You shouldn't care what people think (Because no one is thinking about you)

I have a confession to make. I can be really really really self-conscious sometimes. There aren't enough "really's" to describe how self-conscious I can get. It's like this crippling obsession over what everybody really thinks of me. I've struggled with it my whole life. 

Ever since I got epically rejected by one of my friends in fifth grade, I've carried around this belief that very few people will actually like me. I've gotten better over the years and have started opening up a little more, but I still care way too much about what other people think. 

I can just be walking down the street, and as cars and people pass me by, my inner dialogue goes a little something like this:

I look so awkward right now. I'm just shuffling along with my head down and my shoulders hunched, avoiding eye contact and trying to look casual. I'm not casual. I look stupid. I look insecure. I bet everybody is noticing how insecure I look right now. I can practically feel their eyes burning into me. I can practically hear them laughing and saying, "Look at that awkward girl over there. She looks like a vagrant. Look at her just walking along the side of the road like she's homeless or something. I should hit her with my car."  

And every time a car or another human being passes me or looks at me for even a split second, I'll just clench up until they've passed. It's ridiculous and completely irrational. The anxiety of coming into contact with other people gets so bad sometimes that I can barely even leave my home. 

While a large part of this has to do with my history of rejection, ostracization and social anxiety, it IS something that I'm working hard to be more consciously aware of. It's an insecurity that I've been trying to pay more attention to and not blame on other people or ancient circumstances.  

People have told me that other people care about me way less than I think they do. And they're so absolutely right.

Random strangers who drive or walk past me on the street more than likely don't give two shits about me or how I look. They're just going about their business, thinking about where they're headed and what's in store for the day. They're not breaking their necks to take a closer look at me so they can laugh at how awkward and out of place I look. It's all in my head.

It's also in my head that people I know are constantly judging and analyzing my personal life decisions. Although negative offhand comments have been made in the past, most of the things I believe are beliefs that I just pulled out of thin air. I have a habit of taking the slightest little comment and blowing it up times a thousand in my head. 

Someone could say, "Sears is hiring. You should look into it," and all I will hear is, "I don't approve of what you're trying to do for a living. You should get a real job like everyone else."

And then I'll form a belief in my head that my face is the first face that pops into people's minds when they see a "now hiring" sign in the window of an establishment. And then I'll get angry about it. 

All this because someone innocently and casually let me know that Sears was hiring.

So yeah. That is what I've most recently been trying to be more aware of---the fact that people care way less than I think they do. The assumption that everyone is judging and analyzing me is entirely in my head. The real problem is that I judge and analyze MYSELF. I need to stop doing that.

Stop worrying about what people are thinking of you. Chances are, no one is thinking a single thing.

<3 Madison

   

                      

A random update

Hello friends.

It's been way too long since my last post (shame on me), so I decided to just pop in and let you all know what I've been up to and what's been on my mind.

Truth is, I haven't really been up to much. Sometimes I go weeks without inspiration for a new post. I think it's because my life is too routine and I don't get out much. I feel like I should plan to do something I've never done before---you know, be spontaneous or take some kind of big risk. I'm open to ideas...

Also, I was letting my mind wander yesterday and trying to figure out why I'm so resistant to change.

You see, Taylor Swift is coming out with a new album this month. I've been a huge fan of Taylor (still am) since I was fifteen. She got me through all of my high school relationship monstrosities, and I really feel like I've grown up with her. I have all her albums and know the words to all her songs. I love her simple storytelling, guitar strumming way of singing songs.

So if any of you are Taylor Swift fans and have been listening to the new songs she has been releasing in the weeks leading up to her album release, you know that she's going for a different sound on this one. She's going more pop. She's playing with auto-tune a little bit. So I've basically been walking around feeling like a giant part of my life has been snatched away from me. Because the storytelling, guitar strumming Taylor Swift is all I've ever known.

I obviously have no way of knowing if the entire album is going to be like that or if she's going to have a delicate balance between her old sound and her new sound. Either way, I'm still excited.

