Downside of being a writer

I just went through some old journal entries and lyrics I wrote from a time in my life where my self-esteem was pretty nonexistent. Why? Because I'm trying to sort of take myself back to that time in order to write a story for a major website that I'm a big fan of. I want to write something good. Something raw and real. I want to really connect with the readers and inspire them if my story gets accepted for this website. That would be a huge honor and I'm taking it very seriously.

SO ANYWAYS. Reading those old journal entries and lyrics messed me up a little bit. I was sitting there reading them and thinking, "Why am I doing this to myself right now? Why am I forcing myself to re-live the past?" I'll tell you why. For the sake of making my story good, like I said above. Sometimes, as a writer, you have to take yourself back to the times when you were in pain. The times when you were at your lowest point. For the sake of writing something that's real, honest, and vulnerable. There have been many times in my writer life where I had to rip open old stitches and reach inside the wounds to pull out something worth sharing for the sake of a writing project. It's not an easy thing to do. But it's necessary sometimes.

They say to leave the past in the past. But I had to pay the past a little visit today for the sake of this next project. But if you ask me, this verge-of-tears-with-a-heavy-heart state that I'm in right now will be worth it when I write an epic, true story about overcoming inner monsters.

Stay tuned...

My First Obstacle

I wrote this in my journal last night and decided to share...


There's a girl trapped inside of me. She's a girl who knows what she wants but isn't a hundred percent sure how to get there yet. She's a girl who has been waiting to accomplish some of the same things for the past three years, but has done everything she can on her end. She's bold, creative, ambitious, and loves to express herself. She needs change and lots of it. She needs the strength to let go of her fear. She needs money and a driver's license. She needs a vacation. She needs life breathed back into her.

Something is in this girl's way. It's like being on the other side of a brick wall, desperately trying to figure out a way to break through it. They say that the only person who can stand in your way is you. Maybe that's true and maybe it isn't. Maybe I'm standing in my own way. Maybe my mom is standing in my way. Maybe everyone expects me to grow up except her because I'm her little girl and always will be. Maybe fear is in my way. Maybe it's doubt. Maybe it's sheer confusion or a hunger for answers. Maybe it's the ten million questions that run through my head at night. Maybe it's the fact that I plan more than I practice. Maybe it's just a lack of patience.

What I do know is that I've stumbled into my first obstacle. Something is holding me back and it's not me. It can't be me. I've done everything I can to progress in life except scream the words of this journal entry at the top of my lungs. This girl inside me grows larger every day. She will eventually either break through or become cramped and lost and wither away into the depths of hopelessness again. 

Dear mom, please let me grow.
Dear fear, please go away.
Dear ocean of thoughts, please stay calm.
Dear desires, please be patient.
Dear ambitious heart, please come back.
Dear Universe, please listen.
Dear unknown obstacle, please move.

I believe in you

I'm not the type of person who steps on other people's dreams. When someone tells me their dreams, plans, or goals in life, they need not worry about me scoffing about it or discouraging them. Everyone is put on this Earth to fulfill a journey and I commend the people who follow through with that journey despite nay-sayers.

I believe in ordinary people doing extraordinary things.

I have a lot of respect for people who believe in their path and listen to their gut instead of listening to other people. I've come to realize that in the end, the only person who can stand in the way of your happiness is YOU. You can choose to listen to negativity and let that slow you down or you can block it out and go on your merry way. I'm definitely not saying it's easy to completely ignore criticism. It's not. I've been there. It takes a lot of self development to grow out of allowing yourself to be influenced by other people. Sometimes you have to just isolate yourself from everyone and work on fixing yourself. Remove yourself from people who wreak havoc on your self-esteem and surround yourself with people who believe in you and want you to succeed in whatever you do in life. That's the first step.

I'm still working on myself and I have a long way to go. But I took the initial step of saying, "enough is enough" and took myself away from negativity. That's when I started to blossom. That's when I started to dream. That's when I started to hope.

I believe in you. Go out into that big scary world and do whatever the hell you want. Life is too short to seek approval from others.

<3 Madison

A random, inspiring thought

My soul is opening
My wounds are closing
My heart is soaring
My strength is growing

I'm alone, but I'm living.

This Time Last Year

This time last year I was falling apart
This time last year everything was different
This time last year I was lost in the dark
This time last year came and went

If I could go back and talk to the girl I was back then,
I would tell her to be her own best friend
I would tell her that she would be okay
Just not today

This time last year I could've sworn it was the end of my life
This time last year no one understood my pain
This time last year I was screaming and bleeding inside
This time last year I didn't know about today

If I could go back and talk to the girl I was back then,
I would tell her to be her own best friend
I would tell her that she would be okay
Just not today
Just not today

The longer you walk down the tunnel, the closer to the light you'll get
You may feel hopeless now, but you never know what's next

If I could go back and talk to the girl I was back then,
I would tell her to be her own best friend
I would tell her that she would be okay
Just not today

If I could go back and talk to the girl I was back then,
I would tell her to be her own best friend
I would tell her that she would be okay
Just not today

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Yeah...I've been writing lyrics for almost five years.
And this is lyric poem #230

Fun fact :)

Everyone has a story

Something that has always fascinated me is the idea that everyone in this world has a story. Everyone has gone through something that changed or shaped them. Everyone has experienced pain and/or joy. Everyone learns lessons as they grow up. I always find myself looking around at all these people and thinking, she has a story, he has a story, they have a story. I love hearing people's stories. And I listen.

