The difference between staying positive and wearing a mask

I wasn't planning to blog today, but this idea just hit me in the face and I decided to go ahead and write it down.

There is a very fine line between staying positive and pretending to be positive. I've noticed that I've been blurring this line a lot lately. There is a line between having a good attitude about a certain situation and acting like you have a good attitude when in reality, you want to drive your car over a cliff or inhale a bottle of Xanax. (Please don't do either one of those things. That would make me very sad.)

EXAMPLE: Let's say you spend the last of the money in your wallet on a large, delicious cup of Starbucks that you've been craving all day. As you joyfully rush out the door to enjoy your little piece of heaven, you trip and spill it everywhere. But instead of declaring that your whole day is ruined and that life can't possibly go on, you laugh it off and say, "Oh well. I can always get another one tomorrow." THAT is staying positive. THAT is accepting what happened and accepting that you can't rewind time and try more carefully not to trip and spill your drink.

But let's say that your BFF says or does something that really pisses you off/hurts your feelings. You pretend to let it roll off your back and justify her/his behavior by saying that she/he didn't mean it or that she/he was just having a bad day. You act like it doesn't bother you at all, when in reality, it's all you think about. It corrodes at your soul day in and day out, but you continue to avoid talking to her/him about it because you don't want to seem hurt or bothered by it. You convince yourself that you're just having a positive attitude and letting it go. THAT is wearing a mask.

If something is corroding at your soul, you need to address it.

I will say that again.

If something is corroding at your soul, you need to address it. (*cough* MADISON *cough*)

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I'm struggling with this right now. I've been blurring the line between staying positive and wearing a mask. I have problems that need to be faced, confrontations that need to be had, and feelings that need to be addressed.

I am an expert at painting on a happy face. But when that happy face gets washed away as a result of sobbing into my pillow at night, something needs to change. Something needs to be done.

So basically, accepting what is and accepting what you can't change is called staying positive. But if you're unhappy about something that CAN be changed and you're choosing to ignore it and "suck it up" instead, that's called wearing a mask.

Let's try to learn the difference together.

<3 Madison

Bad stuff will happen. But so will good stuff.

"Bad stuff will happen. Let it be. The sun will come out again." ~ Shannon Kaiser


Yesterday was just one of those days. Very up and down. The thing about me is that when I'm up, I'm way up and when I'm down, I'm way down. No matter what I'm feeling, I feel it very deeply. 

I've cried.
I've feared.
I've hurt people I love.
I've hurt myself.
I've blamed other people for my problems.
I've complained.
I've been haunted by my past. 
I've felt stuck.
I've felt undeserving of love.
I've had horrible days.

I have weaknesses below the surface just like everyone else. Those weaknesses can consume me if I give them a large enough opening to do so.

I often use the weather as a metaphor for life. There won't always be sunny, blue skies. There will be tornadoes, thunderstorms, and hurricanes sometimes too. Let the stinging rain hit your face and let the violent winds whip around you. It might do some damage, but the sun will always come back out.

I promise.

Tiny Buddha book discussion: Day 7

"We've all worked toward goals, pondered the implications of our actions, obsessed over other people's opinions, and wished with every fiber of our being we could control them. We've also sat firmly rooted in a space, fully aware that we can let go of everything that keeps us from being where we are. It might seem like we don't have a choice when we consider everything we want to accomplish, how we want to be perceived, and how productive it seems to think about all that in overlapping thoughts in our heads. But in the end, we always have a choice in what we do right now, both with our minds and with our bodies. At any time, we can decide to be fully where we are. The only way to explore what's possible is to first be willing to be."  




This was the last paragraph in the next to the last chapter and it pretty much sums up one of the main ideas of the book: Accepting what is and being fully present.

It can be difficult to simply be where we are, fully aware of what's going on right now and what we're feeling and experiencing right now when there are so many other things to think about. Staying present is a daily challenge for a lot of people because it is so much easier to worry about the future or dwell on the past. To think about everything we have to accomplish or how we want other people to perceive us. To think about the time we took for granted or the people who let us down when we wish they hadn't.