But the point of the story is that I realized that I'm resistant to change because I look at every change as a loss. And that is a terrible way to look at change. If I continue to feel a gaping sense of loss every time something I'm accustomed to changes, I'm going to walk around my entire life feeling pain and loss. I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to be able to bend and evolve and suck it up. As long as I'm alive, things are going to change. People are going to change. EVERYTHING is going to change.

So that's the most recent thing I've been pondering over. Taylor Swift is still Taylor Swift. I know that I will eventually grow to love her new sound because I'm too loyal of a fan not to. She is evolving. I shall evolve with her.

And I will do my best to evolve with any other changes that take place in my life. Change is inevitable, and I'm trying really hard to grasp that concept once and for all. I really think I will feel happier and freer if I do. (Freer is a weird word, by the way. It doesn't look the way it sounds.)

And lastly, I just want you all to know that I love getting emails from you. Every time someone emails me and I email them back, they seem surprised by the fact that I actually emailed them back---like they weren't expecting me to or something.

They're all like, "Whoa, thanks for responding!" or "Whoa, I wasn't expecting to hear back from you!" or "Whoa, you got back to me so quickly! Thanks!"

And I'm just thinking, "Why wouldn't I get back to you? You just poured your heart out to me and gave me the nicest compliments ever!"

I read every email I get. I respond to every email I get. (Unless it's hate mail, but I've never gotten hate mail. PLEASE DON'T SEND ME HATE MAIL.)

Interacting with the people who actually care about what I have to say is important to me. I would never read a heart wrenching or super nice email and just be like, "Eh. Okay. Moving on to the next."

So don't hesitate to email me if you need someone to talk to or whatever. I can't promise to fix your problems or give you mind-blowing, life-changing advice, but I WILL respond.

Happy Friday!

<3 Madison      

   

One thing I'll never understand

I stayed up for awhile last night thinking about something that made me feel very sad, angry, helpless and guilty. It's something I'm sure a lot of other people have thought about before. But it has really been eating at my soul.

The world is really unfair.

I'm not talking about people cutting in front of you at Burger King, taking credit for your work or parking in your favorite spot.

I'm talking about people hurting, grieving, struggling to get out of bed every morning, and almost hating every happy or joyous person they come into contact with.

I don't understand why some parents get to watch their kids walk, talk, graduate and fall in love while others never even get to hear their kid say their first word or see them waddle across the room without falling down.

I don't understand why somebody somewhere is watching someone they love come home safe and sound while somebody somewhere else is finding out that someone they love will never walk through the front door ever again.

I don't understand why some people are healthy and others are fighting a terminal illness.

I don't understand why some people are spared from violence and abuse while others have to live with it every single day.

It makes me feel like an asshole for being happy, healthy and knowing that the people I love are safe and within arm's reach. I am so infinitely grateful for all of these things. Obviously. But it still makes me feel like an asshole because somebody somewhere---maybe even in my own neighborhood---is unhappy, or unhealthy, or suffering a terrible loss. It's just not fair.

And it kills me because I know I can't fix it. I've always felt an obligation to comfort people and make things better. I hate seeing people unhappy. My favorite thing about writing this blog is that I am inspiring people and making people feel better and more hopeful. When I get emails and comments from people who have been moved or changed by something I wrote, it's the most rewarding feeling in the world.

But there is so much suffering that I'll never be able to fix. Nothing I say or do will ever feel like enough. I can't bring someone's kid back. I can't rid someone of awful memories. I can't turn back the clock for someone.

Life is chaotic. Terrible things happen to good people---every day, normal people just like me and you.

I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. But I'll never understand why some people suffer so badly while others don't. It will never make sense, and it will never be justified.

Please don't ever take the love and happiness in your life for granted. Please.


 

Stay on your path.

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." ~ Henry David Thoreau 

Sometimes I feel really repetitive with all this "walk your own path" business. I kind of annoy myself with it. But the whole idea of walking your own path was sort of the initial inspiration behind this blog, so please forgive me as I share yet another simple story that explains why you should always stay on the path that feels right to you. 

