I've been thinking a lot about the fragility of love and friendship and the struggle with avoiding attachment, fear and loneliness.
I frequently fluctuate between getting too close to people and not getting close enough. Either way, I get hurt. When I avoid deep connections, I get really lonely. And when I get attached, I get disappointed when people pull back, whether intentionally or not.
I've been struggling with allowing myself to connect deeply without latching onto people for happiness and fulfillment. And it's very difficult to find that middle ground because the only way to experience the joy and fulfillment you get from relationships and friendships is to get close to people. So it's tough when getting close backfires. I get hurt very easily, so the slightest "pull back" on someone else's end is enough to break me. And then I judge myself for taking it so personally and tell myself that I shouldn't have gotten so attached in the first place.
But how can we not get attached to people? If you have a great connection with someone and they seem to think you're the bee's knees, you're inevitably going to become attached to them, right?
I don't have very many friends in real life. That's a major downside to working from home and doing pretty much everything from home...I've formed several great friendships online, but offline, my choices are severely limited. And I actually get really attached to my online friends too. Some readers contact me and put me on a pedestal and are afraid to email regularly out of fear that they will bother me or that I'm too busy or something. But nothing could be further from the truth. I love hearing from and making friends with my readers. I practically beg them to interact with me. And when one of them stops emailing or doesn't seem too interested in me or my blog anymore, I get incredibly bent out of shape about it...Just like I would if a real life friend stopped contacting me or stopped thinking I was as great as they once thought I was.
I guess I'm just trying to learn how to fearlessly love and connect with others, both online and offline, without clinging too tightly. When I get too close, I inevitably get attached. When I don't get close enough, I inevitably get lonely.
Do you struggle with loneliness, fear and attachment? How do you get close without getting too close? Do you know how to leave the door of your heart open in case someone decides to leave? Would you still be capable of letting someone new take their place?
Leave me a comment or shoot me an email, and let me know your thoughts!