The past is gone. It will forever be in the past and it needs to stay in the past. And worrying about the future is a waste of energy because we can never know how the future is going to turn out, regardless of how much we plan for it, think about it, or worry about it.

So just breathe. Look around and appreciate this moment for everything that it is. Let go of what you cannot control. Let go of what you cannot predict. Let go of what other people think. Let go of unnecessary burdens. Because this very moment is all there is and it will soon be gone too.


So this pretty much wraps up my Tiny Buddha book discussions! I hope you loved reading them as much as I loved writing them. It was very therapeutic to read these excerpts and look deep enough within myself to pull out just the right thoughts and feelings to match what the excerpts were saying.

To learn more about the book and find out how you can order it, be sure to check out this website: http://www.tinybuddhabook.com/

Happy Sunday!

<3 Madison

Tiny Buddha book discussion: Day 6

"We are all learning as we go. No one has it all figured out. No one goes to bed at night feeling fully confident in her decisions. No one knows for sure that a risk is going to pay off. No one can foresee what's coming. That's the beauty of life." 




This is very comforting to a somewhat overly cautious person like me. Although I'm not as bad as I used to be, I still tend to overanalyze my decisions and second-guess myself sometimes. But I know that every word of this excerpt is absolutely true. You can never know how a situation is going to turn out anyway, so you might as well not even worry about it.

Risks are scary and uncertain, and uncertainty scares me. It's uncomfortable to have no clue what will come out of a risk. But they are worth taking if you know in your gut and in your heart that you need to take them.

So I will remember this excerpt the next time I am faced with a seemingly scary risk. I will remind myself that I will never know the outcome unless I take the jump.

<3 Madison

Tiny Buddha book discussion: Day 5

"Freedom implies doing what you want when you want, but sometimes we just can't get what we want. While it might seem logical to stress about all the things we can't do and have, and spend our time scheming to eventually do and have them, this leaves us with very little time to create the situations that actually would give us the feelings we're chasing.


The things we want all come down to feelings---whether you want to feel proud, engaged, connected, fulfilled, satisfied, or challenged, and through it all, happy. Those feelings don't only exist in tomorrow. They're not exclusive to the targets you've imagined, the goals you've visualized, or the narrow definition of freedom you've established in your own head and heart.


True freedom is freedom from your own self-imposed limitations. It's the ability to accept situations as they are, in all their abundance and all their lack, and focus on the abundance."




Wow, what a nugget. Really really really think about what she's saying here. The point of this whole excerpt really just comes down to accepting what is, a topic explored throughout most of the book.

We're always chasing after what's next instead of focusing on what's happening right now. We're always stressing about the future instead of enjoying the present. We're always moaning about what we don't have instead of focusing on what we do have.

There are lots of things that I don't have right now and there are lots of things that I haven't accomplished yet. While I'm aware of these things and slowly making progress towards getting and accomplishing them, I make a conscious effort not to waste all my time complaining about it. I have an awesome habit of appreciating and enjoying what I do have. And I really do appreciate those things.

With that said, I've definitely slipped up at times. Example: "AM I EVER GOING TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE? I'M NINETEEN FOR GOODNESS SAKE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DO I SUCK SO BADLY AT OPERATING A MOTORIZED VEHICLE? I'M GOING TO BE A PEDESTRIAN FOR THE REST OF MY SORRY LIFE."

While I can't always go where I need or want to go, I do have two legs. There is a Sonic three minutes from my house (three minutes by car, fifteen minutes by foot) and my brother and I walk there all the time for ice cream or a milkshake. That is something that I really enjoy doing and when the weather is nice, I would much rather walk than drive. Also, there is a hospital within walking distance of my house as well...Just an observation. If I was bleeding to death or having a stroke, I highly doubt I'd be able to just walk myself to the hospital. (That's what 911 is for) But my point is that I've looked around while sitting at Sonic with my brother and noticed how many places are around that area. There are several different things that I can enjoy without a car if I take the time to notice those things.