As you all know, I sort of took a nontraditional direction in my life---The whole skipping over college (for now) and easing my way into self-employment whilst my friends from high school went off to get degrees and real people jobs.  

I tried following the rest of the crowd and doing everything I thought I was supposed to in the beginning, but it made me miserable. And to tell you the truth, breaking away from the crowd and going in a separate direction from all my friends kind of made me miserable too, in a way. 

Because breaking away from the rest of the group and marching to the beat of your own drum can be awkward and terrifying. And some people won't get it. And some people will think you're weird, immature and slow. And you might feel glaringly different or ten steps behind everyone else. It's not exactly a fun feeling. 

That feeling almost drove me off my little path countless times. I cannot tell you how many times I felt tempted to give my concerned family members and confused friends what they wanted and just go ahead and apply to college or pursue a career that didn't involve me writing about silly stuff like my life, my heart and my soul. SO MANY TIMES, you guys.

But I didn't. I couldn't. 

Despite all the discouragement and alienation, something just kept me going in the direction I wanted to go in. It was almost like a psychological need to keep going no matter what. At the end of the day, I knew I was on the right path. I could feel it. 

So to jump right to the point here, I would like to share that things are going pretty well right now. Work is steadily rolling in. I feel like all I do is write these days. And breathe. And occasionally tear myself away from my writing long enough to have a life outside of it.  

Some cool opportunities have been thrown my way recently. Someone INTERVIEWED me on their blog. (http://www.serenewellnessblog.com/2012/09/a-journey-of-soul-searcher.html) *Thanks Claire!

To put it simply, things are going well. The ball is rolling. Things are moving in the right direction. I haven't reached any milestones, I'm not rolling in cash and I don't have People magazine banging down my door, but things are finally happening---slowly, but surely. 

And I think it's important to celebrate the little victories. Because if you can't celebrate the little stuff, how can you celebrate the big stuff? 

I'm not wanting to accomplish anything huge here. All I want is to be happy and make other people happy while I'm at it. That's all that really matters to me. I want to be able to say that I didn't give up. I want to be able to say that I made an impact and gave comfort and inspiration to people who needed it. I feel like that's sort of what I'm doing right now, you know? 

Keep going. Stay on your path. Just because no one is walking it with you doesn't mean you're on the wrong one. 

<3 Madison

photo by Joost Lagerweij             

I know what it's like

I know what it's like to feel like no one will ever understand how you feel. 

I know what it's like to feel alone---like you have no one to turn to. 

I know what it's like to feel like a prisoner in your own life, in your own body and in your own head.

I know what it's like to watch something that can never be replaced vanish slowly before your eyes.  

I know what it's like to truly hate yourself. 

I know what it's like to feel backed into a corner. 

I know what it's like to be paralyzed with fear and then beat yourself up for feeling like you can't push through it like you're "supposed to." 

I know what it's like to feel like a giant disappointment to yourself and everyone else. 

I know what it's like to be criticized in the worst possible way over and over again. 

I know what it's like to feel almost overwhelmingly tempted to give up. 

So whenever you feel like no one knows what it's like, I do. I get it. You can talk to me.   

And everything will be okay in the end. Trust. 

<3 Madison  

  

You should be who you are.

I want to elaborate a little more on something I wrote in my previous blog entry...

"People will not always perceive you the way you want to be perceived or treat you the way you want to be treated. That should never change the way you perceive and treat yourself."

This is something I have a hard time with sometimes. When people perceive me a certain way, treat me a certain way or tell me I should be a certain way, I have a habit of taking it to heart and turning it over and over in my head.

For example, I've been told my entire life that I should be more sociable and extroverted. I used to get judged and left out a lot at school for being the quiet, awkward kid. And I've been labeled as antisocial more times than I can count.

I will say that I agree with people when they tell me I should speak my mind and stand up for myself more, but as far as being a quiet, introverted person, that's just who I am. I've always been that way.

Anytime I've tried to be talkative or extroverted, it has been nothing more than an act; an uncomfortable and extremely awkward act.

