was going to stop doing that to myself.
If someone tells me that my hair looks bad when it's parted down the middle, I'm not going to rush to the nearest mirror and style it differently.
If someone tells me that my boobs are too small, I'm not going to rush to the nearest plastic surgeon and have them enhanced.
If someone tells me that I'm too meek and quiet, I'm not going to rush to the nearest microphone stand and give a speech.
If someone tells me that I should be a pharmacist instead of a writer, I'm not going to rush to the nearest pharmaceutical training school and sign up.
So yes. I have a fear of being judged. But I live in spite of that fear and at the end of the day, I still have a clear focus on who I am and what I want.