We all do it---place protective shields around our hearts, distract ourselves from our emotions, and run like the wind when someone or something threatens to chip away that shield or make distracting ourselves impossible.
I always get caught up in this cycle of letting myself feel what I feel and then eventually doing everything in my power to make sure I don't have to feel what I feel.
I'll let myself feel vulnerable and open to any pain that's inside my heart, but as soon as that pain gets too uncomfortable or too vast, I feel weak and begin doing everything I can to numb it.
I used to (and still do sometimes) wake up every morning and dive headfirst into any kind of distraction I could find, whether it be listening to loud music, drowning myself in work or studies, or watching hours of TV and/or movies. I'd fill every possible open minute of my day with SOMETHING that didn't involve sitting with myself and letting my heart or soul writhe in discomfort. And then before going to bed each night, I would take Advil PM so I could avoid that window of time before sleep when your mind starts wandering and reminding you of everything that feels wrong in your life. I also wanted to avoid the possibility of not falling asleep at all, which is the absolute worst thing in the world when you don't like yourself very much.
As long as we're alive, we are inevitably going to be at war with our hearts at some point---way more than once.
It's almost like a survival instinct to avoid this kind of pain.
We avoid giving our hearts to that person who has the power to shatter it into a million pieces at any given moment---as if our hearts are sensitive bombs that could go off if placed in the wrong hands.
We ignore our gut instincts, the whispers of our soul, and that little voice in the back of our minds.
We work, sleep, and drink away our feelings all to avoid surrendering to them.
Because when at war, we never want to surrender, right? We never want to be the one waving that white flag in the end.
So we fight away our feelings, fight away our desires, and fight away our instincts.
Yet we still end up losing somehow. Nothing good or fulfilling ever comes out of doing any of the above actions.
The truth is, your heart always wins the battle in the end. It's stubborn, and it refuses to be reasoned with.
What if we gave ourselves permission to surrender? What if we lied down and stopped fighting? What if we looked at it as letting go instead of giving up?
I am trying so hard to stop fighting with my own heart.