It seems as if being quiet is looked down upon. In fact, I think there are a lot of common personality traits that are looked down upon.

I don't like feeling ashamed of the fact that I'm quiet. I don't like comparing myself to outgoing people. It has a way of making me hate myself pretty hard.

I guess the moral of the story is that there is more to people than meets the eye---or ear. The people who have been patient with me and given me time to warm up to them are the people who know what I'm really like as a person. The people who have dubbed me as antisocial after only meeting me for less than five minutes DON'T know what I'm really like as a person.

Not everyone will take the time to get to know you the way you wish they would. Not everyone will like you. Not everyone will respect your feelings and shower you with love and attention every time they come into contact with you. I know it sucks, but at some point, you just have to let go of what other people think. I'm trying to do that just as hard as the next person.

If you're weird, be weird.
If you're different, be different.
If you're loud, be loud.
If you're quiet, be quiet.

There is nothing wrong with you. When people tell you that you should be a certain way or do certain things, don't let it go to your head.

What you SHOULD do is be who you are. You have my permission.

<3 Madison    

A letter to myself

"Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself." ~ Cicero 

I wrote myself a letter yesterday. I've had all these thoughts and feelings swimming around inside of me for awhile now, and I just felt like it was time to give myself a pep talk. We all need to turn away from external sources of advice every now and then and just tell ourselves what we think we need to be told. Self-advice is the best advice you can get sometimes.

After reading back over the letter, I knew I had to share it. Writing it really inspired me and helped me put some things back into perspective. I hope it helps you do the same.

~ A Letter to Myself ~

Figure out what you need to do for yourself and for your life ON YOUR OWN. Other people don’t know what you feel in your guts, and other people can’t make you change if you’re not willing to change. You have to take responsibility for your own life, your own guts, your own heart and your own soul. Stop being so concerned about what everyone else is saying or thinking about you. You can’t focus on yourself when you’re focusing on everybody else.

If you have love and happiness in your life, I promise you have enough. Stop questioning and worrying about everything else. You’re going to die one day. Nothing else will matter on that day, so it shouldn’t matter so much now.

Try new things and see new places whenever you can. There is an infinite amount of beauty and inspiration in the world. Get off your butt and go look for it.

Take pictures weekly, and try to write in your journal more often. You don’t want to look back on your life one day just to find a bunch of empty pages and sketchy memories. This is your life, and it’s going to fly by. Capture as much of it as you can.

If you are happy, let yourself be happy. Seriously. Being happy for no reason in particular is a wonderful thing, not a weird thing. Stop spoiling all the fun.

Your well-being is worth fighting for. Your dreams are worth fighting for. Love is worth fighting for. Never even THINK about giving up on any of these things.

People will not always perceive you the way you want to be perceived or treat you the way you want to be treated. That should never change the way you perceive and treat yourself.

Life is hard sometimes, and very little comes easy. Just remember that.

You need to give yourself more credit and start recognizing your worth as a unique individual. Speak your mind, share your soul, be yourself and stand up for the things that matter to you. And do it unapologetically.

Fear can be a good thing depending on how you choose to look at it. Fear usually means you’re evolving. Fear means you’re alive.

People can’t read your mind. You need to practice speaking up.

You’re beautiful just the way you are. Stop complaining about your face, hair, etc. It’s all in your head. You look fine.

When people compliment you, believe them.

Make sure you’re listening to your gut and feeding your soul on a regular basis.

Take care of your body. Go for more walks. Try healthy recipes. Have a drink of water every time you pass the fridge. Keep yourself feeling as energized and wholesome as you possibly can. You’ll be glad you did once you start getting older.  

Don’t forget to take your own advice every once in awhile.

Money is important, but it is way less important than you make it out to be sometimes. You have everything you need. Look around.

If something feels right, it’s probably right. If something feels wrong, it’s probably wrong. Trust your judgment.

You are a constant work in progress. You will always be imperfect, and there will always be a lot that you don’t know. Stop being so hard on yourself. It’s an exhausting waste of time and energy.

Let go---whatever that means to you at any given moment. Just let go.

<3 Madison