Just a thought.

~ Madison

I'm just done.

I'm done speaking up because no one gets it.
I'm done trying to please other people.
I'm done falling asleep and waking up with a lump in my chest.
I'm done listening to negativity and narrow-minded comments.
I'm done sitting around and waiting for something to happen.
I'm done letting people in.
I'm done leaving incomplete goal sheets lying around.
I'm done conforming to the expectations of society.
I'm done being treated like I don't exist.
I'm done explaining my reasons behind every decision I make.
I'm done letting unhappy thoughts seep back in.
I'm done being ignored.
I'm done thinking about the people who have hurt me.
I'm done faking smiles.
I'm done getting discouraged.

I'm just done.

Why am I so quiet? Because no one ever listens.

"And all the while I feel I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up."

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies.

And I feel this way all the time...

It's the simple things

I'm not a hard person to please. I'm also not a hard person to displease. BUT that's not what this post is about. The simple things have always brought me the most joy in life. I've always appreciated simple, beautiful things that other people take for granted. Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the fresh air.


I love songs that give me goosebumps or bring me to tears.
I love baking cakes while blasting pop music in the kitchen.
I love how happy my dogs are to see me each morning.
I love snuggling up with a good book in a quiet, peaceful room.
I love the sound of rain and ocean waves.
I love laughing at my own lame jokes.
I love grocery shopping with my mom.
I love riding in the car at night.
I love giant bowls of ice cream.
I love hearing people's stories and having people listen to mine.
I love writing in my journal under the covers in the middle of the night.
I love the feeling of the wind blowing my hair back.
I love simple, sincere compliments.
I love long walks around my neighborhood.
I love "too tight" hugs.
I love pictures of landscapes.
I love sitting in bed and blogging about the simple things I love.

And I love YOU for actually reading all this.

Good books and bad guys

I plowed through this book in two days. Keltie is one of my favorite bloggers, so I was obviously beyond thrilled to start reading her book. It's a beautiful work of raw, honest nonfiction and I am NOT lying when I say I got very emotionally attached while reading it. I know that writing this book must've taken lots of blood, sweat, and tears, considering it's one of the most personal books I've ever read in my life. Keltie shares her joy, pain, struggles, and life realizations and it spans over the course of about ten years of her life. As I read it, I felt her fear, I felt her excitement, and most of all, I felt her pain. This is the part where I go off on another topic. But before I do, this is a good book. I liked it. It didn't let me down. NOW I shall get off topic.

Something I've learned about love so far is that the perfect, cheesy, poetic, wonderful, prince charming of a guy who says things like, "You're the only girl for me" or "I'll never hurt you" or "You have the face of an angel" are the ones who are going to hurt you the most. I'm not one to be stereotypical, but this is my blog and I feel the need to be VERY stereotypical about this. I'm speaking from experience here AND speaking on account of some of the things I read in this book. If guys try to pull the whole "I'm sweet, charming, perfect and want no other girl except you" card....RUN. Don't even walk, sprint, or skip. Run like hell and don't look over your shoulder. Most girls who are hopeless romantics would probably roll their eyes and look over this blog post without a care in the world. But they've had fair warning. Ok. I'm ranting. I'll get to the point. Genuine guys do not act like Disney movie guys. It's an act. Trust me. If a guy is being overly wonderful and almost TOO nice and perfect, I can ALMOST promise you he's treating some other girl (or girls) the exact same way. These are the cheaters, the liars, the users, and the heartbreakers. Again, I AM SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE. Go for the guy who stays up eating pizza with you until one in the morning. Go for the guy who makes you laugh without trying. Go for the guy who thinks flowers and horse drawn carriages are overrated. Go for the guy who could pass as your brother or best friend or bodyguard. Go for the guy who will threaten to beat the living crap out of anyone who hurts you. THESE are the keepers. Not the guy who is too nice, too innocent, or too wonderful. These are the guys with secrets. These are the guys who will leave you crying on the bathroom floor at 4am. These are the guys who don't deserve you and most importantly, you don't deserve THEM.

Reading this book proved my theory about overly wonderful guys to be even more correct. I love Keltie for sharing such a deep and personal pain with the whole world.

Read this book. Protect your heart. And remember your self worth.

Keltie Colleen's blog: http://highkicksandhighhopes.blogspot.com/

My love for San Francisco

I visited California for the first time ever a few months ago. I still think about it all the time. It was my first time flying in an airplane. It was my first time being three thousand miles away from home. I loved every minute of it. The cramped plane ride. My view of snow covered mountain tops as I flew farther away from home. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor of my cousin's home and using the ironing board as a table for my purse. The faint glow inside the fish tank in my temporary room. Eating a bowl of Kix for breakfast every morning. Coffee shops with cute waiters. Meeting one of the nicest girls I've ever met in my life. People playing guitar on the side of the road for spare change. Big, sparkling buildings.

And San Francisco. We spent one day in San Francisco while I was there and I fell in love. No, I seriously fell in love. With the people, with the history, with the Golden Gate Bridge, with the music, with the culture, with the food, with the ocean smell. Everything.

I go back there all the time. In my head.

And I wrote this blog post to help me remember how happy I felt while I was there. I was happier than I seemed and I wish I would've acted as happy as I really was. Because for the first time in my life...I was infinite.