Monday, June 10, 2013

Thoughts on self-hatred

This isn't exactly breaking news, but I really hate myself sometimes. In fact, I've been hating myself off and on for the past couple of weeks.

Self-love is really hard when you know yourself better than anyone else on the planet. Every flaw, every mistake, every rude thought, every limiting belief, every weakness, every failure---It's all there at the forefront of your mind screaming, "Look at me!"

I don't entirely know why, but I've just been in this horrible off and on funk for the past couple of weeks. I've had a really hard time loving myself.

I've judged and blamed other people in my head, which makes me feel like a bitch. I've chosen chocolate chips and doughnuts over carrots and broccoli, which makes me feel like I lack self-control. I've been working and wasting time more than I've been playing, which makes me feel like I don't really remember how to play. I feel like I've been running from myself, and I have no idea what exactly I'm running from, which makes me feel stupid and weak. I've been comparing myself to other people, which makes me feel like I don't measure up. I've been failing to write inspiring, uplifting content, which makes me feel like a fraud.

And while not everyone will write these confessions on the Internet, I think a lot of people feel the same way. That's one of the reasons why I do this. It's hard to write your fears and weaknesses in permanent ink and let everybody else read them, but I can only hope that there will be one person out there who thinks, "Finally someone understands."

Hating yourself really sucks. Thinking that the self-hatred will pass quickly and then waiting around while it takes its sweet time sucks even more.

I wish I had some kind of super inspiring after-thought, but I don't.

All I can say is that maintaining an unconditionally loving relationship with yourself is hard work. But I try to get a little better at it every day.

<3 Madison    

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