So today, take the time to notice what you do have, rather than what you don't. What you have accomplished, rather than what you haven't. As Lori said above, don't limit yourself. True freedom really is taking the time to look around and set yourself free from the chains you put around your own ankles.

<3 Madison

Tiny Buddha book discussion: Day 4

"But in our strong, intimate relationships, we expect that other people will consistently confirm our views and, in doing so, validate us. When they don't seem to get us, or don't act in accordance with our ideas of how things should work, that's when trouble starts---and usually we assume we're right and someone else is wrong." 




This part of the book really made me stop and think for a minute. After a few moments of thinking, I realized that I am guilty of this. I am guilty of wanting to only surround myself with people who "get" me---people who understand my way of thinking, living, and learning. I feel threatened, defensive, and wrongly judged when someone opposes my point of view and then I have a tendency to close off and distance myself from that person. Sound familiar?

Reading certain parts of this book really made me realize that we can't all be right. Instead of arguing over and fighting for our own opinions and beliefs, maybe we should just respect the fact that everyone has different opinions and beliefs. Instead of hand picking a little group of people we want to spend all of our time with because they get us, maybe we should stay open to relationships with new people, even if those people don't always see things exactly as we do. I think a big part of being open-minded is...well, staying open. Listening instead of getting defensive. Agreeing to disagree instead of saying, "you're wrong." Wanting peace instead of wanting validation.

So my new challenge to myself is to become more consciously aware of my reactions to people who make me feel like I'm wrong. Sometimes I may see their point. Sometimes I may still disagree (which is okay). Sometimes I may learn something from them. But it can definitely be exhausting to constantly cling to what you think is right and what you think is wrong. It can be tempting to lash out at someone who challenges that. But wouldn't it be so much easier to loosen your grip a little bit and just choose to be peaceful and open-minded instead? I think it would be.

Here is a more in-depth article about this subject from someone much wiser than me: http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-the-urge-to-make-other-people-wrong/

<3 Madison

Tiny Buddha book discussion: Day 3

"The best way to navigate new territory is to create new mental maps. Research indicates that we do this most effectively when we reach our own insights, as opposed to when someone else tells us what to do. It's why advice so frequently falls flat: in order for us to get past the discomfort of our thoughts and conditioning, we truly need to have our own epiphanies." 




In other words, we just don't get it until we get it. Got it?

I couldn't agree more with this research indication because I am living proof of its truth. If I'm struggling with something and you think you have the solution that will just completely knock my socks off and change my whole life, think again. Call it stubbornness, call it ignorance, but you can preach to me all day long about something that I need to do or change in my life, but every word you say will fly right over my head until I realize the solution for myself. It has always been that way for me and I think it is for a lot of other people too.

If I hate myself, you can tell me a million times to love myself, but I still won't. Not until I reach the conclusion that I'm deserving of love and self-respect.

If I'm afraid to step out of my comfort zone, you can write countless articles about pushing through fear, but I'm not going to push through that fear until I find the inner strength to do so.

Makes giving advice seem kind of pointless, doesn't it? Well, not necessarily. We're all human and we're all learning and growing together. Nobody ever gets life all figured out and there will always be more insights to be reached and realizations to be had. With that said, we're all different. We all have different opinions and beliefs. Some people may feel empowered by self-help articles, while others may fall asleep while reading them. Some people may hear and absorb life changing advice, while others may figure things out for themselves.

I'm not saying that I've never been emotionally moved or inspired by someone else's story or nugget of wisdom. I have. Countless times. I've heard from people and read books and articles that really made me look within myself and mull over what they had to say. But after all that mulling, I'm still the one who has to make the change. No one else can do that for me. I believe that self-empowerment is the most powerful kind of empowerment of all. Real change comes from the inside. You can look to other people and read self-help articles/books all day long, but at the end of the day, your life is still your life and you are the only one who can change what needs to be changed.

Advice helps. Wisdom helps. Compassionate, understanding people help. But that's the thing. They only help. Only you get to decide what you want or need to change in your own life. You need to have your own epiphanies and figure out what works for you as an individual.

<3 Madison