Saturday, December 31, 2011

A Look Back on 2011

I've said it once and I'll say it again. This year flew by. I've spent several weeks thinking about this blog post and the best way to sum up everything I've learned or experienced this year. I originally wanted to list as many things as I could think of, including the good, the bad, and everything in between. But I've since decided to just write a heartfelt little summary instead.

Kind of like this one:

So here it goes.

I feel like so much has changed this year, but at the same time, nothing has. I'm not the same person that I was last year, but at the same time, I still am. I don't hate myself anymore, but I still have this fear that I'll start hating myself again. I don't kick myself anymore, but a small part of me feels like I should still be doing just that.

I found strength I didn't know I had this year. I wanted to change. I wanted to pick myself up and learn to love myself more and I committed to doing that. I didn't stop when the lump in my chest returned. I didn't stop when the voice in my head gave me every reason to. I didn't stop when my foot slipped and I rolled all the way back down to the bottom of "depression mountain." I kept climbing and I kept fighting because what did I have to lose?

I let people help me. I realized how blessed I am and how grateful I should be.

I cried in front of the one person I swore would never see me cry. I walked away from people who made me feel bad about myself.

I got upset over a potential relationship that didn't work out, even though I didn't really like him. But I thought he wanted me and that was reason enough to string him along. All I wanted was to be wanted because I felt like the most unwanted human on the planet.

I fought for answers that were right in front of my face and fantasized about hurting myself because it felt better and easier than fantasizing about someday finding those answers. I felt hopeless. Like I would never find answers and that I would be miserable as long as my heart was beating.  

I stitched wounds caused by people who let me down. I chose to forgive and look ahead instead of over my shoulder.

I let go of burdens that I put entirely on myself. I let go of other people's opinions and expectations and chose to listen to the inner voice that had been screaming at me all along. I put myself first and focused on making myself happy instead of making other people happy.

I traveled in an airplane for the first time and visited a wonderful place. I took mental pictures and made memories.

I complained that life was too long only to find out that a girl I graduated high school with unexpectedly passed away two months after I said that. I learned that life is actually too short and that I was taking way too much for granted. 

I got older against my will and hated time only to realize that time should be valued instead.

I wanted to change everything about my appearance in an attempt to like myself more only to realize that changing my attitude was the only way to accomplish that.

I felt trapped and stuck and suffocated before learning how to free myself from the inside out.

I got a new puppy and she became a part of my family. I saw what real love was supposed to look like when I looked at my dogs.

I fell apart and put myself back together. I cried and screamed into pillows and laughed out loud and grinned from ear to ear. I learned lessons and made memories. I learned how to love myself and have recently decided to let other people love me too. I made goals. I take baby steps towards my goals every day.

And I swore that I was not going to make a list of 2012 New Years resolutions. But I'm gonna do it anyway.

<3 Madison 

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